Just a Little Note

I just felt like writing, but I really don't have anything on my mind that I feel like writing about. I am trying to get in the holiday spirit. I don't have my decorations or tree up yet, but I have been listening to Christmas music. My favorite album is Point of Grace's, A Christmas Story. I also love Michael W Smith's Christmas albums.
I do feel tense tonight. I am anxious about my week. I am trying not to be. I know that God is in control and nothing can happen to me without Him knowing about it and working it into my Tapestry. That is why I named this blog Tapestry. God is writing my story or weaving the tapestry of my life. I can only see individual or small groups of threads, not the whole tapestry. My tapestry is not complete, it is always being worked on. I know that my tapestry will turn out to be the story of where God wanted to take me. Little parts don't make sense, but the whole thing will once it is completed. I hold onto the promise that "God works for the good of those who love Him and call on His name". Even when life stinks and seems horrible, in the end, it will all work out for my betterment. This is the hope I have. We all need hope, don't you think?
I feel tired, yet, I am awake. I have much to do, but most of it involves tomorrow, so I can't worry about it today.
Well, there is my note. :)

Tough Stuff

So, I was reading my Larry Crabb book, The Safest Place On Earth, and I was confronted with this....

"If we are to develop spiritual community, where the healing life of Christ pours out of us and energizes others to give up their self-actualizing demand in favor of knowing Christ, we must understand what else is coming out of us and learn to hate it."

Crabb talks about really looking at our wretchedness and that our culture today minimizes sin and fallenness. He states that, "It might help us to get rid of the idea that wretchedness is evidence of complexity or psychological disturbance and that greatness is the manageable product of good training, effective government, economic advantage, or, if necessary, therapy." Is this reality? Unfortunately, as I read his book, I have to agree with what he says. Here is the kicker, I now have to make a decision, and it is a decision I don't want to make. John Eldredge and Brent Curtis calls it chasing after "less wild lovers" in their book, Sacred Romance. All that I am reading is telling me that I have to kill everything within me. I have to get rid of my old coping skills, I have to take away all my desires, in order to, focus only on God. I am distracted by many things and I do commit all of the 4 core sins Crabb discusses. My challenge is, I don't want to change. Unfortunately, God has given me this revelation and to not change has hazardous consequences on my relationship with God. Crabb states that I must confront my sin and realize how futile and empty it really is. According to C.S. Lewis, I am living in a "cesspool" that is based on my own self-will. It is all about me. And I have to say, "Yes, he is right." So how do you let this transformation happen? The fatal flaw would be to try and do it on my own. I can't do it on my own, I can only do it with the power of the Holy Spirit. Which then brings me to, "What does this look like?" What it looks like is a conscious decision to seek Him all the time and to renounce what I am relying on. This is hard for me. I have areas in my life that I think work for me and I don't want to give up. So, do I allow this to drive a rift in my relationship with God? I'm not sure how to answer that. This book is incredibly convicting, painful, but refreshing and needed at the same time. We will see what God has in store for me next.

Dying to Self

C.S. Lewis writes,

The Christian life is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, "Give me all. I don't want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work. I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don't want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours."

So, when I became a Christian, no one told me that Christ wanted to "kill me". Hello! I think if I had heard that at 9 years old (when I became a Christian) I would have said, "no, thank you". However, as an adult, Lewis's script makes sense. I don't like it, but it makes sense. Our whole natural self is driven by us - not God. In order to fully experience God, we have to die to self. Hmmm, I think that sounds like fun (please note I am being sarcastic). I am confronted with the horrible reality that it isn't about me and if I want to grow deeper in my relationship with Christ, I am going to have to chop down another part of my tree. Eventually, the whole tree will have to be cut down. As I feel the pruning shears cutting away at my branches and eventually trunk, I feel pain. I feel vulnerable and ugly. I can no longer hide behind my leaves of self-protection, self-preservation, and self-reliance. I want to pull back and tell God, "NO, You cannot prune me! You cannot have that part of my life! I will not let You kill me!" And yet, I know that "resistance is futile" (a Star Trek reference for those of you who aren't fans). I can kick and scream all I want, but then I am faced with being alone. I am faced with that God-shaped hole inside of me. If I tell God he can't prune me, I am telling him he isn't allowed in and the ache and loneliness that would follow would be unbearable, too.
I do not want to die. But if I don't die, I can't live. Oh, the irony! God help me!!!!!!!!

Dread and Escape

I find myself feeling more and more anxiety when I know I have to work the next day. I'm tired. I feel dryed up. I feel a great need for rest and restoration. Unfortunately, the way finances are for me and the way my job is set up (I don't get paid vacation), I can't afford to take time off. I wish I knew what I am supposed to do with my life. I wish I didn't have to work a job, but I have to live off of something. My preference would be to do ministry for the body of Christ and to be home. But, that is not an option for me right now, since I need a paycheck to survive. Dear Lord, I wish I knew where I was supposed to go and do. I want to enjoy what I am doing and not dread it. I want to see what I do in light of who You are rather than who I am. I want to build up the body, I want to be built up, too. I just want to escape most of the time. I want to run away from reality. I want to live in my "shadow mission" rather than life. I know that isn't the life you've called me to. The reality is that walking with You is hard and I'm lazy. I'm tired and I don't want to put forth the effort. Please help me, Jesus. I cannot live the life without you!

My Birthday

Technically, my birthday was yesterday, seeing as it is now almost 2:00 in the morning on the 11th. But November 10th is my birthday. I had a very nice birthday with my girlfriends. Dawn, Erin, and Lyndsey all went with me to Littleton to have tea. We went to a lovely place called Tres Jolie. It was whimsical and the food was delicious. Here is a run down of the menu.

Amuse-bouche: Toasted Baguette with warm brie cheese and rosted garlic/onion chutney

Savories: Rosted lemon rosemary chicken salad, Goat cheese and watercress on raisin bread with toasted pecans, Roast beef, blue cheese, and red onion on a crostini

Scones: Cream scone and lemon blueberry scone served with Devonshire cream, han, and lemon curd

Sweets: German chocolate brownie petit four, Passion fruit Matter horm petit four, Three sisters petit four, Chocoate covered strawberry sprinkled with lavendar

A Pot of Tea of Your Choice

Does not that all sound delectable? It was great and we were stuffed. I think my favorites were the Amuse-bouche and the roast beef savory. The chocolate covered strawberry and the German chocolate petit four were my favorite desserts.

It truly was a lovely afternoon! It was not only great food and atmosphere but I got to hang out with my girlfriends.I even have a printed menu with my birthday listed on it. This will definitely be a scrapbook event.

Other then that, I didn't do to much for my day. The tea seemed to satisfy me. I did buy a cake from Schmidt's Bakery, YUM! If you've never eaten there, you are missing out!!! Otherwise, I sat at home and played with my kitties, played on my computer, and read a couple of books. I got a new expansion pack for my Sims 2 game, but my game has been uncooperative since I started working with this one family. It keeps crashing when I try to do certain things. Grrr. I haven't figured out how to fix it yet. I think I may have to reload everything. It is frustrating. While I was trying to fix it, there were many waiting periods and so I read from a couple of my books. I finally got frustrated with the whole thing and I had gotten sucked into this novel I was reading so I gave up with fixing it for the night. I ended up finishing my novel. Unfortunately, I cried through the last 20 pages. It was a good book, but not the happiest of endings. Which come to think about it, a lot of my favorite books have bittersweet or less than happy endings to them. We could psychoanalyze that, but we won't.

Well, I will post some pictures from my tea at a later date. Right now, they are on my friends' cameras so I will have to wait for them to get the pictures to me (Hint, Hint).

Dragging

Well, it has been a while since I blogged anything. To tell you the truth, I have been struggling to put words to my life. I have been mildly depressed lately and that usually stunts my ability to articulate myself. I am feeling somewhat better now. I restarted some of my medications. I pray God finds a way to help me afford them. Since I don't have health insurance, and no one will take cover me, my medications cost upwards of $700. OUCH! So, I am stuck with a dilemma of pay the money or risk falling into depression again. I have been amazed at how just a few days back on my old dosage again has made a difference in my heaviness factor. My spirit doesn't feel as heavy, I wouldn't say I'm walking on air yet, but just the little bit taken off my shoulders is a relief. I do still find myself a bit anxious and weepy, but hopefully, they will be alleviated soon. My energy level has been pretty low too, so I look forward to having more of that.

On another note, work is draining me. As I told a friend of mine...

I am tired of dealing with everyone else's sin in a fallen context. I can't "fix" them if they are not being sanctified by Christ! How in the world do I think I can fix them? Well, I can't fix them, only Christ can and he can use me to do that, but if they don't have Christ, what in the world do I think is going to be accomplished? I'm tired of taking home everyone else's sin with me! I'm tired of people expecting me to have the perfect answer to "cure" this family or that person. I'm tired of looking at these families and seeing what is wrong through my Biblical worldview and then having no way to explain that to them because they aren't Christians. A part of me wonders, if this is really where I am supposed to be, why is it not sustaining me financially, emotionally, and spiritually? Why does carrying other people's burdens mean mine becomes heavier?

Needless to say, I am still struggling with these issues. I don't have an answer, just a directive to keep plugging along and to lean on Jesus more and harder. Tonight, at church, during worship, I sat down and just listened to the music. I was feeling very weary and anxious. It was during this time that I felt Jesus put his hand in between my folded hands and it was this incredible sense of safety and protection. It was one of those special God moments. I could imagine myself leaning on him and pressing his hand to my face and in that image, I felt loved, embraced, taken care of. I thought of the passage where Jesus says, "Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry" (Matthew 11:29-30). Even writing about it brings a certain internal peace that I wish would stay inside me forever. I wish this feeling of safety, peace, and security never left me. But as soon as I start doing life, it goes away. It only appears when I am extremely quiet. I need it when I am busy and under pressure, too. Perhaps, that is something that comes with maturity and growth in Christ.

Well, that is all for now. I hope I feel like blogging again soon.
Here are some more pictures of my boys. :)

My Boys

Dante

Agape and Me

Agape

Dante Looking Very Happy

For Kyle in Milan: About Loveland, Colorado

This section is for you, Kyle!

Pasted from http://x16.xanga.com/c5bb652537d3541861878/b28463580.jpg

About Loveland:
Loveland is located along the Big Thompson River, east of the Front Range of the Rocky Mountains. Longs Peak and other mountains of the Front Range are visible from much of the city.
There is a large population of artists in Loveland, which has drawn three foundries, an art museum, and the annual sculpture show in August.
An interesting fact about Loveland is that the city is best known nationwide as the home of the Valentine Re-Mailing Program. Every year hundreds of thousands of Valentines are packaged inside larger envelopes and sent to Loveland, where volunteers hand-stamp them with a Valentine's verse and send them on to the intended recipients.

The west end of Loveland is also 32 miles from Rocky Mountain National Park and Estes Park. Loveland is populated with sculptures and has a Sculpture Park called Benson Sculpture Park.

Pasted from http://www.ci.loveland.co.us/parksrec/Benson.htm

A map of Loveland...

Pasted from http://www.virtualcities.com/ons/co/city/coloveland.htm

What's New With Me

Tonight, I have no deep thoughts to share, but general information about what is happening in my life. I wish I could share something exciting, but my life is pretty boring. My work is always interesting, but I can't talk about work because of confidentiality.
So here is a low down on what my life looks like....
I have my own business with Arbonne International which is a health and wellness company committed to pure, safe, and beneficial products. I am currently a district manager. Basically, I teach people how to shop at a discount for pure, safe, and beneficial products (you wouldn't believe what they put in some cosmetics and personal care products) that fall into 6 categories: anti-aging, color/cosmetics, aromathearpy, nutrition, weight loss, and personal care. I also help people learn how they can start their own business with Arbonne. Their products are amazing and I really love the company.
I am also working as an independent contractor for Larimer County Social Services offering intensive family therapy to their clients. Typically, this involves families who have a child protection issue or a child out of control of parent issue. My main objective is to help transition kids back into the home or to work with families so that their kids don't get placed out of the home in the first place. I usually work in the evenings or late afternoon, as this is the time most clients can meet. I am only working part time, so money is pretty tight.
I am active in my church, which is Timberline Church in Fort Collins. I work with Junior High girls and am a co-leader for a Bible Study. These girls are awesome and we have an amazing group. We are studying a book called, God Called A Girl, by Shannon Kubiak.
I am also participating in a women's Bible study called Five Aspects of Woman. This is an amazing study written by Barbara Mouser. I am enjoying the material and the women in the group.
I have an amazing accountability relationship with my friend, Barb, and we meet every week to talk about life and we are doing a study on Devotional Classics. She and I can talk for hours and she is, as Anne of Green Gables would say, a kindred spirit. God has blessed me with her friendship and wisdom.
Finally, I have an awesome roomie/cousin and 2 amazing cats whom I adore. I can't imagine living without Erin present and life without my precious bubbies would be so sad. I love them to death. I will post some pictures of them soon. I have to get them scanned in though and get some from Erin (she has taken some awesome and adorable pictures of them).
I am blessed with some amazing relationships and a God who loves me despite my brokenness. God wants to have a personal relationship with me and each and every one of you. Isn't that amazing? It blows me away. How often have I sought after lesser gods when I have the Creator of the Universe seeking me out, loving me, and treasuring me. I don't understand myself sometimes, but he still loves me despite my periodic wanderings. WOW! Praise God for his amazing love, mercy, and grace!!!

PLEASE PRAY

Please pray for the Jones' Family. They just lost their baby daughter, Payton, after a long battle for her life. Please see their blog at http://aaronandheatherjones.blogspot.com/.

What Does It Mean to Dream?

I have spent the past 24 hours breathing in my Arbonne business. After being around so many people and having only 5 1/2 hours of sleep, I am surprisingly alert and energetic. During this time, I have been challenged about what my dream is? Typically, dreams are something I think about but don't expect to happen. After watching clips from the movie, Rudy, I think differently. So, I asked the question, what is my dream?

My dream, is what God has placed on my heart. My dream is only partially shaped and is slowly being revealed to me. My dream is what drives me to get closer to God. My dream is what gives me excitement and passion. My dream is for the church to develop and deeper spiritual community. This could take shape in so many ways. It could be through deeper small groups, it could be through having spiritual directors and friends, it could be through individual opening themselves up to be truly seen. No more happy facades, no more my life is all together. No more, people going through painful circumstances and glibly stating, "God has a plan and purpose" while wincing and trying to act like it didn't happen. It means people being real with one another. It means when something painful in my life happens, I can talk about the pain and experience the pain while being surrounded by an incredibly gracious and merciful God and a community of people who hold up His light and support each other in the pain. It means helping people find God in the pain. Again, this isn't teaching them things to say when they hurt that is supposed to make them feel better, but it is teaching them to fall on their knees in front of their Abba and holding tight to him and growing deeper in a relationship with him. In order to experience God more, we need to be modeling what it is like. God created us in his image (imago dei), we are bearers of that image in so many ways. I don't think we realize how every little thing can reflect God's glory or show just how far we have fallen from that glory. This is my dream. No, that's not true. It has become my dream, because it started with God, not me. I am on a journey where there is no clear path and the fear is turning into excitement. God has a purpose for me. He has a task for me to complete. WOW! God wants me to do something for his kingdom. And you know what? He wants each and every one of us to do something for him. None of us is without purpose. We are called by our Creator to shine his light and do his work. How awesome is that!

I am humbled that you would trust me with such a task God. I pray I am like the servants who took their talents and doubled them and that I would not hide your talent in the ground. Guide me, show me where you want me to go. Please do not let me be led astray from the whisperings of the enemy or this world. Amen.

I Miss You Iwona

I'm feeling incredibly homesick for my friend, Iwona. Here is a picture of she and I at Christmas back in 1998 (I think...). I love you Iwonka and I'm so excited about the little boy on the way!! I hope you get to read my blog.

My Prayer

Lord,
I have so much to do this week and I feel really overwhelmed with the thought of it all. I do not want to lose focus on you, which I know is easy for me to do when I get this busy. I also know, I will procrastinate some things and I will need endurance to get everything done. Please guide me, continue to use me as I work with the clients you have placed in my life, and when I feel frustrated and overwhelmed, I pray I feel your arms wrap around me and hold me. Above all, Your Kingdom come and Your will be done. I pray this through the precious name of my Savior, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Life Lesson

Tonight, I was given a life lesson from God. It was a clear message that my desire to build true spiritual community will be hard. It will disappoint me at times and maybe even break my heart. However, He has made it clear that I am to keep pressing forward. I think it was a way of giving me a little taste so that when bigger obstacles come, I am prepared and I don't give in to despondency and frustration. When I came home tonight, there was my daily devotional from Ransomed Heart sitting in my email and it spoke the same truth. John Eldredge said it "will be messy". But his words did not invoke a since of despair and pessimism. It did show me that this task the Lord has set before me will not be met with "hurrahs", I may be easily disappointed, and it will require hard work and sacrifice on my part.
So what does it mean to be in spiritual community? It means we don't try to fix someone because we can't handle their pain. It means we sit with them, in the mud and gunk, and when they don't get out of the mud, we don't start telling them how to change their life or telling them where they are messed up. It means staying in the yuck and holding out the light of Jesus, holding that person. Do you have to live in the yuck with that person? No, I don't think that is necessarily healthy. But it does mean that we are willing to sit in the muck when we are present. Don't fix, don't tell them how to walk with God better, but instead, hold God out for them to see and shine Jesus for them. It means helping their heart stir and desire to be with Christ more. It means crying with them when they cry and laughing when they laugh. It means listening first and praying continually, and opening our own life up to the Spirit last so that God does the work through us. When we try to fix, we tell God we know better than him and we are working out of our own power. Imagine this... a person is experiencing some type of brokenness and God is holding that person and here we come and say, I know what will fix him/her, let go God, I can take care of it. That's utterly ridiculous! I know better how to fix a person than their own Creator does? Whenever we seek to help someone, we should always seek God first and ask that his Spirit move in us to do His work. When we do it on our own, we potentially risk doing more harm than good.

Planting Seeds

I signed up to receive an email daily devotional from Ransomed Heart last night and got the first one today. (For those of you who don't know, Ransomed Heart is a ministry led by John Eldredge, feel free to check out their web page.) Here is yet another person talking about the challenges of connecting and having community within the church. It is yet another voice stirring me and moving me down a new way of thinking as it relates to the church body. I feel like God is leading me down a certain path, but he has not cleary marked it out. I have a feeling I am meant to prepare the ground and plant seeds, but this is something that will take time to grow and be fruitful. I am not even sure I am meant to see the plants grow or harvest them. This is challenging to me. It is the story of my career choice. So often, I am unable to see the real impact my presence has on the lives of others. I may walk away feeling like there was little work done, but, in fact, the person walks away and my presence impacts them down the line. This may be one of those same things, where I impact a ministry but I don't see or experience the ending. That frustrates me, because with my work, I want to do other things that I can see through to completion. I will accept this, if this is in fact where God is leading me, but it would be great if I could somehow make this more. Perhaps, that is my desire, to be a part of something huge. Even as I say that, I have to laugh to myself. Hmmmm, I want to be a part of something bigger and yet I am part of the greatest and grandest story ever told. So, why do I need to be a part of something "huge"? Perhaps, my desire is to feel like I am making a bigger impact on the Body. I am not content with just a few lives, I want to help start developing something that has the ability to truly move people into a new realm, a new way of experiencing Christ. I'm not sure what to make of my discontent. Generally, I think of it as sin, but discontent can also be a way the Spirit can move us to a new place. I need a confirmation from you, God. I don't want this to be about me, but about God. If my discontent is due to my desire to feed my pride, it needs to leave, NOW. However, if this is from God, I want to know, I want a sign, a very powerful sign, that I am to move forward in this.
I realize this is me thinking out loud and making it rather public. This is the kind of thing I usually do in my journal. I just felt the need to put this on my blog. The idea of starting something new is a bit overwhelming and to be honest, I have no idea what it is supposed to look like. Life is indeed a journey with many adventures along the way. I must remember that the destination isn't a place here on this Earth, but it is eternal life with my heavenly Father. He alone is to be glorified.

Another Weekend

Well, here it is, another weekend. I'm excited to have no commitments or plans for the weekend, so I can pretty much do whatever. There are so many things to do, I have a hard time deciding. Currently, I am curled up in bed with my winter PJ's on. It is cold outside!!! It only got into the 50's today and currently, it is in the low 40's. Brrrrr! I'm not quite ready for winter yet, although a nice long autumn would be great.
I really don't have a lot to say, but felt that since I hadn't written in a while, I should say something. I hope everyone is doing well! :)

P.S. Here is a lovely fall photograph of the Aspens changing at Rocky Mountain National Park.

Under the Tuscan Sun

Ladybugs

Have you ever had one of those moments where God spoke to you in the most mundane of things? I did today. I realized that I had to return my videos back to Blockbuster today and I hadn't watched one of them yet. So I took time out this afternoon and watched it. I am now in love with the movie and want to buy it. It was the movie Under the Tuscan Sun with Diane Lang. There were many elements to this movie, but the part that really struck me was towards the end when Lang's character is told by her realtor that she got what she wanted when she bought the house. She had told him earlier in the film that she wanted the house to be home to a wedding and a family. She got both, but they were not what she imagined. It was as though God said to me, "I know the desires of your heart and I will give them to you, but you must be prepared that they may not happen as you see it or want it. They may not happen when you want it to." One of the characters told Lang that she needed to stop seeking what she couldn't have and live life where it was. When she did that, the things she was seeking for would find her (i.e. when you stop trying to find a ladybug and rest, eventually the ladybugs will find you and cover you up - you need to see the movie to really grasp this example). Again, it felt as though God were telling me to move on and live life to my fullest without thought of the things I desperately crave. As I live for Him, as I follow the things He has placed in my heart, the other desires of my heart will follow. I know I am not explaining the true depth and meaning that was given to me today. I only know that God used something as simple as a movie to paint me a picture of how he wants me to live life.
I feel like a part of me has stopped living because my life is not where I want it to be. I just get through each day with nothing to look forward to and no expectations that God will show up (as I see it in my desires and dreams). This movie reminded me that I can live and do the best that I can do at whatever I have been gifted with. I can find pleasure and satisfaction out of the the littlest things. I actually cooked dinner tonight and enjoyed it. It wasn't work, it was pouring myself into something that nourished not only me, but my cousin, whom I love. Eventually, I will find where God has answered the desires of my heart, but maybe in a way that I can't even imagine at the moment. I long for a husband and a family. Somehow and maybe not as I see it, God will provide for me in these areas.
The challenge now is finding what I am good at and using it to the maximum. My other challenge is finding a way to make a living that makes me feel like I am alive and I am serving a purpose. I don't want a job, I want something that makes me feel like I am being used to touch others in a special and unique way. God has a plan, I am sure of it.
Please watch Under the Tuscan Sun if you haven't already. I think this entry will make much more sense if you watch the movie. Lyndsey and Dawn, I know you will have no problems.
Keep plugging away even when it seems nothing makes sense, somehow, it will all come around in the end.

My Addictions

For the most part, I like to think that I am fairly free of any addictive tendencies. However, I know of a couple that have the potential to really do me in. First, is my addiction to Coca-Cola (I figured I better not use the word Coke for fear of misinterpretation). I don't seem able to go without having my carbonated sugar fix for the day. The second one, is my addiction to the Sims games. Have you heard of them? They are role playing games where you can build and create towns and families and then have them live out their life. I go through phases with this. Sometimes, I can go months without playing, but when I finally decide to play, I play for hours at a time. I will neglect other things to play Sims. I will stay up until 4:30 in the morning (like I did last night) playing. Can I just say, I am really tired right now! It's my own fault. I can't believe I let the time get away from me like that. I had to get up this morning and boy, was it painful. I'm so tired, but I have a full schedule the rest of the day and evening. I am home on a break after meeting with Andrea for some Arbonne accountability time and I will have to leave soon to see a client and then I go to Bible Study after that. Perhaps, I will sleep when I come home, but I am worried that I will turn my laptop back on and play more Sims. That is what is bizarre, I can't wait until I have another opportunity to play. I love building things mostly, but I did just create a family and I want to get them going. *SIGH*. So, this is my confession about my addiction. And it is an addiction, if I'm obsessing about when I can play next, I'm addicted. I guess there are worse things to be addicted to.
Sleep well my friends and I will do my best to not play when I get home.

What I wish was in front of me....

My friends, Daniel and Iwona, took this picture when they were in Cancun. Right now, I would love to hear the sound of the waves and just stare into the ocean.

Waiting On God

Whew! What a day! I had a client this afternoon and it really drained me. When I got home around 5:30, I ate some pumpkin bread that I made (mmmmm, yummy!) and then crashed on my bed. I slept for a whole hour, and I slept hard. I felt much better when I woke up, but I really wish that I didn't get drained so easily. The down side of being an introvert.

I was supposed to have dinner with Dawn, but she is exhausted, too. So, we decided to get together tomorrow night instead. I have to decide on a movie to rent. I see movies so rarely, that I'm not sure what I want to get. Bless Dawn's heart, my TV broke and she is bringing over an extra TV she and Scott have so that we can watch movies together. I'm excited to hang out with her. We need some good old-fashioned girl time.

So, my latest challenge is learning to really trust God with my current situation. Financially, things can't be any more grim for me. I'm not making enough to pay more than my rent and utilities. I have no gas money, no grocery money, and no money to renew my malpractice insurance (which my job is dependent upon). I don't even have money to order my Arbonne so I can get paid my commission check (which would have at least bought groceries). I know God can provide for me, but I think I have been disappointed so many times, that I'm unsure whether he will. That's the issue, I just don't know what God is thinking or how he plans to deal with this area of my life. I'm looking for other jobs, but I've had no luck. Of course, it doesn't help that I am frustrated with my whole career outlook anyway. I have no expectations that God will miraculously provide, because if I do and he doesn't, it will be such a huge disappointment. Faith is certainly believing without seeing. I do have to admit that today has been a good day in regards to my relationship with God. I've been more aware of his presence in my life today and he has provided me comfort when I am weary. Come to think of it, I always see God providing for me emotionally more than physically. But, I would not give up the emotional support. I suppose if I had to choose one, I would choose the emotional. I don't know why. Perhaps, I realize that is a part of me that is the most fragile and needs the most divine intervention. However, God cares about both my emotional and physical so I shouldn't limit him to just one area. I know he has provided in the physical area before, I just don't seem able to remember it.

What I really hope for is that I would get this lesson that God is trying to teach me, because it seems to be something we keep revisiting. The general lesson involves me trusting God with something and then everything gets yanked out from underneath me. Whether that is living arrangements, financial, relationships, or job, I continually get doors once opened slammed shut or it is completely taken from me. Sometimes, I admit, it's because I was listening more to myself than God, but there are times where God clearly spoke and reaffirmed and then took it away. I don't get it. I still don't get the big picture this lesson is meant to teach me. And, am I learning whatever this lesson is or am I doomed to repeat it again?

I will keep plugging away and I will keep trusting God. Why? Because he is more reliable than anything else in this world. Because, he gave me eternal life, adopted me as his child, and calls me his princess. I know I can't think the way God thinks, but his Word has promised that everything will ultimately end up for his glory and the good of his people (which I am one of). This is hard, but to give up on God would make it harder.

Food For Thought

I have a notebook where I have written down quotes from books. I was flipping through it tonight and came upon several interesting passages. I thought I would post one and get people's feedback. :)

"Paradox again: to take ourselves seriously enough to take ourselves lightly. If every hair of my head is counted, then in the very scheme of the cosmos I matter; I am created by a power who cares about the sparrow, and the rabbit in the snare, and the people on the crowded streets; who calls the stars by name. And you. And me."

Madeline L'Engle, A Circle of Quiet

Photography

I got an idea from Kari's blog to post some of my photography. I have many other pictures, but they haven't been scanned in yet. I will try to post some of my pictures from time to time. I hope you enjoy them.
Jenn

Rose

Purple Flower Close-Up

Pear Blossoms

Lily

Deer Valley Ranch

Rocky Mountain Wild Flowers

Being An Introvert

I have to say that for the most part, I like being an introvert, but this weekend is not one of those times. We had a great party at our house last night and so many people came, but I am completely shot now. OVERSTIMULATED!!!!!! To top it all off, I had a meeting today and several tomorrow, so I don't have a full day to retreat and recoup. That's what stinks about being an introvert, if you get too much stimulation (i.e. too busy and too many people/distractions), it can take you some time to recover. I normally go to church on Saturday nights, but the thought of being around more people just made me shudder. I am also really tired. So here it is, not even 7:00 pm on a Saturday night, and I'm in my pajamas and in bed. Oye Vay! What the life! I have a feeling that it will take me through Monday to completely recover since I will be engaged with more activities and people tomorrow. We shall see. For now, I will enjoy the rain and thunder outside and my cats laying on my feet. I will relish the quiet evening.

If you want to find out your personality type (I'm an INFJ), go to similarminds.com and take one of the Jung tests.

Have a great weekend!!!!!

Jenn

Party Success!

Well, we had our house warming party and what a party it was. There were so many people there. I don't ever think I've had a party at my home with so many people. Everyone was great and people brought us presents, which was sweet. The only down side was that there were so many people it was hard to actually connect with anyone, since I was playing hostess.
We had a downpour right when the party started. It was crazy out! I'm surprised I didn't hear anything about flood watches or warnings. People still got out and braved the rain and came. It was great.
I'm supposed to go to Denver tomorrow for an Arbonne meeting with Brooke, Dawn, and Andrea. Right now, I am having a hard time winding down from today. This has really been my first "me" time today. I wish I didn't need that down time so much, but that is what happens when you are an introvert.
I actually have a full weekend and then only a half full week. I think I will check jobs with Mountain Crest again. My work situation is not working out and I really have a desire to work at Mountain Crest. I don't know why, but I do. I'll see if they have a job opening that fits for me.
Well, I need to get ready for bed, it's after midnight. Sweet dreams to all my friends and family. You are loved!
Jenn

New Blog Entry

I started a blog on the 21st, but I saved it and just now got back to it. I had reached a mental block while writing, so I set it down for a little longer than I planned. It's a more philosophical blog. I hope it encourages!

Jenn

Cat Toys and Cat Nip

Well, so far, my evening has comprised of playing with my boys (Agape and Dante) and being on the computer. How exciting. I had to get the boys a new feather for their favorite toy as the other one came flying off last night. They were very upset. So I got a new one today and Dante has been having a ball with it. I just gave them some catnip and they are acting goofy now. Sometimes, I wish life were as simple for us as it is for them. Oh, what sounds like fun today? I know, I think I will play with my toy, take several naps, and enjoy a little catnip to finish the night off. How uncomplicated? However, I would also have to use the litterbox, clean myself with my tongue (EWWWW!), and depend on my owner to play with me, feed me, and provide me with the cat nip I so desire. Ah, Dante is bored with the cat nip and is telling me he would like to play with his toy again. Sometimes, he can get a little over fixated on that toy. I don't think Agape is feeling very well tonight. He hasn't been his playful self and he has been sleeping more than normal.
I have to work tonight. I have a family that I see for almost 3 hours! I really enjoy them though, so the time goes by very fast.
Erin and I are having our housewarming this Friday. We are looking forward to it. I hope that people have fun. We can't afford much in the way of gourmet food or special drinks, but we will have munchies and soda/tea for people.
Well, I have to leave soon, so I will sign off for now. Hugs to all my friends!

Jenn

Trusting God

"It often seems more difficult to trust God than to obey him" (Jerry Bridges, Trusting God, p. 17). This line comes from one of the many books I am reading at the moment. I am reading an insane number of books (I can't seem to stick to just one). I want to try and put a quote or talk about something I read in my blog. I think this one has a lot of implications. Initially, I agree with Bridges statement. Sometimes, it is easier to just go through the motions of obeying rather than wrestle with the sovereignty and goodness of God. But, upon further reflection, I would have to say that statement is not an absolute. For me, to obey God means I often have to trust him with certain parts of my life first. If God calls me to do something, but that means stepping out of my comfort zone or stepping out in faith, I will sometimes turn the other way and disobey what he calls me to do. Why? Because, I don't trust God. I fear he will let me down or abandon me. Through this book, I am beginning to gain a clearer idea of what it really means to believe in the sovereignty and goodness of God. I think, as Christians, we have a tendency to only believe in one of those 100% while we quietly and subtly deny the other one. Most often, we want to embrace God's love and goodness, but undermine his sovereignty. Bridges talks about this better than I can. He states that, "Often unwilling to accept the fact that God is working, because they don't understand how He is working, they have chosen to substitute the doctrine of chance for the doctrine of divine providence". How many times have you made the comment, "it's just mother nature", or "chance". These subtly undermine God's sovereignty and control. I have been guilty of this. I often struggle with bad things happening and God being in complete control of events. I think that comes from thinking too small. Bridges hit is home for me when he wrote, "Confidence in the sovereignty of God in all that affects us is crucial to our trusting Him. If there is a single event in all of the universe that can occur outside of God's sovereign control then we cannot trust Him". Think about it, if natural disasters along with miracles can happen without God's control or willful permission, then we cannot trust him. Life would be a series of happenstance. But God is in control of what happens on a day to day occurrence. He is in control of whether I get a virus or infection, of getting the job or not, and of when I meet the right person for me. There is no wrong place at the wrong time. God is always working for his glory and the good of his people. I, and you, can rest assured that God has the big picture and he will take care of his children. The Bible states that if we, as sinful people, can care and love for our children, then how much more will God do so for us. We must rest in these promises. It will give us hope for the future and strength to get through the difficult times. May each one of you reading this feel God's presence in your life today.
Love,
Jenn

Doing something new...
I started this blog, originally, just so I could write on my friend, Lyndsey's blog. However, I am beginning to think this might be a good way to keep people updated. I have a My Space account, but this can be more private and I can share more of what is happening in my life without some weirdo hitting on me. You wouldn't believe the things guys have said to me on My Space.
Right now, I am listening to Celtic music and just being a bum. Erin and I played some games earlier and I actually made myself dinner tonight. I decided I felt creative and made a recipe with chicken on the fly. It actually turned out quite well.
Tomorrow, I am going to listen to a concert at New West Fest in Fort Collins. Nickel Creek, which is a bluegrass band, will be performing late tomorrow afternoon. I've heard them before and I really like their music. I forgot to refill my sleeping meds, so I hope I can stay asleep tonight. That's my main problem. I can fall asleep all right, I just have trouble sleeping for longer than 2 hours. YUCK! Well, we will see what happens.
Jenn