Being Feminine

I have this book I borrowed from a friend and while downloading something on my computer I picked it up and started reading it. Bear in mind, I am already reading two other books. As I read a few pages, I found it hard to put the book down, even though my eyes are really tired, as well as, my brain. There were several sections that tugged at my heart. I have been very emotional this week and I am tired, but the tears that started to fill my eyes weren't about reading something emotional combined with the prior. Instead, it hit me at my core and made me revisit something that I often try to shove deep inside and ignore. The book is called Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy. Here is the first passage:

"A seed of doubt had entered my mind - maybe the dream of becoming a beautiful princess and being cherished by a noble prince was simply not possible for someone like me. Maybe it only happened for girls like Snow White and Malibu Barbie. Maybe men would always see me as ugly and undesirable. Maybe I am not pretty enough, talented enough, or vivacious enough. Maybe in order to be found attractive...I needed to change."

I'll admit it, I am a hopeless romantic at heart. When I think of being in a relationship with a man, I want a prince charming. I want to brave knight who will love me, have eyes only for me, and protect me. It is something I have always wanted and yet, it seems like a dream. It doesn't seem possible. I'm not one who attracts guys easily. Most guys see me as a sister type. There is nothing wrong with that. I can support these men and lift them up by playing the role of sister to them. But, there is still this void. I want a lifelong companion. Since, I can't find this somebody, does that mean there is something wrong with me? The logical and rational part of my brain states that is nonsense. But something deeper in my being weeps, because I feel like I am not "enough" for anyone. "I need to change". This has been echoed by so many people in my life. People whom I trust, love and value their opinions often give me advice such as: I am too "picky", I don't "flirt enough" or worse, I am a "bad flirt". They also say, I need to become more "approachable", I need to put myself "out there more", and I need to "lower my standards". In essence, don't listen to your gut instinct (which is almost always right by the way) and do things contrary to that. I'm just being uptight. Why then, whenever I have moved contrary to my gut, it ends in disaster? But, here I am, alone. I'm not getting any younger and the reality of that has been affecting me more and more. When people use to ask me, "Are you seeing anyone?", I was more annoyed then hurt. Now, it creates an ache that I quickly try to dismiss by letting people think I am perfectly fine with my singleness and I don't need a man. Which brings me to the second quote I want to share.

"We live in a world that seeks to destroy all that is princess-like and feminine within us. From a very young age, our world mocks any longing for tender romance or true love that might linger in our heart. Our culture tells us that instead of dreaming about giving our heart to some mythical knight in shining armor, we would be far wiser to spend our time looking out for ourselves."

Why does our culture degrade women for wanting to be feminine? How does being feminine make us weaker? That's what the feminists want us to believe. I used to consider myself a feminist. I bought into the lie that I can do anything a man can do. In essence, I believed there is nothing unique and special in a man. If there is nothing unique and special, then why do little girls dream of prince charming? I don't understand why it is so awful to want to find a "good man". That is ultimately, what prince charming is about, finding a "good man". By telling our little girls to stop seeking him, do we not set them up to compromise? Do we not make our men less accountable when we tell little girls that the knight in shining armor is a myth. By holding up a higher standard, our men are forced to be the strong and noble people God created them to be. Our feminist culture has told me there is nothing unique about you and you have nothing to offer us as women. Well, guess what, we've brought them up to offer us nothing unique and that our hearts really aren't important. Women then turn around and complain about men. Our culture holds a double standard. Women don't need men, but then we complain because they don't live up to our expectations. They don't fit that prince charming template that our culture has suppressed, but is still alive deep within us.

I get so frustrated with the relationship between men and women, Neither of us knows how to handle the other. To be honest, I don't think we know how to handle our own sex, much less relate to the opposite sex. We have made relationships 100 times more complicated then it probably should be. We live in a culture where commitment means nothing. God meant marriage to be a reflection of his relationship with his creation, humans. By breaking commitment at every juncture we are unhappy, what are we saying about God's commitment towards us? Once again, men and women are adulterers in their relationship with God. Our lack of commitment is yet further evidence of how incredibly corrupt and sinful we are and how far we have fallen from God.

I know this has truly been a stream of consciousness. It may not make sense to anybody but me, but I don't necessarily write this blog to provide clarity to others. This is more an opportunity to write my feelings and thoughts down and to send it out to someone. Keeping a journal is one thing, but blogging makes it feel like I have released my thoughts rather than locking them away. I'm not very good at conveying what I feel to many people (a have less then a handful I can really express my heart to) and blogging allows me to communicate to a larger audience at a safe distance.

I'm rambling, I know I am rambling. I will stop for now.