Difficult Truths

I read more from the book, Authentic Beauty, the book I mentioned in an earlier blog. I find it has some difficult truths. I have written down a few quotes from the book that I would like to share.

"An ongoing, passionate romance with our true Prince is the foundation for success in every other area of life."

This statement sounds nice and sweet. In truth it is the beginning of a difficult journey. What does an "ongoing, passionate romance with our true Prince" really look like? Well, what does this look like in earthly terms. Ongoing, means it doesn't have an end date in mind. It is a daily occurrence and happening constantly. A passionate romance, how many women melt at that thought? A passionate romance means feeling pursued, it means that the person you are in a relationship has your full attention and devotion. You would do anything for this person. You bear your soul and innermost being to this person. A passionate romance is what, at least in American terms, we consider love. Love should be sacrificial. Isn't that what God did for us? He sacrificed his life because he loved us and knew there was no other way for us to be reconciled to him. He pursues us and he treasures us. Here is the catch, we are adulterers. We have other lovers that vie for our attention and time. We are not fully committed to the "ongoing, passionate romance with our true Prince". This is where I start to struggle. This is how Leslie Ludy, author of the above mentioned book defines other lovers.

"Often they [other lovers] are the areas that we derive most of our confidence, security, and happiness from. They are the things we cling to most tightly, the things we can't imagine giving up or living without."

OUCH! Now, I am faced with a dilemma. Do I embrace and accept the life Jesus has offered me or do I cling onto those things that I believe give me happiness? I wish I could say, I want to give Jesus everything and I abandon all other lovers for him. That would be the kosher thing to say, but it would be empty if I said it for the sake of looking holy and righteous. The truth is, I am scared of letting go of my other lovers. I am afraid because I have a hard time grasping that Jesus really can provide me for me in a tangible way. I separate my physical and emotional from my spiritual, which isn't the correct way to think. They are intricately tied together. I have a mental block that tells me that what I seek now will never be found in this world through Jesus. Sure, it will be provided for in heaven, but this isn't a fulfilled Kingdom yet. So, if I can't completely surrender my life to Jesus and sacrifice my other lovers, my life is left unfulfilled and stagnant. God can still work in my life, but I cannot be truly empowered by the Spirit, because my allegiance is tied to other things. I have a choice to make. It is painful to me.

There I go again with my all or none thinking. In my head I am telling myself that I have to give up everything and give it up without ever wandering back. Perhaps, it is more realistic to let go of one area and then move my way up the ladder, to the one thing that ultimately takes all my time and energy. I am also struck with the dilemma of how to deal with work. It takes a great deal of my time and energy, to the point where I don't want to seek out God at all. I merely want to escape and zone out. It seems like any job does this to me, especially in the human services field that I am in. If I am unwilling to let go, my life will not be set apart. I will be a Christian, but living like everyone else in the world. This is how Ludy describes it...

" But my life on the inside was no different than the rest of the world - self-absorbed and stressed-out, disillusioned and depressed, watered-down and wounded, compromised and cowardly. My mind, heart, soul, thoughts, attitudes, habits, dreams, and desires were nothing like that of a lily-white princess."

If I want to be a princess worthy of my prince, I have to be lily-white. I have to be pure and get rid of all the other garbage. Sometimes, the amount of garbage is so overwhelming, I don't know where to start or how I will ever finish. Other times, what really is garbage, doesn't look like garbage to me. I don't recognize it for what it is. I remember praying to God the other day, "I know I am wallowing in filth and muck and I don't know why I continue to stay in this place. I just don't know how to get out". For some reason, I think I like the filth. How weird and disturbing.

Well, it is getting late and I have to be to work early in the morning. I am sure I will continue to be challenged in this area and it will be on my mind frequently.

Being Feminine

I have this book I borrowed from a friend and while downloading something on my computer I picked it up and started reading it. Bear in mind, I am already reading two other books. As I read a few pages, I found it hard to put the book down, even though my eyes are really tired, as well as, my brain. There were several sections that tugged at my heart. I have been very emotional this week and I am tired, but the tears that started to fill my eyes weren't about reading something emotional combined with the prior. Instead, it hit me at my core and made me revisit something that I often try to shove deep inside and ignore. The book is called Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. Here is the first passage:

"A seed of doubt had entered my mind - maybe the dream of becoming a beautiful princess and being cherished by a noble prince was simply not possible for someone like me. Maybe it only happened for girls like Snow White and Malibu Barbie. Maybe men would always see me as ugly and undesirable. Maybe I am not pretty enough, talented enough, or vivacious enough. Maybe in order to be found attractive...I needed to change."

I'll admit it, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. When I think of being in a relationship with a man, I want a prince charming. I want to brave knight who will love me, have eyes only for me, and protect me. It is something I have always wanted and yet, it seems like a dream. It doesn't seem possible. I'm not one who attracts guys easily. Most guys see me as a sister type. There is nothing wrong with that. I can support these men and lift them up by playing the role of sister to them. But, there is still this void. I want a lifelong companion. Since, I can't find this somebody, does that mean there is something wrong with me? The logical and rational part of my brain states that is nonsense. But something deeper in my being weeps, because I feel like I am not "enough" for anyone. "I need to change". This has been echoed by so many people in my life. People whom I trust, love and value their opinions often give me advice such as: I am too "picky", I don't "flirt enough" or worse, I am a "bad flirt". They also say, I need to become more "approachable", I need to put myself "out there more", and I need to "lower my standards". In essence, don't listen to your gut instinct (which is almost always right by the way) and do things contrary to that. I'm just being uptight. Why then, whenever I have moved contrary to my gut, it ends in disaster? But, here I am, alone. I'm not getting any younger and the reality of that has been affecting me more and more. When people use to ask me, "Are you seeing anyone?", I was more annoyed then hurt. Now, it creates an ache that I quickly try to dismiss by letting people think I am perfectly fine with my singleness and I don't need a man. Which brings me to the second quote I want to share.

"We live in a world that seeks to destroy all that is princess-like and feminine within us. From a very young age, our world mocks any longing for tender romance or true love that might linger in our heart. Our culture tells us that instead of dreaming about giving our heart to some mythical knight in shining armor, we would be far wiser to spend our time looking out for ourselves."

Why does our culture degrade women for wanting to be feminine? How does being feminine make us weaker? That's what the feminists want us to believe. I used to consider myself a feminist. I bought into the lie that I can do anything a man can do. In essence, I believed there is nothing unique and special in a man. If there is nothing unique and special, then why do little girls dream of prince charming? I don't understand why it is so awful to want to find a "good man". That is ultimately, what prince charming is about, finding a "good man". By telling our little girls to stop seeking him, do we not set them up to compromise? Do we not make our men less accountable when we tell little girls that the knight in shining armor is a myth. By holding up a higher standard, our men are forced to be the strong and noble people God created them to be. Our feminist culture has told me there is nothing unique about you and you have nothing to offer us as women. Well, guess what, we've brought them up to offer us nothing unique and that our hearts really aren't important. Women then turn around and complain about men. Our culture holds a double standard. Women don't need men, but then we complain because they don't live up to our expectations. They don't fit that prince charming template that our culture has suppressed, but is still alive deep within us.

I get so frustrated with the relationship between men and women, Neither of us knows how to handle the other. To be honest, I don't think we know how to handle our own sex, much less relate to the opposite sex. We have made relationships 100 times more complicated then it probably should be. We live in a culture where commitment means nothing. God meant marriage to be a reflection of his relationship with his creation, humans. By breaking commitment at every juncture we are unhappy, what are we saying about God's commitment towards us? Once again, men and women are adulterers in their relationship with God. Our lack of commitment is yet further evidence of how incredibly corrupt and sinful we are and how far we have fallen from God.

I know this has truly been a stream of consciousness. It may not make sense to anybody but me, but I don't necessarily write this blog to provide clarity to others. This is more an opportunity to write my feelings and thoughts down and to send it out to someone. Keeping a journal is one thing, but blogging makes it feel like I have released my thoughts rather than locking them away. I'm not very good at conveying what I feel to many people (a have less then a handful I can really express my heart to) and blogging allows me to communicate to a larger audience at a safe distance.

I'm rambling, I know I am rambling. I will stop for now.

Human Nature

I received this story in my email today. I had heard it before, but since I now work with people who have disabilities, it hit deeper then it did the first time. This story is truly evidence that God works in amazing ways and his love conquers all things. Yes, sin is a part of our nature, but so is the image of God and the following story demonstrates that God made us to love. We were made to reflect Him, how wonderfully this story captures it.

To the author, I apologize that I do not know your name. Your story is beautiful though.

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do.He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?" The audience was stilled by the query.

The father continued. "I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child."Then he told the following story:Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His Father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted.

In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat.Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed.The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit as low ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game.Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!" Catching his breath,Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball ... the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home.All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay" Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third!"As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators,were on their feet screaming, "Shay, run home! Run home!" Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

"That day", said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, "the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world". Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

Autumn Colors

I love autumn. It is probably my favorite season. My favorite things about autumn are the changing colors, the sound of leaves crunching, and the cool, cool nights and the warmer days. I remember when I was younger, I thought the trees looked like God uprooted them, stuck the tops into paint and then let the paint slowly drip to the bottom leaves. I still love that image. The trees are God's paintbrushes. Just saying it puts a wonderful image in my mind.

The one thing I miss most about Kansas would be all the different colors hillsides of trees. Here, in Colorado, to see hillsides of trees, you have to go deep into Rocky Mountain National Park and the trees are either evergreens or Aspens. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against Aspens and evergreens. Aspens are very Colorado, their leaf shape is very soothing and they turn a pretty yellow in the fall. But, back in Kansas, you had bright oranges and reds, along with yellow colored leaves. In Baldwin City, KS they have a Maple Leaf Festival because there are maple trees planted all over the town. In the autumn the whole town turns orange (see picture below of my sister and I back in the 80's at this festival).

Even the smell of autumn is different. I love having to bundle up at night and the feeling of snuggling in a blanket as a cool autumn wind stirs in the house. My teapots come out more often and I enjoy drinking a pot of hot tea while snuggled up with a good book (with the windows open of course). Just the thought of autumn makes me feel warm and wonderful inside.

I would love to here other people's ideas about their favorite season or word pictures about autumn.

Enjoy the season.

Denise and I in Baldwin City, KS at the Maple Leaf Festival

My Miracle

Most of us have had a moment where things seem to go in slow motion. Well, that happened to me today. Before I talk about what happened, I have to marvel at how calm I stayed. I know God was with me and I am so thankful for what he has done for me today.

It was a pretty busy day for me at work today. I got into work, did some quick paperwork and then off to a meeting at Foothills. This was not a meeting I was looking forward to. Sure enough, it was very tense and I found myself getting very defensive. I remember praying to Jesus to help me. At the end of the meeting, things seemed to clear and everyone left happy. Answered prayer number one. Then I had to rush out of there and drive to Wellington for a home visit. That was uneventful and I was able to wrap up, grab some lunch and get back on the road to attend another home visit in Loveland. Here is where the big miracle happened! I'm driving along I-25 South and I am in the process of passing a car on my right. All of a sudden, they decide they want to pass the truck in front of them when my car is lined up with their back door. Slow motion begins at the point I realize I am about to get side swiped at 75 miles per hour. This isn't their turn signal was on and I need to get out of the way realization, though. This was they were already entering my lane. Usually, when I am close to getting hit by someone I forget to lay on my horn, because I am so tense and preoccupied with trying to avoid the other person. I started to pull to my left and let off the gas and then I laid on my horn. It seemed like my reaction time was really slow, still, but I realize that I was going in slow motion. Miraculously, the other car heard me and swerved back to the right. Since, it was in slow motion and happening quickly at the same time (isn't that weird how both can happen at the same time) I'm not sure just how close the other car came to hitting me. That really doesn't matter because I am safe, the other driver is safe, and I stayed completely calm the whole time. Typically, if I am almost in an accident, I heart jumps out of my chest via my throat, I am shaking, crying, and all the muscles in my arms and legs are cramping up. This time, not one of those symptoms passed. Instead, I marveled at my lack of physical response and then gave praise to God for his incredible protection of both myself, the other drivers nearby. I really have no concept of what kind of damage would have been done if we had collided. I was going 78/79 and they were going close to 75. I'm not a physics expert, but I don't think all of us could have walked away from that without divine intervention.

Anyway, I call this my miracle story. Not only because I was protected from a potentially fatal accident, but my heart and attitude during and after was protected. I could have screamed at the other person, instead I was thankful they were safe, too. I could tell it shook them up, because they slowed way down. There was such a peace in my heart, I know it didn't come from me. That's not my normal fallen way of responding. This was certainly a God thing. I marvel at what grace, mercy, protection, and love God showed me today. Thank you, Jesus, that because of you, I have Creator as my loving Papa and Daddy. And because of you, I have the Spirit to help me respond in a way that glorifies God.

My heart is singing!

Early Monring

I can't believe I am blogging at 6:30 in the morning. My cat woke me up and I decided to go ahead and get up. It will be nice to be at work early. I have a lot of appointments this morning and this way I will be able to get some work done before hand.
Sometimes, I really wonder about the motivations of others. Currently, I have a situation where I received a complaint from one of my parents. However, it was given by another agency on behalf of the parent. I emailed the parent and let them know I received the complaint and I would like to address these issues with her. Just a note, this is also a parent that I talk with frequently and these complaints really threw me for a whirl. I got an email back from the parent, very surprised that she had made these complaints, explaining that things were taken out of context. Now I have to ask, "what drove the other person to make the complaint"? Was it truly a misunderstanding of what she heard from the parent? I will find out more this morning since I meet with the parent and she is going to fill me in on the conversation she had with this other person. What irks me about the whole situation is this complaint was made by another agency to the Community Center Board rather than the parent making the complaint directly to me. I then get something from the CCB letting me know about it. All of these in between people and it never really addresses the issue which is a moot point. All it has done is made me look like I am not doing my job. A part of me says I shouldn't care whether I look bad or not, but at my core I do. I don't like looking like I failed. I know I can't be perfect, but I really don't want to look incompetent, lazy, or deficient. Perhaps, that is my worse fear, that I am those things and people are seeing right through me. Something for me to ponder some more.
Tonight I am going to a birthday party some of the people I serve are throwing for one of their providers. It should be fun as these girls are great fun to be with and I enjoy their company.
Well, I should take my shower and get ready for work. May everyone enjoy this gorgeous day and may the weekend be relaxing and fun.

Avoiding Sleep

I don't know why I am avoiding going to bed. I'm tired and my bed is really comfortable. I had a longer day then expected today, too. And yet, here I am, blogging.
I've decided that one of the things I want to do on my blog is discuss things I have read or heard. This might be drawn from non-fiction or fiction, religious or social. It might come from a song or a conversation I had with a friend. I don't want to write tripe. I want there to be some meat to my blogging. Otherwise, I feel boring. Since most people I know forget I have a blog (except Lyndsey and Dan), I feel I owe it to them to make it a little more interesting. I want to develop eleoquence with my words and the only way to do that is to discuss bigger things rather than my mundane life. We will see how this goes.

I Love My Computer

I know, I know, my title is funny. But, seeing as this is my first time back on my computer for over 6 weeks, I think I need to appreciate my computer. My power cord went out on my laptop and when I finally got around to taking it into Best Buy, it had already been a couple of weeks. I had to order the part (they didn't have it at the store) and they told me that they would mail me a label to send the old one back, which could take up to 1 week. They then told me that it would take another 3 weeks to process it once they got the old part back. Well, three weeks have passed and no mailing label. My cousin's husband decided to have a go at it and he fixed it! Hooray and thank you, Christian!


Things have changed a lot for me.

My job has improved greatly and I am enjoying it now.

My cousin and roommate got married and I am living on my own.

I am going to be in a Bible Study starting next week.

I've had the chance to go to the mountains several times this summer. I took a ton of pictures! I will have to post a few of my favorites later on.

I had to get all new tires on my car, which cost a pretty penny (actually pretty dollars).

I have a new puff quilt for my bedroom that my mom made for me (THANKS MARMEE!). It came with pillow shams, curtains, and a new cover for my vanity chair. It is very beautiful. I hope to paint my room to match my new bedroom accessories.

My garden has been beautiful this year and I have enjoyed it immensely. I am becoming very drawn to gardening, although I am still very much a novice. I am looking forward to the new things I can plant next year. My herbs did so well and I have enough dried basil and oregano to last me a couple of years.

My friend from college, Sara, came out to visit me for a couple of days. It was great getting to see her.

I think those are the main highlights that I can talk about right now. I know I will have more things to share as things develop.



One of the things I am doing now is reading a book called Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul. It has a guided journal that I am also doing. So far, it is interesting, but I haven't gotten very far. The journal takes some time to complete, so I am not reading the next chapter until I finish the corresponding section in the journal. I will post any interesting things I learn.

It's good to be back.

Calming Down

AHHHHH! Finally, things are calming down for me with my job. A situation that has been a thorn in my side for several months is now beginning to dissipate. I'm beginning to like my job again. I still have so much to do, but at least it seems manageable and not overwhelming. At least I don't feel like I am working in mental health again or that I am doing constant triage work.
I am looking forward to a couple of things this month. First, two of my best girl's and I are going to the spa to get pampered. I have never done this before and I am looking forward to spending some time with my friends. Second, my best friend from college is coming out towards the end of the month. We haven't seen each other for a very long time. It will be great to catch up and spend some time together.
Things have been busy around here at home with my roommate preparing to get married. We have been shopping, invitation addressing, and shower planning. Plus, I am preparing to not having a roommate again. I have a year to decide what I want to do. Do I want to get another roommate? Do I want to become a host home provider for someone with a developmental disability? I am not really sure. I really need to start considering where I want to go with thing because if I put it off, a year will be gone and I won't be ready.
Well, I guess that is all for now. It's nice to blog and not feel like I am whining or griping about something. It's nice to talk about the good things in life. :) There really are a lot of good things in life, it's just the few negative obscure the view sometimes.

Why?

I don't get it. I try, but it just doesn't happen. Why are there people out in the world that only want to make your life miserable? I mean, do they think, "I can't wait until I can find something to get so and so in trouble." That is sick! It is so demented. Do I ever do that? If so, I need to stop - NOW!
I already have issues with perfectionism, so when someone can't wait to "tattle" on me and announce what a horrible person I am, it hits a pretty big nerve. So how do I handle this, especially in a professional relationship? If it was a personal relationship, the answer would be easy. I would cut off my relationships with such an abusive person. In a professional relationship though, I'm not sure. I have tried dealing with this person in a diplomatic fashion. I have tried to give guidelines, set boundaries, and yet maintain a level of compassion and empathy for this person. It doesn't seem to matter. The person is rather Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute things are okay and the next I am getting antagonism and threats are being muttered to others about how much trouble I am going to be in for making a decision I made. It is not in my natural wiring to be a "hard-***", but I feel like that is what I need to be in this situation. I need to let this person "have it", but I don't think I know how to let a person have it. I hate conflict! I mean really hate it. I like harmony. My life has been anything but harmonious lately. I am starting to feel desperate. That isn't good, because desperation leads to poor decisions on my part. Desperation leads to quitting my job with no thought for the consequences. It also leads to more heartache. I keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass" and in fact one part will come to an end in the near future. It's just getting there that is the battle. But the other part of my job isn't going away anytime soon, unless I have other people intervene and back me up. Did I mentions that I really hate conflict. Ugh!
It's late, I'm hungry and tired. I need to get some sleep. Perhaps, tomorrow will look brighter after 8 hours of sleep.

Better Day

Well, I am thankful to say that today has been a much better day so far. God has really been helping me stop and think about the words that are leaving my mouth. I have noticed a larger desire to be encouraging rather than pessimistic and whiny. I have a lot to do at work, but my feeling of being overwhelmed has decreased. God is good! I am so thankful for His presence and work in my life. But I also know that to continue requires complete surrender on my part. This is not always easy, but necessary.

Grace of God

So, today was a particularly rough day for me. I am still feeling yucky, but I am not as bad as I was earlier. I have been wrestling with God about my feelings of loathing towards myself. He keeps reminding me that I have His grace. He has forgiven me and it is time to move forward. So, why am I still stuck in the same spot? I am so disillusioned with myself. I know I have made some mistakes and I have looked at them so I can learn and change. My perfectionist tendencies have taken a big blow the past couple of days because I haven't even been close to attaining those high expectations. I am tired of my attitude and I really want to change it. I suppose that is the first step. The reality is that I don't know what else to do with my stress but complain, gripe, and check out. Right now, I am at the point of being so disgusted with my complaining, that I would rather check out and spare myself and others the pain of listening to me. I know I process with words, but I don't' feel like anything is changing. If my words aren't helping me reach a resolution then I need to SHUT UP.
I am at the point where I just want to quit my job. The only problem is that I don't think there is a job out there that will go smoothly and meet all my needs. There will always be something wrong. That is my problem. At the same time, I have a tendency to stick with jobs that are not good for me, because I convince myself that I need to stick it out for the people I work with. I am holding onto my current position because of some of the people. But is that the right answer? I have been so stressed lately, that I question the fit of this job. Should a job make you feel this stressed and anxious? These are questions I have to ask myself. I don't want people to suffer more because I stink at my job or I hate my job. I don't know. I wish I did, but I am not sure if it is possible to really know.
I'm depressed and anxious. This is not the best state of mind to be making any decisions about my job. Plus, I don't know what I would do instead. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day (of which I am actually dreading and wishing it were Saturday rather than only Wednesday).
I really need God's grace and love to sustain me right now. I really need wisdom from God. I really need a hug and to feel God holding me tight to Him.

Updated Home Page

Just FYI, my home page has been updated. I dont' blog there, but it has some fun stuff that doesn't post well here. To get there, click on Jenn's Home Page in the links section to the right. :)

Love One Another

It is such a catch phrase, love one another. It is easy for us to say, but is it really that easy to do? No, I don't think so, at least, not in our own power. I am always amazed at how Jesus loves us and it is only through Him that I am able to love others. It is because He loved them first. Jesus loves the broken, the wounded, the disabled, the sick, the poor. He loves the bullies and the behavior cases. He loves sinners of all shapes and sizes. Hallelujah, because I am one of them. Why is it that the above are so hard for us to love. Is it because they are different? Is it because they remind us of our fears? Is it because they try our very patience and create stress in our lives? Is it because we are afraid if we get to close, somehow, their misfortune will be contagious and will contaminate us? Is is because we all have an inferiority complex and we have to find someone, somewhere, who we can make lower than ourselves? We are all inflicted with a disease called pride and sin. Whether we are impacted by sin because we live in a fallen world (i.e. we have a disability or are sick) or because we make sinful choices, we all need the healing and salvation that Jesus brings. As Christians, we especially need to realize that we have not arrived. We need to stop covering ourselves in a veneer of self-righteousness. We are works in progress and the grace that we get from Jesus needs to be shared with the world around us. Is this easy? NO! I can't tell you how the situation I am in right now tries every patient ounce that is in me. Can I do this on my own? AGAIN, NO! It is only in allowing Jesus to have control of my life that I will be able to extend that which has been extended to me. It is by living moment by moment in His presence that I am able to live the life that He is calling me to.

Job Fair

Well, here I am at a job fair for work. We don't have a lot in the way of positions, but I am here representing Good Shepherd. I have to tell you how annoyed I am at the sign they posted to signify our table. The spelled shepherd wrong. They spelled it shepard. UGH! Please, use spell check. What would really be funny... if I made a spelling error in this blog. :) LOL

I have had a consumer with me all day today because she refused to go to work. I wasn't happy. It's really hard to get work done when she is around because she wants constant entertaining. She was also really emotional, which made things more challenging. I wish I could figure a way that would not be reinforcing for her missing work. Her provider was finally able to pick her up, so now I am killing time while the job fair winds down.

Working with people who have disabilities is a challenge at times and also rewarding. In some cases, I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. I have a great time with some of my consumers. They are funny and lively. The only part of my job I don't like is when it feels like I am working for mental health again. This usually entails crisis work or dealing with major behavior issues. It means trying to find a solution, fast, and fixing the situation now. This is when I absolutely hate my job. I hate that my phone rings and I am available 24/7. Lately, if I am home and the phone rings a scream can be heard throughout the house. I just want a break. I don't want to be needed all the time. Sometimes, I feel guilty for having these feelings. I don't' want to help anymore. I just want to be left alone.

Well, my battery is getting low and we will be wrapping up soon. I should go.

What Would Work?

I have been facing the issue that I never seem to be content in any job that I hold. I always end up feeling stressed out and drained. So what would work? What kind of job could I have that would supply for my financial needs and not have a high stress level, and would not leave me drained at the end of the day? Is there such a job out there for me? I wish I knew. I wish I could figure this out. I don't like feeling discontent, stressed out, and I don't like it that my friends have to hear me complain all the time. I want to give to my friends, not take away from them. For every day I work, I feel like I need a whole day to recuperate emotionally and mentally. Sometimes, I feel like I am just not wired to work full-time. But, as single woman, I don't have another person who can provide for me. I have to provide for myself. Working part-time would pay the mortgage and some utilities, nothing else. I know God has a plan for my life, I am just puzzled by my discontent, especially if God has led me to work in particular area. Sigh. I don't have any answers today, just questions.

Great Writer

Sometimes, I wish I could write eloquently and easily. To tell you the truth, it is very difficult for me to write. I find it difficult to encapsulate everything that is going through my head. I have so many different emotions, thoughts, and beliefs that I hardly know where to start. My mind typically races and my fingers can't keep up. By the time I get one thought down, the next one has moved on and I can't keep track. No, I'm not manic, just overwhelmed with all that is inside me. I would love to pick a topic and blog about it. When it comes down to it though, I draw a blank. Again, I think I struggle with where to start and where to take it and how to end it. I would love to give witty repartee about psychology, or deep spiritual thoughts. It would be great to talk about science or politics. Another part of me is afraid of expressing my opinions too freely and then getting stuck on a certain point, or worse still not knowing everything or being told I am wrong. Perhaps, part of my writer's block is merely a fear of being rejected and discovered a fraud. Come to think of it, isn't that almost every one's basic fear?

Sleepy

I have been so incredibly sleepy today. I didn't realize just how exhausted and physically beaten down this past week has made me. I have been having a very lazy day today. I have really enjoyed not having my work phone on all the time. When I think about tomorrow and turning it back on and getting back to work, the anxiety in my gut wells up and makes it to my throat. I don't want to dread work, but I am. I dread everyone wanting things from me. Most of all, I dread hearing the phone ring. It makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it. Sometimes, it seems the phone doesn't stop ringing, and I either want to scream or hurl the phone across the room and smash it into a hundred pieces. Completely illogical, but there is something satisfying about that image. I really want to enjoy my work, but I find I dread it more often now. Everytime I get a new job, I think, this is going to be great. It usually doesn't take long for me to hate it. I think the reason being is that work takes all of me. When I get home at the end of the day or on the weekends, I have nothing left to give. That bothers me, because I end up sucking life out of people rather than giving life to the people that mean the most to me. Work seems to illicit an shut down mode on me. Unfortunately, being single, I am forced to work in order to live. I don't have the luxury of having a husband "bring home the bacon", while I focus on making a home for him and any children. I really wish work didn't drain me. I want to enjoy my life, not merely exist. I don't want to be sleepy because I am so stressed out my body has to sleep to recup. I want to have energy and life. I just don't know how to resolve this and make it better. I see no path that I can take that will make this better. It is so frustrating when you can't see the path and you feel lost.

Stress Endurance

This last week has been an incredible challenge for me. My stress level has been out the roof and my sleep has been poor. This is primarily due to not really sleeping for one whole night a week ago. I had a client act up which resulted in me driving to the Denver Metro Area and picking her up at the ER. This in itself is not a big deal. It's that I had to leave at 1:00 in the morning. I then took her back to the office while I waited for daybreak so I could find her respite. UGH! The drama I have to deal with can leave, thank you very much. I can't say much more on the subject given confidentiality issues, but I have been moderately grumpy all week.
The great part of all this drama is finding out that I have friends and people who care about me. I have felt loved by them and incredibly supported. God has given me an incredible amount of strength, despite my grumpiness and somewhat bitter heart. I wonder what He could do with me if I let go of those latter two things. Anyway, I have felt loved and cared for by my Savior and the people He has blessed me with called friends (especially Dawn and Lyndsey). Sometimes, I don't understand this path I am currently on. I find that I want to know from God what purpose He has for me at this moment of my life. I have a hard time being content with the journey. I am sometimes like a small child, always asking, "Why?".
One thing I have become very aware of is that God is incredibly patient, loving, and merciful. I look at my own human reaction to people's negative behavior and I get fed up. Does God? The Bible recounts that God does get frustrated, disappointed, and doles out consequences. But, He always calls us back to Him and He is always saying that his reasons for feeling and acting the way He does is because we have hurt Him. We spit in His face even when He has built us a mansion and covered us in beautiful garments. When He found us, we were naked and covered in dirt and blood. He picked us up and cleaned us up. So often, how do we thank Him? I am amazed at His ability to love us even when we hurt Him over and over again. No one on this earth could possibly love us like that. We would bail on a person who acted this way towards us, but God doesn't. Consequences, yes, but abandonment, no. Oh Thank You Jesus! I do not deserve such love and mercy. None of us do. Perhaps, part of my current trials and path are to learn to love as He does. WOW! That will be a hard road, but to become more like Him...that is a gift for the world.

Stuck

Well, this is an adventure. Here I am, all ready to go home for the day. I get in my car and what happens...NADA! There was a momentary click and then complete silence. Great! I think my car battery is dead. I am now waiting for my cousin and her fiance to come and give my car a jump. At least I have my laptop to keep me amused. So far, I have plucked my eyebrows, trimmed my finger and toenails, put on lipstick, cleaned my purse, and now I am doing this. This has all occured in the last 30 minutes. Oh well!
At least it is really pretty out today. I can enjoy the day somewhat.
I am still fighting a bug. The stomach stuff appears to be over. However, my ear is still giving me occasional pangs. If it doesn't get better, I may have to go to the doctor and make sure I am not getting an ear infection. I haven't had one of those since college. If I recall, they are not fun and are actually quite painful.
I have Bible Study on Thursday nights, but I figured I should go home and rest to ensure that I get well sooner. Sitting in my car is not what I had pictured, but I'm not exerting myself terribly. It will be nice to get home and chill. I was so happy to take a shower this morning. That is the one thing I hate about being sick is feeling gross and dirty. I don't think I could live without indoor plumbing. I am very spoiled. :)
I didn't work quite a full day today (6 hours). I am seriously trying to figure out what kind of realistic boundaries I can make so that I don't get burned out. It is a challenge. I didn't expect this much pressure with this job. However, if I don't make some parameters now, I will burn out very quickly.
Well, this is definately a rambling blog. Isn't that what this is here for? Tee Hee.

Home Sick

Well, here I am in bed, sick. It's a bummer, because I was supposed to go to this training today and it is really good. Plus, I was supposed to have a karaoke night with some of my consumers tonight. However, I also think it is a good thing. Things have been crazy in my life with work and I think I needed a break. No phone, no crises or fires to put out. That's what my job feels like right now, I am more of a firefighter and crisis fixer. I was talking with my friend, Dawn, after our training session yesterday, and I told her one of the reasons I became a counselor was to help fix things for people. The problem? I can't fix everything and yet, I feel a huge sense of failure and inadequacy if I don't fix it. I feel a great deal of pressure to make some one's problems go away. Who do I think I am, God? Uh, no. The trainer yesterday spoke of how we can get a god complex. He's right. I believe I have to fix it; I have to make it better; I have to end the suffering. The reality is that my power is limited and we live in a fallen world where suffering is not always avoidable. I cannot fix everything. So, why do I still feel great anxiety when I can't? That is my dilemma. Perhaps, being sick has allowed me the time to reflect rather than continuing to survive and bulldoze my way through each day. I wish I could have been sick on another day rather than today, but it will all work out. My body is tired from the stress it has endured the last couple of weeks and continues to deal with (although at a lower level - Praise the Lord for that blessing).
Well, I have had my fill for writing right now. I am tired and need to sleep some more.

Summation of My Day

In one sentence, "The only predictable thing in life is that life is unpredictable."

Just For Fun - A to Z

[A] - AVAILABLE: YES!

[B] - BIRTHDAY: November 10

[C] - CRUSHING? I have no idea what this means!

[D] - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Coca-cola

[E] - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Barb, Dawn, Lyndsey

[F] - FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP/BAND: I don't really have a favorite. I guess it would be Jars of Clay at the moment.

[G] - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS: Bears (this is a silly one)

[H] - HOMETOWN: Holton, KS

[I] - INSTRUMENT(s): Flute and Piccolo

[J] - JUICE- Cranberry

[K] - KILLED SOMEONE: No

[L] - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Holton, KS to somewhere near Bemidji, MN

[M] - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate

[N] - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3 sisters

[O] - ONE WISH: To Love God above all other things

[P] - PERSON WHO CALLED YOU LAST: Lorna, the RN I work with

[Q] - QUESTION YOU'LL ASK GOD WHEN YOU DIE: No questions, just praise.

[R] - REASONS TO SMILE: Jesus Christ

[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Hide by Joy Williams

[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 7:45 am

[U] - UNDERWEAR: Today, light green

[V] - VEGETABLE(S): Asparagus, Okra, Tomato (I know, it's technically a fruit), Broccoli, Corn, Carrots, Potato, Brussel Sprouts (yes, I like them), spinich, greens, cucumbers, the list can go on

[W] - WORST HABIT: gritting or clicking my teeth

[X] - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: teeth, bladder

[Y] - YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL(s): CATS!!!!!

[Z] - ZODIAC SIGN: Scorpion

Sometimes I Want A Cave

Sometimes, I would like to retreat into a cave and leave the world behind. I have had an incredibly stressful two days. Besides the normal running around and huge amounts of paperwork, I had to deal with a couple of difficult situations. Why do things always seem to go wrong when I already feel overloaded? I had a training this week, which was good, but it created more work for me when I returned. YUCK!
Tonight, I am going to go karaoke with some of my consumers. It should be fun and a nice change of pace from the stresses some of my other consumers elicit from me. Tomorrow, I have private clients and then I hang out with my friend, Lyndsey. We are going to eat at this Italian restaurant in Loveland, called Monaco's. It should be fun. Sunday, I get to hang with my friend, Barb. Then, it's back to the old grind. I still like my job, I just wish it wasn't so overwhelming at times. I wish I had a better handle on things. I wish I had a better rhythm set up.

Another One, So Soon?

It is amazing, I know, 2 blogs in one week after such long lapses the past few months. Sometimes, I wonder if it is worth writing this. I mean, I mainly do this for my friends and family to keep up to date with my life, but I'm not sure anyone really reads it much anymore. I am feeling rather pitiful right now. I really want to go to sleep, but my stomach is having an acid reflux attack and I can't lay down or it will get worse. I have nothing to take, since I am away from home and in a hotel room. I have to get up in the morning and I am feeling extremely grumpy. I don't like it when I have plans for sleep and it gets interrupted. It makes me rather unbearable to be around.
The training I went today was good. Our trainer is very engaging and I am learning a lot. Sometimes, I get frustrated with the people at my table because they seem to make things harder than they are. I then have to check myself because I am getting prideful and judgmental.
I am ready to go home. I want my bed and my cats with the smells of my home. I am really very pathetic when I feel bad. I really shouldn't be writing right now, I am too negative. Perhaps later.

A Brief Trip

I can't believe how much time passes between my blogs. I guess I haven't been in the blogging mood lately. Right now, I am taking a break from packing. I am going to a three day training in Denver. I have mixed feelings. I am such a homebody, that I really hate being away from home. At the same time, I am also looking forward to going for a change of pace. I also get to hang out with Dawn for the three days, which will be awesome. It has been hectic packing. Yesterday, I was working on laundry, including giving all of my bedding a thorough wash. I was exhausted by last night, crawled into my freshly laundered bed, and my feet hit cold and wet. My cat had decided to pee all over my bed!!!! I was so ticked! I had to strip my bed and wash the whole thing all over again. I had to spray down my mattress with Petzyme and Febreeze and put the fan on it. Finally, I got to sleep on the couch last night. It took me forever to get my bed stuff all taken care of and I still had to finish laundry for my trip. The last load is drying now, but it means I have to skip my Sunday night church group. Oh well. I have to shut my kitties out of my room now. Agape does not do well when I am gone from home (hence the peeing). I feel bad, because my room is the most comforting place, but at the same time, I really don't want to come home to more messes on my bed and I'd like to not get a new mattress.
Right now, the little stinker is reclining on my legs. Do you think he is trying to say, "You are staying here and not going anywhere!" The hardest part of taking any trip for me is packing and then leaving. I get all uptight and emotional and dread the whole trip. I wish I didn't have to go. However, once I'm on the road for about 30 minutes to a hour, I am fine.
Well, I better finish my laundry and packing.

A New Entry...FINALLY!

I know, I know, I haven't written since the beginning of February. I have been so busy with my new job and I haven't felt like writing. No more late nights for me! By the time it hits 11:00 pm, I am almost passed out. I still struggle getting up in the morning, though. I have been working my other job too, but that is slowly fading out. Last week, I didn't have any private clients after work and it was so nice!
I am really enjoying my new job. It has been a little crazy making at times, but overall, I really like what I am doing.
I have other things going on in my life, but since this is a public blog, it is best not to mention them here. The people that need to know these things, know them, that is what is important.
I have my young professionals group tonight. It is called Insight and right now we are starting a series about men and women. It should be really interesting and fun.
I don't have a lot to say, but I figured I would blog somethings since it has been so long. :)

Because Lyndsey said I would

Well, since my friend Lyndsey said I would be one to fill this out, I guess I better do it. :) LOL
These are always entertaining.

because it's been a while...
Two Names You Go By Besides Your First Name:
1. JennBo
2. Sissy (my sister, Tammy calls me this)

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now:
1. Green jammies
2. Underwear (thankfully!)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship:
1. Christ-centered
2. love

Two of Your Favorite Things To Do:
1. read
2. play on my laptop

Two Things You Want Very Badly At The Moment:
1. my sore throat to go away and to be healthy
2. certain people in my life to get their head screwed on straight

Two Names Of Pets You Had/Have:
1. Agape
2. Dante


Two People Who Will Fill This Out:
1. Lyndsey (because she already did)
2. Not very many people read my blog, so I'm unsure if anyone else will. Maybe my sister, Kim.

Two Things You Did Last Night:
1. laundry
2. worked my second job

Two People That Live In Your House:
1. me
2. Erin

Two Things You Ate Today:
1. salad
2. chicken pot pie

Two People You Talked To Last:
1. My Marmee
2. Dawn

Two Things You're Doing Tomorrow:
1. Working
2. Laundry

Two Longest Car Rides:
1. Colorado to Kansas
2. Pueblo to Fort Collins during a blizzard

Two Favorite Holidays:
1. Christmas
2. Thanksgiving

Two Favorite Beverages:
1. Coke
2. Izzi Sparkling Grapefruit Juice

Two Longest Relationships:
1. As in romantic? 3 months
2. Another romantic? Oy vay! Oh yeah, in 6th grade - 9 months. That's sad, my longest realtionship was when I was 12!!!! YIKES!

New Pictures

Here are new pictures of David. I think he is just precious.

I think this is a beautiful and sweet picture!

Doesn't the new mommy look like she has tasted heaven?

Daddy's already reading to his little boy!

Sweet Dreams Little Prince!

A New Chapter

I felt it appropriate to blog on the eve of my new job. WOW! I can't believe I'm going back to working 40+ hours a week. It will go down to 40 hours once I finish with all my social services clients. I can imagine I will be pretty tired this week, since I haven't worked a 40 hour work week in a year and a half. I am comforted by the fact that I will have a steady paycheck and benefits to boot.
This new job should prove interesting and challenging, but not so challenging as to stress me out too much. It will be a mixture of management and working with individuals and families. I know there will be bumps (what job doesn't have bumps), but right now it will be a refreshing break from the normal therapy routine.
I will blog more after I start my new job. Please pray for me if you feel led.

To Be A Woman...

What does it mean to be a woman? I don't think it is the way our culture has taught us. I think our culture has denied us our femininity and we suffer for it today. Even our churches don't teach us what it means to be a woman or a man. We learn many good things at church, but do we learn how God intended us to be when he created us?

I have been very fortunate to be in a class at my church that details Biblical womanhood. It has taught me so much about how God made me and what his desire is for me as a woman. It has created a desire in me to learn more about who I am as a woman and a Christian. My friend, Barb, is passionate about this area and I have greatly appreciated her wisdom and resources that have taught me about this area of my life.

I would love to hear what some of you think. How do you see your womanhood in light of God? Do you think there are some things that make you different from men? Are there some things that women should or should not do? What is your attitude towards men and the role God gives them? What roles do you fulfill as a woman and what roles do men fulfill? Should there be differences? I am really interested in hearing what you think, so please post comments. I will then create a new post detailing what I have learned, but first I want to hear from you!

I look forward to getting your comments.

Book Reading Binge, Again!

Well, I am doing it again, I am reading more than one book at a time. Actually, it is normal for me to read at least 2 books, one fiction and one non-fiction, at a time, but I am beyond that now. Right now, I have 6 books sitting on my reading table, one on the bed with me, and then I have my 5 Aspects Bible Study on top of that. I am insane! What is crazier is that I have read from each book, except two, in this past week. Did I mention I am insane? You would think I was back in school if you saw all my books. These are the books I am reading right now:

Those Same Sweet Girls by Cassandra King
For Women Only by Shaunti Feldhahn
For Men Only by Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn
Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
The Safest Place on Earth by Larry Crabb (I've finished reading, but I'm doing the study questions now)
Devotional Classics by Richard Foster and Bryan Smith
The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg
Five Aspects of a Woman by Barbara Mouser


What can I say, I love to read.


On another note, it snowed again today. I should be going to a church group tonight, but I don't want to get out on the roads again, plus, I am feeling kind of tired and unsociable (is unsociable a word?). This snowy weather has been crazy. The roads barely have time to get clear and dry and it snows again. I don't mind it too much. A lot of other people are tired of the snow. I just don't like to drive in it.


I have a job interview tomorrow!!! I am excited and nervous. If I get the job, it would mean working 40 hours again and sleeping during hours when most of the world sleeps (rather than bedtime at 2 in the morning). I would miss the free time I have, too. However, it would be steady and consistent income along with benefits, which I really need. It would be nice to go to the doctor without fear of it making my bank account sick.

Well, I am out of words for the moment. I am really tired and may lay down for a bit to see if it will charge me up. Naps are great!

Welcome Baby David

Hooray! My friends, Daniel and Iwona had their baby boy, David, on Januray 11. Mom and baby are doing well. Praise God! Here are some pictures of him. I think he is too adorable. Congrats Daniel and Iwona, you guys will do great as parents! I love you!

New Baby On The Way!!!

I'm so excited. I got an email tonight telling me that one of my best friends, Iwona, was on her way to the hospital to have her baby! This will be she and Daniel's first baby and it is a boy. The last I talked with her, they hadn't picked out a name, but as soon as I hear it, I will post it. I was getting ready to go to bed when I decided to check my email. Now I am so excited, I don't know if I can get to sleep.

She and Daniel live in Poland and are doing youth missions there. It is about 9:30 am there and Daniel sent the email out a little before 5:00 am saying they were headed to the hospital. I'm trying to keep still instead of bouncing up and down on the bed from the excitement. This is awesome.

To learn more about Daniel and Iwona and their ministry, feel free to go to their website at www.eifling.net. Here is a picture of my wonderful friends.

It's Been Over a Month!!!

Wow! I can't believe I haven't blogged for over a month. I completely skipped over Christmas on this blog and now it's 2007! Craziness!
Well, here is the low down on what I have been up to. Since I last blogged, I had a major blow-up with some of the people that hire me for independent contract work and with some people I used to work with at the mental health center. This was ugly. I was ugly. I had a great deal of anger, resentment, and bitterness towards several people. I remember looking at myself and seeing how black and sinful I could be. YUCK! I am still struggling some with what happened and needing constant divine help in dealing with it. I think, had I not called on God, things would be much uglier and I would be extremely ugly on the inside. I am still working on forgiveness. This situation has made me awe at how God forgives us. I know it is hard for me and yet he was willing to die for me so that I could experience His forgiveness. WOW! It is overwhelming. And because it is overwhelming, I know that if God can forgive me, I need to forgive them. It's just really tough. I think I am doing alright and then, WHAM, something happens and I realize I am still holding resentment and bitterness. This situation took up the better part of the first part of December.
Another thing that happened was I didn't have my computer for a week. My power source died and I had to wait for a new part. I didn't realize how much time I spent on my computer until I was without it. I about went stir crazy. I still had online shopping to do for the holidays and email is one of my communication lifelines.
After I got the new part, I had to leave for my nephew's wedding in Nebraska. Okay, so that was somewhat weird. Here is my nephew and he is getting married before I am. We're only 10 years apart, but it still seems wrong somehow. Hopefully, he waits to start having kids and I beat him on that one. If I have a great nephew or niece before I have children of my own, I think I might cry. His wedding was great. His wife (that's weird to say), Stacie, seems like a wonderful person. I am very happy for him and I'm looking forward to when I get a chance to get to know Stacie better.
After his wedding, I went down to Kansas to spend a few days with my family. Well, a few days turned into a week! A blizzard hit Colorado and Western Kansas and I was "snowed out" of Colorado. I couldn't go back until December 23. The whole time I was there, I didn't have Internet access on my computer and their computer is dial-up and takes forever to work, so I opted out of blogging then. Also, I got sick the night before the wedding and was sick the whole time I was in Kansas. It was great getting to see my sisters and nieces while I was back. I have missed my family and I need to try and get back sooner (it was 2 1/2 years since I had been back to visit). I do have to say, my time there was relaxing, since I didn't really go anywhere, but I was certainly ready to get back home. My cats were freaking out with me being gone so long. Agape developed a very nasty habit. He ended up peeing and pooping all over my bed, peeing in my clothes hamper, and peeing on one of the cats chairs. I have to now close my bedroom off anytime I leave the house for fear he will "act out" again. He also acts like he wants to go in the hamper or in my clothes basket, so I get to escort him, on occasion, to his litter box. Once there, he goes to the bathroom fine. It is rather annoying. I feel sorry for him though. I lost quite a bit of wait while I was gone. I could feel his rib cage. The poor thing was just really distressed with Mommy being gone for more than 2 days.
When I got home from Kansas, I had more adventures waiting for me. I made it back to Colorado fine. I stopped off at PetsMart (I bought presents for the bubbies since I was gone so long) and at the grocery store. I made it to my neighborhood and got stuck in snow when I almost had the car in the garage. It took myself, Erin, and the neighbor, and hour and a half to get my car unstuck and in the garage. I think I moved about 500 pounds of snow. I hurt for three days afterwards. I'm so thankful for our neighbor, Kurt, because I would have never gotten unstuck if he hadn't come to help. When I got in the house I discovered that Agape had peed on my bed twice and it had soaked into the mattress. I had to start unpacking and doing laundry. I started with my bedding as it was covered in cat urine. I had to spray down my mattress with special cleaner and allow it to dry before flipping the mattress over for a urine free side of the bed. As I was doing laundry, I went into our basement and noticed that one of the pipes had a small leak. AHHHHH! This was not the homecoming I was anticipating.
The next two days were Christmas Eve and Christmas and I was busy getting the house clean and going over to my aunt and uncle's house. My uncle had to come and get me and Erin because our cars would have never made it up their street. It hadn't been plowed at all and there were huge ruts and other hazardous road conditions. He has a 4 wheel drive Jeep and was able to make the trips. The day after Christmas, I crashed and slept most of the day, then it was back to work. I finally got my car out on Wednesday (a week after the blizzard hit) and then on Thursday night, we got another storm. All pathways that had been cleared were now filled with snow again! It was crazy! Now, it is snowing again and there is a snow and blowing snow advisory out for tonight and tomorrow. We are supposed to get another 4-8 inches. They still haven't gotten everything cleared off from the last 2 storms and here comes round 3. I wonder if it is going to be like this all winter. I think, so far, Loveland has gotten around 3 to 3 1/2 feet of snow in a two week time period. I know the city is working really hard at getting the snow removed, but there is so much, it is hard to keep up with (plus, it keeps snowing). School was supposed to start back up again yesterday and they cancelled it for the rest of the week because a lot of sidewalks are still impassable and kids would have to walk in the street. Obviously, this is not safe for the children. The high school went back today, but that is all. We'll see if they cancel school in the morning or not.
Well that is the low down and some of the obstacles on why I haven't blogged for so long and what has been going on for me over this past month. On another note, I have applied for a full-time job that is with a faith based organization. I am hoping to get a call soon about a possible interview.
I think that is it for now. I will write before another month passes again.\
Happy New Year!!!