Life Lesson

Tonight, I was given a life lesson from God. It was a clear message that my desire to build true spiritual community will be hard. It will disappoint me at times and maybe even break my heart. However, He has made it clear that I am to keep pressing forward. I think it was a way of giving me a little taste so that when bigger obstacles come, I am prepared and I don't give in to despondency and frustration. When I came home tonight, there was my daily devotional from Ransomed Heart sitting in my email and it spoke the same truth. John Eldredge said it "will be messy". But his words did not invoke a since of despair and pessimism. It did show me that this task the Lord has set before me will not be met with "hurrahs", I may be easily disappointed, and it will require hard work and sacrifice on my part.
So what does it mean to be in spiritual community? It means we don't try to fix someone because we can't handle their pain. It means we sit with them, in the mud and gunk, and when they don't get out of the mud, we don't start telling them how to change their life or telling them where they are messed up. It means staying in the yuck and holding out the light of Jesus, holding that person. Do you have to live in the yuck with that person? No, I don't think that is necessarily healthy. But it does mean that we are willing to sit in the muck when we are present. Don't fix, don't tell them how to walk with God better, but instead, hold God out for them to see and shine Jesus for them. It means helping their heart stir and desire to be with Christ more. It means crying with them when they cry and laughing when they laugh. It means listening first and praying continually, and opening our own life up to the Spirit last so that God does the work through us. When we try to fix, we tell God we know better than him and we are working out of our own power. Imagine this... a person is experiencing some type of brokenness and God is holding that person and here we come and say, I know what will fix him/her, let go God, I can take care of it. That's utterly ridiculous! I know better how to fix a person than their own Creator does? Whenever we seek to help someone, we should always seek God first and ask that his Spirit move in us to do His work. When we do it on our own, we potentially risk doing more harm than good.

Planting Seeds

I signed up to receive an email daily devotional from Ransomed Heart last night and got the first one today. (For those of you who don't know, Ransomed Heart is a ministry led by John Eldredge, feel free to check out their web page.) Here is yet another person talking about the challenges of connecting and having community within the church. It is yet another voice stirring me and moving me down a new way of thinking as it relates to the church body. I feel like God is leading me down a certain path, but he has not cleary marked it out. I have a feeling I am meant to prepare the ground and plant seeds, but this is something that will take time to grow and be fruitful. I am not even sure I am meant to see the plants grow or harvest them. This is challenging to me. It is the story of my career choice. So often, I am unable to see the real impact my presence has on the lives of others. I may walk away feeling like there was little work done, but, in fact, the person walks away and my presence impacts them down the line. This may be one of those same things, where I impact a ministry but I don't see or experience the ending. That frustrates me, because with my work, I want to do other things that I can see through to completion. I will accept this, if this is in fact where God is leading me, but it would be great if I could somehow make this more. Perhaps, that is my desire, to be a part of something huge. Even as I say that, I have to laugh to myself. Hmmmm, I want to be a part of something bigger and yet I am part of the greatest and grandest story ever told. So, why do I need to be a part of something "huge"? Perhaps, my desire is to feel like I am making a bigger impact on the Body. I am not content with just a few lives, I want to help start developing something that has the ability to truly move people into a new realm, a new way of experiencing Christ. I'm not sure what to make of my discontent. Generally, I think of it as sin, but discontent can also be a way the Spirit can move us to a new place. I need a confirmation from you, God. I don't want this to be about me, but about God. If my discontent is due to my desire to feed my pride, it needs to leave, NOW. However, if this is from God, I want to know, I want a sign, a very powerful sign, that I am to move forward in this.
I realize this is me thinking out loud and making it rather public. This is the kind of thing I usually do in my journal. I just felt the need to put this on my blog. The idea of starting something new is a bit overwhelming and to be honest, I have no idea what it is supposed to look like. Life is indeed a journey with many adventures along the way. I must remember that the destination isn't a place here on this Earth, but it is eternal life with my heavenly Father. He alone is to be glorified.

Another Weekend

Well, here it is, another weekend. I'm excited to have no commitments or plans for the weekend, so I can pretty much do whatever. There are so many things to do, I have a hard time deciding. Currently, I am curled up in bed with my winter PJ's on. It is cold outside!!! It only got into the 50's today and currently, it is in the low 40's. Brrrrr! I'm not quite ready for winter yet, although a nice long autumn would be great.
I really don't have a lot to say, but felt that since I hadn't written in a while, I should say something. I hope everyone is doing well! :)

P.S. Here is a lovely fall photograph of the Aspens changing at Rocky Mountain National Park.

Under the Tuscan Sun

Ladybugs

Have you ever had one of those moments where God spoke to you in the most mundane of things? I did today. I realized that I had to return my videos back to Blockbuster today and I hadn't watched one of them yet. So I took time out this afternoon and watched it. I am now in love with the movie and want to buy it. It was the movie Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lang. There were many elements to this movie, but the part that really struck me was towards the end when Lang's character is told by her realtor that she got what she wanted when she bought the house. She had told him earlier in the film that she wanted the house to be home to a wedding and a family. She got both, but they were not what she imagined. It was as though God said to me, "I know the desires of your heart and I will give them to you, but you must be prepared that they may not happen as you see it or want it. They may not happen when you want it to." One of the characters told Lang that she needed to stop seeking what she couldn't have and live life where it was. When she did that, the things she was seeking for would find her (i.e. when you stop trying to find a ladybug and rest, eventually the ladybugs will find you and cover you up - you need to see the movie to really grasp this example). Again, it felt as though God were telling me to move on and live life to my fullest without thought of the things I desperately crave. As I live for Him, as I follow the things He has placed in my heart, the other desires of my heart will follow. I know I am not explaining the true depth and meaning that was given to me today. I only know that God used something as simple as a movie to paint me a picture of how he wants me to live life.
I feel like a part of me has stopped living because my life is not where I want it to be. I just get through each day with nothing to look forward to and no expectations that God will show up (as I see it in my desires and dreams). This movie reminded me that I can live and do the best that I can do at whatever I have been gifted with. I can find pleasure and satisfaction out of the the littlest things. I actually cooked dinner tonight and enjoyed it. It wasn't work, it was pouring myself into something that nourished not only me, but my cousin, whom I love. Eventually, I will find where God has answered the desires of my heart, but maybe in a way that I can't even imagine at the moment. I long for a husband and a family. Somehow and maybe not as I see it, God will provide for me in these areas.
The challenge now is finding what I am good at and using it to the maximum. My other challenge is finding a way to make a living that makes me feel like I am alive and I am serving a purpose. I don't want a job, I want something that makes me feel like I am being used to touch others in a special and unique way. God has a plan, I am sure of it.
Please watch Under the Tuscan Sun if you haven't already. I think this entry will make much more sense if you watch the movie. Lyndsey and Dawn, I know you will have no problems.
Keep plugging away even when it seems nothing makes sense, somehow, it will all come around in the end.

My Addictions

For the most part, I like to think that I am fairly free of any addictive tendencies. However, I know of a couple that have the potential to really do me in. First, is my addiction to Coca-Cola (I figured I better not use the word Coke for fear of misinterpretation). I don't seem able to go without having my carbonated sugar fix for the day. The second one, is my addiction to the Sims games. Have you heard of them? They are role playing games where you can build and create towns and families and then have them live out their life. I go through phases with this. Sometimes, I can go months without playing, but when I finally decide to play, I play for hours at a time. I will neglect other things to play Sims. I will stay up until 4:30 in the morning (like I did last night) playing. Can I just say, I am really tired right now! It's my own fault. I can't believe I let the time get away from me like that. I had to get up this morning and boy, was it painful. I'm so tired, but I have a full schedule the rest of the day and evening. I am home on a break after meeting with Andrea for some Arbonne accountability time and I will have to leave soon to see a client and then I go to Bible Study after that. Perhaps, I will sleep when I come home, but I am worried that I will turn my laptop back on and play more Sims. That is what is bizarre, I can't wait until I have another opportunity to play. I love building things mostly, but I did just create a family and I want to get them going. *SIGH*. So, this is my confession about my addiction. And it is an addiction, if I'm obsessing about when I can play next, I'm addicted. I guess there are worse things to be addicted to.
Sleep well my friends and I will do my best to not play when I get home.

What I wish was in front of me....

My friends, Daniel and Iwona, took this picture when they were in Cancun. Right now, I would love to hear the sound of the waves and just stare into the ocean.

Waiting On God

Whew! What a day! I had a client this afternoon and it really drained me. When I got home around 5:30, I ate some pumpkin bread that I made (mmmmm, yummy!) and then crashed on my bed. I slept for a whole hour, and I slept hard. I felt much better when I woke up, but I really wish that I didn't get drained so easily. The down side of being an introvert.

I was supposed to have dinner with Dawn, but she is exhausted, too. So, we decided to get together tomorrow night instead. I have to decide on a movie to rent. I see movies so rarely, that I'm not sure what I want to get. Bless Dawn's heart, my TV broke and she is bringing over an extra TV she and Scott have so that we can watch movies together. I'm excited to hang out with her. We need some good old-fashioned girl time.

So, my latest challenge is learning to really trust God with my current situation. Financially, things can't be any more grim for me. I'm not making enough to pay more than my rent and utilities. I have no gas money, no grocery money, and no money to renew my malpractice insurance (which my job is dependent upon). I don't even have money to order my Arbonne so I can get paid my commission check (which would have at least bought groceries). I know God can provide for me, but I think I have been disappointed so many times, that I'm unsure whether he will. That's the issue, I just don't know what God is thinking or how he plans to deal with this area of my life. I'm looking for other jobs, but I've had no luck. Of course, it doesn't help that I am frustrated with my whole career outlook anyway. I have no expectations that God will miraculously provide, because if I do and he doesn't, it will be such a huge disappointment. Faith is certainly believing without seeing. I do have to admit that today has been a good day in regards to my relationship with God. I've been more aware of his presence in my life today and he has provided me comfort when I am weary. Come to think of it, I always see God providing for me emotionally more than physically. But, I would not give up the emotional support. I suppose if I had to choose one, I would choose the emotional. I don't know why. Perhaps, I realize that is a part of me that is the most fragile and needs the most divine intervention. However, God cares about both my emotional and physical so I shouldn't limit him to just one area. I know he has provided in the physical area before, I just don't seem able to remember it.

What I really hope for is that I would get this lesson that God is trying to teach me, because it seems to be something we keep revisiting. The general lesson involves me trusting God with something and then everything gets yanked out from underneath me. Whether that is living arrangements, financial, relationships, or job, I continually get doors once opened slammed shut or it is completely taken from me. Sometimes, I admit, it's because I was listening more to myself than God, but there are times where God clearly spoke and reaffirmed and then took it away. I don't get it. I still don't get the big picture this lesson is meant to teach me. And, am I learning whatever this lesson is or am I doomed to repeat it again?

I will keep plugging away and I will keep trusting God. Why? Because he is more reliable than anything else in this world. Because, he gave me eternal life, adopted me as his child, and calls me his princess. I know I can't think the way God thinks, but his Word has promised that everything will ultimately end up for his glory and the good of his people (which I am one of). This is hard, but to give up on God would make it harder.