Don't Let Them Learn

Oxford University Press removes words associated with Christianity from children�s dictionary - Tom Gross - The Media Blog on National Review Online

What in the world? What is happening in this world? We are now willing to delete words out a child's vocabulary?! Never mind that these words are still culturally significant. Hmmm.... do you think some of these words might come in handy while studying history? Knowing how to define voicemail is more important then defining empire? Do you have to keep the dictionary at 10,000 words? Is that why they are deleting some words? Language does evolve and change and some words are replaced with other words. But they're replaced by words that have a similar meeting, rather then wiping them out of existence. If I ever become a mother, the public school system is not touching my child's education.

What Lessons Are We Teaching?

FOXNews.com - In Lean Economic Times, Toy Advertising Under Fire - Local News News Articles National News US News


I was shocked at the toy factories attitude towards a statement made by some parents . "The message: Please, in these days of economic angst, cut back on marketing your products directly to our children." Toy companies stated that children need to be marketed to so they can express their preferences. I find this rather ludicrous. First, if you take a child into a toy story, they don't need a commercial to help them pick out what they want. Second, if you know your child well, you can pick out things that will excite them and probably utilize more of their imaginations then most modern toys stimulate.

I also was shocked at the parents who felt they were incapable of not getting their children what they want for Christmas. In essence, they can't say no. They can't teach their children the evils of materialism. Here is what one person said in the article.

"Parents have trouble saying no," said Allison Pugh, a University of Virginia sociology professor. She says parents often buy toys to avoid guilt and ensure their children feel in sync with school classmates.
"Even under circumstances of dire financial straits, that's the last thing parents give up," said Pugh. "They'll contain their own buying for themselves before they'll make their child feel different at school."

The toy industry is banking on this. Does this strike anyone else as being exploitative? Not only that, does anyone see the lack of teaching to children on restraint, money management, and that being different is not a bad thing. Are we teaching all of our children that sameness is something to aspire to? Are we teaching them that we have to keep up with the Jones'? Are we failing to teach them about solid morals and that is how we make all of our other decisions? What about extending charity to others or encouraging creativity and imagination? If all our children are obsessed with is having what every other child has, who are they going to grow up into?

Word of the Day

I have been hearing the term fascism thrown about very liberally in the media. Conservatives use it for liberals and liberals use it for conservatives. I was starting to get confused, so I decided to educate myself and look the cute little word up. :) Here it is for you to use in the future in it's correct context. Happy wordsmithing!

From Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

1. Political philosophy, movement, or regime that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentations, and forcible suppression of opposition
2. a tendency toward or actual exercise of strong autocratic or dictatorial control

Brrrrr.....

It is incredibly cold out tonight! Winter is visiting us with even a dash of snow on the ground this morning. It's all gone now, but it was there (Promise, I wouldn't lie to you). It probably wouldn't be as bad if the wind wasn't blowing. I haven't blogged for a week for several reasons and the cold outside isn't one of them. Two days after I got my flu shot, I started to get the flu. By the time Monday rolled around, I was running a fever, had chills, and aches. What was worse, it was my birthday. :( I still went to work and went to my birthday party, but I paid for it the next two days. On top of that, the state came to audit our program in Fort Collins on Tuesday and Wednesday. I missed most of the audit except for a few hours. Thankfully, my co-worker and area director were able to handle almost everything. The other big thanks came when my review at the end was positive with few deficiencies. Today is the first day I have felt normal again (well, I still feel pretty tired, but otherwise normal). I have now been fever free for over 40 hours. Yeah! By the way, I still had a very nice birthday despite being sick. :)

Interesting Thought

I found this comment from a man who posted a comment on another man's blog. The orginal blog was discussing a video of a teacher belittling the students (at most, 12 years old) if they liked McCain. If you are interested in it, here is the link: http://tundratabloid.blogspot.com/2008/11/swedish-documentary-shows-ashville.html

However, that's not what this blog is about. I read this man's comment and wanted to repost it, with his name attached. I found it interesting and thought provoking.


Dave B Says: Found at http://www.papamiket.com/?p=12918
When I was in college in the late 70’s I had a black professor that taught a class on racism and colonization. He was a brilliant man and had lived through some bad times for blacks. He taught us that the oppressed will inevitably take on the characteristics of their oppressors and actually become more oppressive when given the opportunity. He warned the class (mixed blacks and whites)that it would be important for our generation to be wary of what he called “black social programs” and he referred to the college black radio station, black only scholarships, quotas, and similar things after one generation because to continue them was racist in and of itself because it re-iterated a concept called “thingification” (reducing enslaved persons to things, less than human, or perpetuating the concept that the enslaved or oppressed had inferior human ability hence they were inferior humans.) He warned that it would neccesarily lead to a reduced self image of those persons to the point where they would expect to be “taken care of” by their previous oppressors leading to their reliance on them thus perpetuating their own “thingification” and acceptance of lesser standards for themselves. He, as a black man, warned us all that to allow racially identifiable programs to continue would ultimately acheive the exact opposite of what “good intentioned people” wanted to achieve and blacks would enslave themselves with these notions, there would be “house n****rs” (HIS TERM) that would request the handouts for the slaves and “slave traders” (HIS TERM) that would reap the benefits from the situation and perpetuate it (I’m assuming he was talking about guys like Jackson, Wright, etc.) I always knew the man was brilliant but I’ve watched it play out exactly like he taught every day since.

Whether For Or Against

Now that a couple of days have passed since the election, I have had time to get over my disappointment and think about what happens next. Whether or not I like Obama is now irrelevant. He is going to be our President and as a result, I owe him respect. I have wrestled with my feelings over what is right. My feelings bristle at the thought of respecting Obama, but what is right to do is respect him because the public has chosen him. I finally started to come to a peace when I realized that liking Obama and respecting him do not go hand in hand. Also, I need to give him the benefit of the doubt and hope I am wrong, wrong, wrong about my perceptions of this man. I don’t think his plan will work and I think it will be extremely detrimental to this country. However, once in office, he may see the reality of the situation and change or alter his plans to be more centrist. If I don’t approve with his policies, if I think he is making bad choices, I can speak my mind. Also, if he is making good choices and building this country up, I will praise him. I didn’t like Clinton either, but he did do some great things as President (he also made a lot of bad decisions – and I’m not talking about his personal life which a whole different story). I sincerely hope that positive things happen with Obama.

I do think that we, as Americans, need to revisit history and get to know our constitution. I have been recently exhorted to do this and I think I am ready to take up the challenge. If I understand our constitution and history, I will have a more valid voice to speak out truth. If people ignore me, I can at least walk away knowing that I learned what I can, I spoke the truth, and I will continue to pursue the truth.

A Very Patriotic Little Girl

Doesn't Mira look adorable in her red, white, and blue?

My cousin, Lindsay, took this on Election Day.

Cute Babies Celebrating Halloween

Aren't they the cutest! Here's Austen as the "Love Bug", Mira as the "Sea Monster", and Jackson as a "Polar Bear". I hope they bring as big a smile to your face as they have mine.

Disappointment

I am disappointed by the outcome Americans have chosen for the next President of the United States, along with many of the other choices for other candidates and issues. I feel like all we have done is listen to our feelings rather then the facts. I feel all we have done is been swayed by pretty and manipulative words. We shall see what the next 4 years bring, but I do not think it will be anything like what has been promised or what was imagined. If nothing else, the upcoming change in government will bring me to my knees on a more regular basis, and that isn't a bad thing. I pray we will have a new rebirth in the near future where we will be a nation based on what our founders intended.

God has assured me that he is always with me and his church. I think, as a church, we have compromised the name of God and we will be held to account. There may be great testing ahead, but we need to keep focused on God. We must trust him, no matter what trials and even persecutions happen. We must have hope in him. If we lose hope, we lose our love and devotion to God.

Ten Reasons Why it is Wrong to Take the Life of Unborn Children :: Desiring God Christian Resource Library

I really like this article by John Piper. I think there have been many critics of pro-life movements based on their arguments regarding what they see as contradictions in the English texts of the Bible. John Piper actually goes into the Hebrew and Greek words which are more specific about these texts, which eliminates the critics complaints. This article also deals with whether taking an innocent human life is wrong rather then whether an embryo/fetus/baby is indeed human. It is assuming that people already assume the child is human, but still commit abortions based on sociological reasons. It's an interesting read.


Ten Reasons Why it is Wrong to Take the Life of Unborn Children :: Desiring God Christian Resource Library

Interesting Article

I discovered this article regarding the Denver Archbishop's recent discussion on a book he wrote and the challenges of balancing our faith with politics. The book has nothing to do with the current political race and deals more with faith and politics in general. While his talk in Denver does address, briefly, the current political race, he does so as a person of faith and a private citizen. In essence, he's taking the principles from his book and applying it to the current political process. He also talks about a book that disagrees with some of his views, which I think is noble of him. This book deals directly with the current political drama, but it outlines principles much as the Archbishop's book outlines principles. I was most impressed with the Archbishop's 4 points he discusses are the premise with his book. While I am not Catholic, I believe that my Catholic brothers and sisters have much to teach me about Christ. I am very interested in his book now and hope I can purchase it in the near future.

ZENIT - Denver Archbishop's Address to ENDOW

Going Back on His Word

I can't believe I was prepared to vote for this man. I don't know how to trust him given his record for changing his mind and reneging on promises. God protect America.

Newsmax.com � McCain Slams Obama for Breaking Donation Vow

Here I Go Again!

I know, I know, I'm going off on the political deep end again. I was looking up information on Obama's infomercial and found a list of article that contracdict his rhetoric. I don't know how I can trust this man when he is constantly changing his strategy or he has not clue as to the plausibility of his plans. Yes, this is on McCain's website, but the sources sited are from some very liberal sources, so I tend to take these things a little more seriously. If the liberal left is willing to raise criticism, it's worth paying attention to.


JohnMcCain.com - McCain-Palin 2008

Hilarious Picture

This bear looks like he is waiting to be served dinner. :)

Declaration of Independence

This was a powerful You Tube video that made me reflect on this great country and thank God for our founding fathers. Enjoy.

Growing Up Fast

I have some recent photos of Austen and Jackson that I took this past week. I can' t believe they are both 6 months old now! They are growing up soooo fast. They are beautiful and such happy babies. Enjoys these cuties.

Austen

Jackson

Trusting God

I sit here, late at night and my heart feels heavy. My heart is heavy because there are people in my life who are going through some really tough times right now. I am praying for them and I am assured that God hears my prayers, because he told me in his word that he always hears me. I pray against anger, envy, spite, malice, and other sins for some people and grace and comfort for others. I pray there is a happy resolution to all of these problems. Anything is possible with God and he can soften hearts. He still allows us to have free will, though, and we can ignore God’s call to get rid of a hard heart.

Today, I was reading in Exodus, and reflecting on why God hardened the heart of Pharaoh. It took me a bit, but then it hit me. He wanted to make sure that his people understood that God was in complete control. If God was not in complete control, the Israelites could have boasted that they did it all in their power. God wanted them to understand that he was the great “I AM” so they would follow him and trust him. Unfortunately, with all the great miracles and victories God brought them, they still forgot his holiness and great power. They forgot that he loved them passionately enough to bring them out of slavery and make them his people. He made a solemn promise to them that they would be his people and he would be their God.

How much we are like the Israelites from the Exodus! How many answered prayers, moments of comfort, and yes, even miracles, has God given us, but we still doubt him and his plan for us. I am struggling over that now. I know God is good. I know he loves me and the people I am praying for in a way that is beyond imagination. Yet, I am still afraid. Afraid that he will not answer to how I think the situation should end; afraid of the pain that the people I love will have to wrestle with and overcome.

I have found that my prayer life has been more fervent lately. In a way, I feel like God is trying to teach me that my prayers do matter. Typically, I think it doesn’t make much difference. What is my prayer going to do to change God’s mind or be a catalyst for change? I see God showing me signs that my prayers matter. He is showing me that when I pray with urgency and faith, He shows up. He hasn’t guaranteed me that my prayers will be answered as I see fit. He has guaranteed me that he is in control and the people I love and pray for, he loves more than I can ever do. He has promised his children that no matter what, He will always be there. No matter how sin affects us or what calamities befall an imperfect world (that we created – not God) HE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE. He loved us enough to die for us so that we weren’t separated from him for eternity. What kind of God dies for a species that scorns him, spits in his face, and tells him to leave them alone? I don’t understand this love. I don’t understand how Jesus could love those who hurt him, that he could ask God to forgive them while they were killing him. How can I doubt a God who loves me this much? Even in my doubt, I feel him with me and telling me it will be okay. It’s okay to struggle, as long I struggle with him and not against him. Everything I feel, he wants me to bring to him. He wants me to lean on him and let him carry the load. The old catch phrase that God doesn’t give us more then we can handle can be used glibly. I think a better phrase is that God will help us carry what we don’t feel we can handle.

I keep thinking of a song by Barlow Girl whose chorus I know well but not the rest of the lyrics. The song is titled ‘Psalm 73 (My God’s Enough)’. I keep singing the chorus, so I decided to look it up in my Bible. In my Bible, I already highlighted the section that matches the song. It’s just another reminder to me that spending time in God’s word on a daily and consistent basis is critical to helping me continue to live life the way God wants me to. The chorus by Barlow Girl says, “My God’s enough for me, this world has nothing on me”. This is what the Psalm 73: 23-26 reads:

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

For my loved ones who are struggling, hold onto these verses. May we all hold onto these verses. Nothing on this earth can compare to God’s love for us. Even if we stumble, if we grow faint, discouraged, or we are wounded, God is our strength and he says, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” (Joshua 1:5b).

Lord Jesus, may we rest in you. Take our hearts, our lives, and keep them safe. Surround us with your love and comfort. Help us with those that would bring pain into our life, not just by overcoming barriers in relationships, but by helping us point them to you. Create in us a clean heart and renew a right spirit within us so that we may focus on you and trust you to take care of us (Psalm 51:11). Your love overwhelms us and we are humbled, but also emboldened to show that love to others. Amen.

Abortion

Dear Christian Brothers and Sisters,
Please listen to Professor Robert George discuss Obama's views on abortion. He is a professor of jurisprudence at Princeton. You can also read his article regarding this on the link below the audio link.

CitizenLink: Dr. Dobson Highlights Obama's Abortion Extremism

Public Discourse - Obama's Abortion Extremism, by Robert George

WAKE UP, AMERICA!!!!!

Do you understand what Obama is supporting here? This is socialism, at best. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines socialism as "1) any of various economic and political theories advocating collective or governmental ownership and administration of the means of production and distribution of goods...2) a system or condition of society in which the means of production are owned and controlled by the state...3)a stage of society in Marxist theory transitional between capitalism and communism and distinguished by unequal distribution of good and pay according to work done."


At worst, it is a form of communism. Again, the Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines communism as "1) a theory of advocating elimination of private property...2) a system in which goods are owned in common and are available to all as needed".


Karl Marx, a proponent and advocate of communism states, "From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs." Barak Obama states, "It's not that I want to punish your success, I just want to make sure that everybody who is behind you that they've got a chance at success,too. I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody." Obama believes that everyone has a chance at success if you re-distribute wealth. WHOA, NELLIE! How is giving me more money if I am poor going to help me be successful? Who's to say I won't blow it on frivolous things, rather then investing it in something more worthwhile or towards a long term goal. How is it that money and success are synonymous? If Obama is so interested in redistributing wealth and helping other people be successful, how is it that he can blow 2 million dollars on a victory party (and the arrogance to assume he has already won)? Wouldn't it be better if he gave it away to the poor? How many meals would that provide to the homeless? What types of research could be done on 2 million dollars? Why not give that money to some of the people who might lose their homes? Oh, yeah, because he has a choice on how he wants to spend his money and who he gives it to and he's choosing to throw a 2 million dollar party. How presumptuous of me to think he should spend his money that he earned based on my standards. With his new tax plan, he and his friends in Congress will get to determine where the money goes? Not the people, the government. If we are going to have taxes to help those in need, the people should have a voice in how that money is spent.


Please, don't tell me you can't see the similarities in definitions listed above to Barak Obama's quote. Is this really what you want for our country? Do you really want government to control everything. Our country was built on the principal of hard work and a small federal government versus a large government. Read the constitution! You can find it on http://www.usconstitution.net/const.html. Listen to Biden's response to a reporter's questions regarding some of the more politically negative charges against Obama and if his beliefs are indeed Marxist.

Biden outright lies in some parts. For instance, he states that ACORN has not benefited financially from Obama's campaign. Okay, they didn't get the $800,000 check to help get out the vote. They got the $800,000 to help with staging and lighting. Did you know they did that kind of work? I thought they were all about helping the community by increasing votes and finding ways for the poor to have more in regards to public assistance and obtain their own homes? Hmmm. Oh yes, Biden also said that Bush and McCain gave tax cuts to the wealthy. Do you notice that's all we hear about, that there were tax cuts to the wealthy. Do they explain how those tax cuts affect the economy, thus benefiting everyone? Also, they made a tax cut that was across the board. If the wealthy got more money back , it's because they make more money. The middle class got more then the poor. So, does that make us evil, too. Taxes are to be equitable. No one should be forced to pay more or less based on income or what they do or do not do for a living. Biden states that he and Obama are going to help the middle class. Have you looked at their economy plan? I can't make out how their plan could help me at all.

As I listen to the news, I feel an overwhelming sense of fear. What has our country come to and where are we going? Not only are we creating a bigger financial mess, we are looking to elect a government that believes they have the answers rather then the people. Bigger government is NOT the answer!!!!!! It will only sink us into the mire faster. We are the United States of America, or so I thought! With all the partisanship and lack of representing the people in Congress, are we really that united? We continue to become more and more fractured. Guess what everyone? We are the ones that are suffering. Congress will still continue to get their cushy salary and we will be the ones cleaning up the mess they thought was the right answer for the American people. The only way I can combat this fear is to remember that God is bigger then any government, bigger then any media, and bigger then any planet. Suffering may happen, we live in a sinful world, but there is one bigger then the world we can turn to and have hope for a better life to come (either here or in heaven).

Please, please, hear me on the following. Neither presidential candidate is going to get us out of this mess. We have to choose one though. I want you to look back and remember all the lessons you read about socialism and communism and remember why we said these were bad practices. I want you to go back and read the constitution and think about why our founders wrote the Constitution they way they did. Do you really think taxing the rich and giving that money to people who only pay Social Security tax, or no tax at all is going to help us? Do you think that having a universal health care plan will help us? Do you think printing more money is going to help us? We are all called to make some tough decisions in this economic time. We all have to cut back! Taxing the upper class will not get us out of debt. Taxing the upper class will affect our corporations and more taxes could drive them to set up shop in cheaper countries. This means lay offs and greater unemployment and less people to pay that extra tax. The extra taxes are going to be welfare checks to the lower class. We are still paying the same amount of tax! Those who don't pay taxes are still going to get money. We are reinforcing dependency on the government rather then fostering a positive work ethic. America is known for being a land of opportunity. How are these tax cuts indicative of opportunity. It won't matter if you work hard and climb the ladder. It doesn't matter if you start a small business and it thrives. Those who don't work hard will still get money and yours will be taken away! Where is the motivation to become better if we are dependent on the government? How is Obama going to fund these so called reforms and get us out of debt? We are in an economic crisis! On top of that, his election will spur on an international crisis. If you think we are losing money on the war in Iraq, what's going to happen if we get attacked again. Do you think the government has the resources and money to get us out? The people need to remember that we are the ones who have the voice and the politicians do what we tell them. They work for us! If you agree with Obama's "change and hope" through veiled socialism, then by all means, vote for him. If you don't like McCain, there are 14 other candidates outside the democratic and republican parties that you can choose from. This doesn't have to be either or, but you do need to vote!!

Please also realize that the so called Democratic party (which currently, I am ashamed to be associated with them) will try to bring the 'Fairness Doctrine" into effect. Do you know what that is? You would be convicted of crimes if you spoke against certain groups or practices. If your morality was against a certain practice (i.e. abortion, homosexuality, promiscuity, etc.) you could be prosecuted by law. Goodbye, free speech! So what, if you don't agree with that person. The whole idea of free speech was that we could voice our own opinions without fear of retribution by the government.

I love many of you who will read this blog. I know I am rubbing against the grain in talking about Obama like this. I can't be silent! I am scared that once we go down this path away from democracy and the republic the constitution called us to be, we will never recover. We will never be a great nation again. We will only sub exist with every other country in the world. Don't try to blame the next president on the state of our country, if it isn't what you thought. We voted for that President and gave him the power to control us. If you don't want outright socialism, them vote for someone other then Obama (that doesn't mean you have to vote for McCain). If you can't hear the reality of the words coming out of Obama's mouth, I don't know what to tell you. There is no reason to think that he will not push a socialist agenda. Quit listening to sound bites with pretty words in them. RESEARCH, RESEARCH, RESEARCH. Don't let the mainstream media give you their view. Look at all views! If you don't you are not making an informed decision. I can't tell any of you how to vote and I don't need to know how you vote. How you vote won't change my relationship with the people I care about. I am just asking you to really stop and think about one candidate's views on government and decide if you agree with that view or not. Thank you.

Dark Humor re: Obama's Tax Plans

Why I’m Choosing McCain over Obama

Why I’m Choosing McCain over Obama…

I am a registered Democrat. Granted, I am an extremely conservative Democrat, but none the less still a Democrat. I have been affiliated with both major political parties. I chose to become a Democrat again after seeing a lack of funding for people with mental health issues, Medicaid, and with my recent work in developmental disabilities. However, I am still for smaller government and believe that government should only fund programs for those that are really unable to support his or herself (through no fault of their own).

When the primaries were gearing up, I was all about Barak Obama. I wasn’t interested in the Republican primaries, since I had no influence in them anyway. When it was between Obama and Hillary Clinton, I was very pro-Obama and anti-Hillary. I felt Obama would bring freshness to the White House and I had too many negative feelings about the Clinton era to feel supportive of Hillary. While Obama didn’t agree with everything I supported, I liked the ideas he listed on his website. I figured I would stick with Obama and vote for him as the next president if he won the primary.

Well, he did win the primary. While I felt confident about him, I still took the time to research what McCain had planned for our nation and how it compared to Obama. To tell you the truth, I didn’t initially see too much of a difference outside of the pro-life/pro-choice argument and taxes. Now, I was torn. The pro-life/pro-choice issue is very important to me. I am very pro-life. I feel that if someone decides to terminate a pregnancy simply because it is an inconvenience, she’s not ready, or it was unplanned is a cop out. Whatever happened to personal responsibility and natural consequences for our actions? If you want to sleep around or have unprotected sex, you have to realize the risks and accept the consequences for those actions. I also believe that a human life begins the moment a new DNA code is created. Now, some people will say I shouldn’t vote on an election based on one issue. That is a valid argument to bring forth. I probably could have overlooked the abortion issue if it wasn’t for a couple of influences (some theological discussions with trusted friends and later discovering Obama’s extreme beliefs around abortion, including partial birth up to full term pregnancy). These influences, none the less, had yet to swing me completely away from Obama. They merely made me think more carefully about how I was going to vote. I was no longer sold on whether Obama would be the best and very torn regarding voting that is based on my values and worldviews rather then the issues.

Then, as I started to listen to commentaries and read more about each political party’s beliefs, I started pulling further and further away from Obama. My biggest issue with Obama is the revelation that he is on the extreme left. Remember, I am a very conservative Democrat. When he talks about the economy and taxes, I detect a socialist philosophy. I hear him deny associations with people in his recent past who have very strong socialist/communist/anarchists opinions. Yes, some will say this was in the past and is not current. Who is to say that he didn’t distance himself from these people for the duration of the political race? Who is to say he won’t go back associating with them? Now, just because you are friendly with someone doesn’t mean that you think the way they do. I realize that and try to give Obama the benefit of the doubt. If it was just the Ayers issue, I might overlook it and say people are overreacting. There are too many other negative players though. On top of that, he has tried to distance himself or deny involvement with these groups and individuals when there is documented evidence that he has been heavily involved with them. Again, if it was only one group, I would most likely shrug it off, but it is a pattern of multiple associations and Obama trying to sweep it under the rug. In short, he has been evasive on associations with certain people and providing certain documentation. I can’t trust someone to lead me who is already this evasive. I have also started to detect a greater level of arrogance on his part. Granted, politicians usually have a certain level of arrogance to them, but what I detect from Obama is over the standard par. I have seen a charming man on video and he can be very charismatic and pull a person into his dialogue and beliefs easily. Charm can be very deceptive. Some of the greatest and most evil of people know how to use charm (I do not think Obama is evil). The point is that charm means nothing. Words mean nothing. We now have to measure a man by his actions and Obama’s are not stacking up too well. I am also considering his choice of running mate and I do NOT like Joe Biden. He runs at the mouth too much and is the most arrogant of the bunch running for Pres/VP. He misquotes, he gives false information (he doesn’t know the facts which is pretty bad for a man who has been in the Senate so long). I find his character the most suspect of any because his arrogance is so blatant. I have yet to see any level of humility out of either of these men.

Now, some people think McCain is no better. He has been accused of arrogance and his ideas “scary”. I don’t agree with all his ideas and policies, but they are less scary than some of Obama’s ideas and policies. Yes, he can appear arrogant, but his appears to be a little toned down to Obama (he doesn’t use religious/spiritual language to describe himself and his influence on people). Some people are scared of McCain dying and Sarah Palin becoming President. Personally, I’d be more scared of Biden as President over McCain, Palin, or Obama. Sarah is no nonsense and what you see is what you get. I don’t feel like she is feeding a bunch of lies or stories to people.

Why do I like McCain? He talks about America with pride and determination that holds up the typical American Dream. He doesn’t bow down to the relativistic culture the rest of the western world has bought into. I like McCain’s stance on the economy better, albeit, a still flawed plan, but better then Obama’s. McCain is very pro-life. McCain is not about tucking his tail between his legs and slinking off to lick his wounds. I don’t like the war, but if we win this (as we are close to doing) at least our troops can feel like it was not in vain. If we bring them home without a finish, what message are we sending to them about their sacrifice and the sacrifice of their friends who died? I don’t think the war should have happened like it did, but it happened and now we have an obligation to finish it. I like McCain’s school of choice plan and think it makes logical sense. I like McCain’s ideas of how we are going to become more energy independent and be responsible to our environment while doing this. I feel wary of his ideas around his solutions with illegal immigration. Sarah Palin will be an advocate for those who have developmental disabilities, an issue that is near and dear to my heart. She is a strong advocate for energy independence, the sanctity of life, and family values. She’s also not afraid to confront the corruption that has seeped into the political arena (she has a record of it). Is she ready to step in as President? No, I don’t think so, but I feel she has the intelligence and brass to grab the bull by the horns and work her tail off for this country.

I feel uncertain and concerned about both parties ideas for health care. I do not want a system like Canada. There are so many flaws and the quality of health care is mediocre, at best. I feel we need to ensure that those who are unable to work do have health care (children, the elderly, disabled). I think we need to make health care (not just insurance) less expensive. I do want to see money distributed to where money is needed most. Get rid of earmarks! If you want something, don’t attach it to a bill or some other item to get it. It should be able to stand on its own merits. There are programs out there that could be funded privately that the government is dumping millions of dollars into every year. Cut them out! Obama’s plan for more spending and creating bigger government doesn’t set well with me. I really don’t see how we are going to get out of debt with either party. I only see a slowing down of the debt with McCain and a potential increase in debt with Obama. I’m no financial expert though, so I could be wrong.

Here are the issues I’ve collected from both candidates’ web sites and whose plans on each I prefer. I’ve gathered my information on these issues from a variety of sources, including the candidates’ websites. I have marked a - - for plans I abhor and cannot support at all. A – means the plan doesn’t set well with me. A + means that the plan is okay; I’m not thrilled with it, but I could live with it. A + + means I am on board and ready to raise the banner for their plan. A -/+ means there are components of the plan that I really like and parts that I oppose. A ? means that there wasn’t a lot of information available on that particular topic for me to make a decision or the information was so limited I couldn’t make an informed decision.

Civil Rights~ Obama: -/+ McCain: ?
Defense~ Obama:- McCain:+
Disabilities~ Obama:+ McCain:+
Economy~ Obama:- - McCain:-/+
Education~ Obama:- McCain:+ +
Energy~ Obama:- McCain:+ +
Environment~ Obama:? McCain:+
Ethics~ Obama:? McCain:+
Family~ Obama:-/+ McCain:+
Fiscal~ Obama:- McCain:-/+
Foreign Policy~ Obama:- McCain:+
Healthcare~ Obama:- - McCain:-
Homeland Security~ Obama:+ McCain:+
Immigration~ Obama:-/+ McCain:-/+
Iraq~ Obama:- McCain:+
Poverty~ Obama:-/+ McCain:?
Rural/Agriculture~ Obama:+ McCain:+
Service~ Obama:- McCain:+
Seniors/Social Security~ Obama:-/+ McCain:?
Technology/Space Program~ Obama:-/+ McCain:+
Taxes~ Obama:- McCain:+
Urban Policy~ Obama:- McCain:?
Veterans~ Obama:+ + McCain:+ +
Border Security~ Obama:-/+ McCain:-/+
Human Dignity and Life~ Obama:- - McCain:+ +
2nd Amendment~ Obama:- - McCain:+
Homeownership~ Obama:- McCain:+
Fighting Crime~ Obama:? McCain:+ +


In a nutshell, here are my concerns that drove me away from Obama.

Cons on Obama

• Ties with ACORN (I also have other issues with ACORN that aren’t related to Obama)
• Connection to subprime loan issues and lack of response two years ago
• Connections to people like Ayers/Wright
• Evasive/Vague about certain questions and policies
• Socialist Mindset
• Bigger Government Mindset
• Lots of Money being poured into government and people not taxed equally
• In addition, everything Obama wants to do involves spending and with the economy the way it is, he won't be able to follow through on his grand schemes
• Disparities between record, public conversations, and written agendas
• Arrogant Self Absorbed Statements about self (both Obama and Biden)
• Meeting with enemies of USA without preconditions
• Fear will pass policies which will censor some people’s moral/ethical beliefs and criminalize these beliefs
• Radically pro-choice
• Running mate makes so many gaffes, it’s scary to think of him as a potential president should anything happen to Obama – he’s a detriment to Obama
• Bad history with gun rights/right to protect self from immediate harm
• Extremely partisan
  

To be fair, here are some of the things I like about Obama

Pros on Obama

• Charismatic and likable
• Strong veteran’s proposals
• Has some interesting and innovative ideas (they aren’t well articulated, but the basic ideas of some things are nice)
• Committed to helping the poor
• Is very peace driven
  

I may as well list some of my concerns about McCain, too, although there are significantly fewer issues on my list

Cons on McCain

• Not sure realistic about economic situation
• Don’t like healthcare plan because it still feels somewhat government run and still has some socialist flavors to it
  

Here are the things I like about him or his policies

Pros on McCain

• Very pro-life
• Very invested in the security and safety of this country and will stand firm and not appease dictators in a vain effort to secure a non existent peace with them
• First Republican I know who has really spoken about being a good steward of the environment
• Love his ideas on workplace flexibility, veterans, and cheap/clean energy
• A lot of bi-partisan efforts documented
• Tried to deal with subprime loans 2 years ago
• Strong family values (practices what he preaches with the sanctity of life - along with Palin)
• Palin is brassy, strong, refreshing, and committed – an asset, not a detriment
  

Well, this turned out to be quite the paper. It’s a bit long for a blog. Oh, well. If you have any questions about my sources, please feel free to comment back to me. I’d be happy to share it with you.

Whatever happens on November 4th, I need to remember that God is always in control and He will always be my King. No President or other ruler of the world can take my allegiance away from Him. No matter what happens, God is in complete control and I must remember to trust Him, even when it seems bleak and hopeless.

Happy Voting!

Upcoming New Movie - The Birth of Freedom

Slick Politics, Sticky Issues, and Who's Responsible

I'm not much for blogging on the current political climate, but I am appalled at the consistent coverage regarding Biden's master ability at sounding like he knows what he is talking about, when he really doesn't. Granted, Sarah Palin may not be well versed in certain political areas, but it is obvious to the normal lay person. Biden is the true used car salesman politician. He's all mouth and sounds like he knows what he is talking about, but in reality he is just as clueless as Palin. Unfortunately, he tells lies about things that the average American wouldn't be able to tell were true or not, because we are ignorant to the fine details of politics and we just injest what the media tells us rather then investigating the facts. Unless you are a politician or very into politics, you wouldn't know Biden is making grievous errors because he talks so well. What is scary to me is this is a man who has been in Washington for many, many years. Palin is still relatively new to the political rat race, but shouldn't Biden be up to speed on almost everything. Alas, it's because he has been in Washington for so long and Palin is still somewhat of a newbie, that people assume he is telling the truth. He isn't and unless we really look and investigate what the candidates are saying and try to find out the truth ourselves through research, we will make a decision in November based on how someone presents. This way of making a choice is not good logic.

I will admit, I was all about Obama during the primaries and I was prepared to vote for him as the next president. But as I do my research, I find that this man whom I once admired is now someone I feel very wary about. Granted, McCain/Palin have many shortfalls, too. I continue to read about both parties. No candidate is going to be perfect. No candidate holds all the answers. However, when I see such slick maneuvers as pulled by Biden, mixed with Obama's views on abortion, I don't feel entirely safe with them running the executive branch of our government. I will continue to read their views on their web pages and continue to mull over the issues. I hate voting based on a single issue, but if a man promotes such a culture of death through abortion on demand, partial birth abortion, and letting babies surviving from botched abortions die, how is he going to promote life in the US. How is a man who confesses to be a Christian allow such an extreme level of carnage. The abortion issue is sensitive to me for several reasons. First, my mom's doctor told her, when she was pregnant with me, that she has enough kids and should terminate me. Would the absence of my life impact the life of those around me positively or negatively? Second, even if I didn't believe life starts when a new DNA pattern is formed and therefore that life is valuable and precious, a partial birth abortion and abandoning babies born after botched abortions would still be revolting. These babies are still viable. How is that not murder? Is it just because one woman decides it's an inconvenience for her to actually have the baby and deal with adoption that it makes it okay to kill a viable child? How can I potentially vote for a man who promotes this level of killing. There are many things I like about Obama, but I can't ignore that he promotes a culture of death through abortion. I can't ignore that he thinks government can fix all our woes, when in reality, it can't. In regards to other issues, I think both have feasible plans that might work. No one knows perfectly how a candidate is going to work out. Who we think will be a great leader turns out to be rotten and the ones we thought wouldn't cut it turn out to be great leaders. Sometimes, politics is a crap shoot. Obama's idealism and hope is contagious and may be what wins him this race. Words are only words and the real test is what happens when it is time to be a leader. I wish we as a nation would take the time to review the issues and base our decisions based on what the candidates support rather then their charisma and public speaking abilities.

I think many people are erroneous to put so much blame on our current president. I don't agree with everything George Bush does and I think he has made some huge errors in judgement, but he isn't god and can't control everything. We have three government branches that share much of the responsibility for our current cultural and economic climate. If we are hurting as a nation, it is a shared responsibility between all the political parties and we as a people. We need to quit blaming Washington for all the failures in our country and take a look at ourselves. What can we do as individuals to help deal with the problems and afflictions we now have to deal with? Can we, as a nation, stop relying on government to fix everything and stop blaming them for everything that is broken. We are products of our culture, refusing to take responsibility where appropriate and pointing fingers at someone else. I do it, too. Everyone does and we will continue to spiral downwards until we take responsibility for how our choices affect our nation. No matter who wins this election, people need to realize that the president cannot fix all our woes. Congress cannot fix all our woes. We need to stand up and do our best to fix what we can. We need to press forward and do our part, making it easier for our representatives to do their part.

Well, what turned out to be a comment on articles I have read about Biden turned out to be much more. Thanks for allowing me to express my views.


Biden, the master gasbag - Los Angeles Times

Obama's Abortion Views: http://article.nationalreview.com/?q=OGM5YzIzYTExNjIyZmExODY0MzQyZDUxNmRmNmU1NmM#more

Tight

Well, here I am again, feeling unsettled about work. I am trying not to be bitter or angry about what happened on Monday, but I find myself feeling resentful and spiteful. I think those fall under bitter and angry, don't you? I am asking myself how much longer I can take this. I have a knot in my stomach and a tightness in my chest. I am back to square one where I feel like people are just waiting for me to screw up. I feel like everything I say might be used against me and I'm not sure who to trust. I feel like I am being sold out. What my perception is doesn't matter. Only the almighty CCB (I realize many of you don't know what that is, but it doesn't matter - it just needs a name) matters. It doesn't matter if they are being unethical. It doesn't matter if I am telling the truth. It doesn't matter whether I have been carrying to heavy of a load for almost 2 years. I think that is what makes me resentful. It's as though I don't exist except for when I screw up. It doesn't matter what I accomplish - only my deficits are noticed. It seems so futile, which is why I ponder if I can handle this.

I'm not sure what God is trying to teach me in all this. I'm obviously not getting the message. I don't want to be bitter or resentful. I don't want to have an ugly spirit in all of this, but that is what I feel like right now. I feel ugly. I feel tainted. I don't want this God! I really felt like I was starting to get things under control at the office and this happens. Now, I feel like I am caught in a whirlwind again. SIGH.

I am somewhat dreading tomorrow. I am dreading the fact that my office is in chaos because of the remodel and everything is scattered. I am dreading spending my time cleaning that up before I can attend to other parts of my job. I am dreading the constant interruptions when I am at the office. I miss seeing people when I work at home, but I get so much done here. Like this afternoon, I felt like I really accomplished things. I was supposed to have a meeting, but the provider cancelled because she felt unwell. I came home and worked for a solid three hours! I got so many little things done and it felt like a load off my chest.

Well, whatever I feel, I guess I have to keep plugging away and trying to do my best. With God's help, somehow I will get through this. I have to focus on him and not everyone else. Perhaps that is the key to killing the bitterness and resentment. I need to fix my eyes on Jesus and not look to the right or left.

Torn

It's days like today that I wish I could crawl in a hole and hide from the world. YUCK! I'm so tired of playing politics with another organization related to my job that I want to yell, "I QUIT!" Then I stop and think about the people I work with and how they have touched me and I have touched them. I can't yell quit when I think of them. They are so near and dear to my heart and they teach me so much about life and moving forward despite the current running against me. I know God has placed me in these lives for a reason and I know I am fulfilling his purposes when I strive to help them have a "normal" life. The people I work with who have developmental disabilities and the providers and families that support them are the reason I do this job.

I am tired of the power plays the other organization puts up and I have issues with kissing their back ends solely to feed their egos and make them feel like a god. I am tired of them picking on my company because we are Christ-centered rather then power centered. So often, when I am over there, they aren't about the people. I don't even know why they are there and what their purpose is. Do they like the idea of controlling other people's lives? Are they about maintaining a perception of being good and wonderful? Do they really care about these people? Are they willing to hold the same microscope to themselves that they mercilessly shove everyone else under? My perception doesn't answer these questions positively. They are hypocrites in the worst sense. Some people do hypocritical things, but they are hypocrites at the core of their being. They are pharisees. They are white washed gravestones disguised to hide the rotting flesh that lies beneath them. They are hurting others and not helping. I know there are rules and regulations that must be abided by, but when you take the people out of the equation, what is the point of the rules and regs. There is none. They are pointless and bothersome. They are merely used to dictate and rule others rather then to help.

I was told today that I am the reason relations between our company and this organization are not going well. I was told to jump for them with the exclusion of asking. "How High?". I was told that it didn't matter if I was doing my job, because they decided to manipulate the truth. It doesn't matter if they don't follow the same rules they expect of others. They have no accountability. They can bend the rules all they want and let things slide with their own people. They can even resort to abuse and not be called on it! What is wrong with this picture! They are arrogant, conceited, and shameless. Sooner or later, they will be held accountable to someone, and when that happens, who will they hide behind and what will their excuses be? They will ring hollow. The most unfortunate part of this is not that I feel wounded, but that there are people who need their help that they are hurting.

A friend of mine told me today that we need to pray for them. We need to ask God that they will no longer serve as friends of the enemy. I pray for humility. I don't pray for humiliation or humility so that I can feel justified. That would not be a God honoring prayer. I do pray that their hearts would be heavy with their sin, their conceit, and that they would turn to God in repentance and He would be glorified and bring about restoration. They need prayer in order to turn back to or for the first time to God. Then, when they get a BIG PICTURE, they can serve God and these beautiful people he has entrusted us to help care for. Without prayer, their hearts will be turned over to their own craving for sin and they will only continue to harm others rather then help.

God, help me to not become embittered and cease praying for my enemies. It is only through your grace and love that their lives can be changed for the better of your kingdom.

Netflix: Born Into Brothels

Netflix: Born Into Brothels

I watched this documentary on Netflix last night. It was very powerful and moving for me. It deals with children whose mothers serve as prostitutes in the Red Light District of Calcutta, India. Many of these prostitutes are the result of human trafficking. They are sold by their families to be sexual slaves. If they rebel or try to escape, they can sometimes be punished by murder. Some of the girls in this documentary were dealing with the fact they may end up like their mothers. Either the mom's pimp gets a hold of them, or a family member sells them off to another trafficking place. Either way, these girls have a dismal future. I watched this as a result of a ministry my church is doing with women who are sexual slaves in India. While watching this film, I was struck by the youthfulness of these children despite their grim setting. I saw them given a gift by the photographer who did the documentary and applauded the photographer's attempts to try and help these children. This documentary also helped me realize just how spoiled and blessed I am. How I would love to go over and bring some of these children back here to live with me, if I could financially manage it. If you want to find out more about these children, I highly recommend this movie.

Concert

I know, it's been a while. I haven't felt like writing much. I just wanted to post some pictures from the concert I went to on Friday night, the 19th. It was the Million Voices Tour. The opening acts were Brooke Barrett-Smith and Jimmy Needham. The main act was Barlow girls. If you go to my space page (follow the link on the side), you can hear one of their songs and link to them via my friends page. You can also see all my pics from the concert by following my Picasa link on the side bar. Cheers!

Barlow Girl

Barlow Girl

Me getting my CD cover signed by Barlow Girl

Rain Down Blessings

Wow! The past 24 hours have been very rainy and cold. It almost feels like late September or early October. It only got into the 50's today. I had to finally break down and let my furnace run a little bit! I'm running my furnace in August?!!! This is crazy. I'm supposed to go to the New West Fest in Fort Collins this weekend, but the rain may change all that! At the very least, I am going to see my friends, John, Lyndsey, and Jackson and go to church with some other friends. They have been asking me to go to their church with them for several weeks, so I thought I would do that this weekend. They attend a Catholic Church, so hopefully, I won't get too lost and look too obvious when they do their liturgy.
I love the sound of the rain outside! I have a comfy sweatshirt on, cats lying on my legs, and the warmth and sanctity of my home. Life is good! I am blessed. I know I have been griping about things with work a lot lately. Things are still frustrating, but in moments like now and the thoughts of blessings on my mind, it is hard to be pessimistic or frustrated with work. I am thankful and will enjoy my weekend and not think about work. I will take time this week to invest in the things that remind me of how good life is at the moment. I have friends, babies, and family that make my life fuller every day.

Lucky

I am so lucky, no blessed, to have such amazing friends!!!! My friends' support gives me encouragement and support. It helps me take one more step forward when things are tough and discouraging. I am blessed that God gives me these angels in the flesh to help me through this journey. :)

Online Photo Album

Just an FYI...I am creating an extensive web album. You can look at it by visiting http://picasaweb.google.com/jennbo1972.

Perfection

Unfortunately, the title sounds cheerer then I feel. I feel less then perfect and actually very discouraged. Things at work are going badly and I feel like an utter failure at my job. I feel like I am viewed as incompetent and needing to find another job. I think I have done the best I can at my job given the work load, expectations, and poor communication about what my job entails. Unfortunately, none of that counts. It also doesn't count that I have done some really good things with my program. SIGH. It seems like they want perfection with unrealistic expectations. One of my bosses actually told me that he expected me to walk on water (half in jest I realize but not completely in jest). My response was I wasn't Jesus. Only Christ can attain this level of perfection.

Perhaps, I am the one who is unrealistic. Perhaps, I really am lousy at what I do. All I know is that my feet are dragging and I can barely go forward. I want to cry at the end of the day and dread getting up in the morning. I need a break and a long vacation. Although, the new person might show me up and really make me look bad. Ah, my pride is extremely wounded right now. That's never a good thing, because my pride isn't exactly God-honoring, only Me-honoring. I really need Jesus to hang onto me, because I certainly can't hold on anymore.

Lovin the Lassies and Laddies

This weekend I attended the 1st Annual Fort Collins Irish Festival. I had a great time and spent way too much money. I got to find out what county in Ireland my family is most commonly associated with, County Clare. I continue to enjoy learning about my Irish history. The music was great this weekend and I bought some fun things. I got a cute dress, a Celtic sarong, a ring, necklace, perfume, a County Clare sticker for my car, and some Irish music. I was contemplating skipping on the Estes Park Highlands Festival, but I may not be able to resist. I love hearing all of the Irish accents!
I also found out that there is going to be some sort of get together through the Clan Cian featuring my clan (O Hannon). In fact, the guy at the booth I went to said that if I found him at this event, he would introduce me to the "O Hannon". I have no idea what he is talking about. My guess would be that this is the head of the clan. The event is to take place in Highlands Ranch. I don't know if I will go. I already have a BBQ next weekend and an opportunity to hear Rita Davenport with Arbonne (down in Denver). I haven't decided if I am going to Denver or not. This is going to be an incredibly busy week. I finished up with the festival, but tomorrow I take two ladies in my program to Estes Park, Tuesday I go to Littleton for a meeting and then back up to Estes Park for a Mercy Me Concert. In addition, one of the individuals in my program is going with me and he is staying at my house that night, since he lives over an hour away from my house. I take him back Wednesday morning and then I go back up to Estes that night to hear Jaci Velasquez in concert. I am teaching a training class Thursday morning, going over for a new home visit Thursday afternoon and then collapsing. WHEW! This is going to be a whirlwind week.
Well, happy memories of the Irish Festival will hopefully keep me going. Most of this week is full of fun things, which is better then busy for mundane reasons. :)

Desert

Here I sit on my bed with crackers and wine. Not the healthiest of meals, I know, but I find my appetite lacking tonight, despite feeling a little hungry. I feel discouraged, anxious, and hopeless. Granted, I don't feel anything like I do when I am truly depressed and I am thankful for that. However, I still feel achy inside. I feel like I am alone in a desert. I lift of my voice in lament, but there is no one to listen, no one to comfort. I know I have plenty of people to listen to me and offer comfort, but right now, it seems like it wouldn't really soothe. I know there are people who love and value me. I know God loves and values me. Yet, I am shaken by the critical voices, the judges, and the finger pointers. They cloud my ability to see the people who love and embrace me. The negative voices tell me how much I have screwed up. They tell me that I am incompetent and insufficient. If they aren't telling me that, they are trying to take control of my life and take away my independence. I want to fight back and defend myself and my cause, but I feel helpless and weak. I feel like I will only hurt myself more and give them an advantage to gain further control of me. I feel like people I considered allies are to be mistrusted because they really do not have my best interests in mind. They try to find out things about me behind my back rather than coming to me and asking me directly what happened or how can we fix this to be better. Right now, I only trust one person at my work and that is the other coordinator at my office. Everyone else is a threat. I am working as hard as I can and doing my best with the little support I have at work. It feels like that is not good enough and I am expected to be superwoman. It feels like if I can't do everything, I am incompetent and need to be disciplined, despite the fact that I am doing more than what I should be required to do (my counterparts don't do the same job duties). I feel like someone is trying to take away essential parts of my job that I am proud of doing. Again, someone else is taking control. I want things to go back to how they were when my friend worked with me and she was the boss. She understood and gave support where she could. She didn't talk to me like I was a little child and she certainly never tried to take away my power and flexibility. I am happy where she is now and wouldn't want her to be at work. She is so blessed to be a full time mom! I love her so much! She is my encourager, exhorter, and champion. If you are reading this, thank you, sweetie.
I know I only seem to write when I am discouraged or depressed. I don't always write about the happy things in life. As a way to try and counter some of this and help me feel lifted up and encouraged, I am attaching some pictures that make me smile and remind me that I am blessed.

Dawn and Scott at Austen's Baptism

Me holding Austen

My precious Dante

My Sweet Agape

Where I would like to be right now.

Treading Water

It has been "one of those days". This is the kind of day you feel like you're in a great big ocean, no land in sight, and you are simply treading water. You hope someone comes to rescue you before the sharks start to circle. I find myself relishing in being alone, nurturing quiet and peace. If only the rest of the world would cooperate and leave me alone. This is the challenge of being on call for work and available 24/7 via cell phone. Otherwise, I would turn off my phone and shun the world right now. My nerves feel frazzled and I feel overwhelmed. I hate days where the only things I feel I accomplished were things that suddenly came up and meetings. I like the feeling of accomplishing scheduled tasks and get upset when I have to put those on the back burner to deal with last minute issues. If it wasn't for my new assistant program manager, I would be pulling my hair out because I can't get my job done. She is saving me in so many ways and I am extremely thankful for her.

I am frustrated with different things, most of them dealing with work. I am frustrated with our overseeing agency which seems to think that I have to hold to a standard they don't have to reciprocate. They get after me for not doing something, but they in turn do the same thing towards me. I am having particular issues with one individual who appears to have some issues with me. I don't' know for sure, but her tone and attitude towards me lately has been unpleasant and I feel like she treats me as though I am stupid. I feel I need to talk with her about this, but I haven't figured out the proper avenue. I have to gear up for confrontation. I hate confrontation for several reasons. First, I fear coming off as impolite, rude, or mean. Second, what I really want to say and express isn't appropriate, but I struggle with expressing my feelings appropriately and professionally. I don't want to be accusatory and yet in my heart, that is what I fear. When I feel I have to plan for confrontation, it usually means that I am pretty upset with the person and they have hit my buttons. This isn't confrontation towards a loved one who I want to encourage to make right decisions. This is confrontation because I am mad and I feel I have been disrespected, dishonored, (or someone I care about) or something unjust has happened. It's mostly the first two. This is what is going on with this one individual. It is what happened while I was a staff at camp a couple of weeks ago. Someone has made an attack on me personally and now I want to defend myself, preserve myself. instead, I fear I will say something that will make me look bad and I let people walk all over me. This only fuels the fire I feel inside and is not productive. It seems either want to confront aggressively or go passive (both modeled to me growing up). I can't seem to find that nice in between called assertiveness. This has been such a struggle for me throughout my life. I wish it were easier to confront. I would love to just say, "this is wrong, I don't like it, it needs to change". Instead, I freeze. I also fear that I won't be listened to and that will make me feel worse. I've had many instances in my life where I have tried to speak my voice or opinion and been silenced or ignored. That's just as bad, if not worse, then the incident that led to the confrontation.

The only good thing coming out of my water walk is it makes me more reliant on God's strength. All I really want is to feel him hold and comfort me. I just want to feel his presence and find peace in him. I really want my soul to find peace rather then this restless, uptight feeling I have experienced today. I want worry to go away, I want pressure to perform go away. I want to "be" and not "do". It's hard to "be" when you are treading water and looking out for sharks. You have to "do" to survive. It's sink or swim (or be eaten, but that probably qualifies as sinking). My spirit feels heavy and weighted down.

I really think it is time for vacation. I need to rest and free my mind from everyone else's problems and issues. I need to be Jenn and not just someone who fixes things, works at Good Shepherd, and takes care of people. I think I will need to put in my vacation time off form tomorrow. If it is in, I know I will have a chance to sit on land for a while and not just survive.

Summer Nights

It's been a while since I blogged last. I guess I haven't been in the blogging mood. I'm not much in the mood now, but I felt I needed to at least do a small blog as an update.

I have been keeping myself busy the last few weeks with different summer activities, especially in the evenings. I'm not used to being out and about. I am a homebody. This summer is different, because I have people to go with me to different activities. It makes such a difference to have people to hang out with and not just go solo. I know it is popular to tell unattached singles that they can do things by themselves, but it isn't nearly as fun or motivating to do that.

I have also had an onslaught of people mentioning that I need to get a boyfriend. Well, yes, that is a nice thought. However, meeting good solid Christian guys is not as easy as it may seem. One, there are only a few select places to find these kind of guys and I don't always feel like going or like to go into those avenues. Two, I have a very set idea on how men and women are supposed to relate and relationships get started. I don't think a woman should initiate in any relationship with a man. Why? I believe if a woman is the initiator, she sets up a pattern of passivity by the man. Why should he have to work at anything, if I do it for him? I want to be pursued, not pursue. I want a man who can be a leader rather than be led. I want a man who I know will fight for me and if I have to do the initiating, I don't think he will do that. I want that man to live the life God calls him to do. I know I need to make myself available and open for a man to approach. Saying "hello" or starting a generic conversation is not initiating. However, when it comes to a relationship continuing after that point, it is up to the guy. This doesn't make finding a guy easier, but I believe it is what God has called me to follow when it comes to dating. I know a lot of people in my life disagree with me, but this is how I choose to do the dating thing. I firmly believe that if God means for me to be married, He will provide me with opportunities where I will meet the right man. If God means for me to be single, then He means for me to be single. It isn't what I ultimately want, but who am I to argue with God's plan for my life? I know this isn't an excuse for being passive, but it is also a reminder that if I try to take control and find a person for myself, then the relationship will most likely be fraught with pain. If it isn't blessed and designed by God, I want no part in it.

Well, that was more than I planned on writing. I will stop for now, since my cat is making it difficult for me to type. Enjoy your summer evenings.

Sickly

It's nice to finally have my computer back! My hard drive crashed a couple of weeks ago and I just got it replaced and back in my hands on Friday. I had a lot of things backed up, but not everything. I lost all my baby pictures!!!!! I am very upset and distraught. SIGH! I am also having to reload a lot of programs on my computer, which is very time consuming.

I am supposed to go away to camp this week (as a staff member), but I got the stomach flu yesterday. I can't remember feeling that awful in a long time. I felt better this morning and thought, "Hey, I can get everything done and ready to leave by tomorrow!" Yeah - Right! I got a shower taken, that put me down for about a half hour. Then I had to run into work because there was an incident report that needed to be filed and I got lunch (thankfully, I can eat again!) and by the time I got back I was out for a couple of hours. Now, I just feel plain crummy and don't want to do anything. I don't know how I am going to get ready and even survive camp if I feel this way. My stomach isn't so much the issue as it is feeling completely wiped out. I feel kind of "woozie", if that's a word, right now, too. I feel stressed out right now, but if I push the ticket, I know it won't do me any good. I can only pray for the grace of God to help me get everything ready.

Mixed Feelings

While I had a productive day at work, there is still so much to be completed. I have mixed feelings about all the things happening in my life, both professionally and personally. I feel very discouraged when I look at my state of affairs and yet, I can' t help but praise God. Even though I feel discouraged with all other aspects of my life, I feel hope because I know he is with me and loves me. I don't deserve such love and grace! I look at my life and feel a certain level of disappointment with my present self. And yet, he looks at me with adoring eyes and a heart bursting with love and compassion. How can this be?! Why do you love me continuously, Lord, when I chase after other lovers to fill me up versus you? Why do you keep pursuing me as though I am a priceless treasure? How do you see value when I sometimes think I should end up in the junk pile? These things are beyond my understanding. I am so thankful for them.

I wish they would override the level of anxiety I feel. My anxiety is my own doing, a result of poor choices that I must face consequences for in the near future. I feel trapped and all I want to do is escape. I want to be a different person. I can't change things as they stand now. I can only pray for wisdom and strength to do what I must do next. I feel crippled by fear, anxiety, and self-loathing. I don't feel strong enough to cope with everything that I must deal with now and tomorrow. I just want someone to come in and take care of me. I'm tired of being independent. So, I ask you God, how do I let you take care of me? How do I respond to you as though you were tangible and present with me? How do I completely trust you with the very fiber of who I am without fear that I will get hurt? I know I want you to fix it all, but that you also allow us to face the consequences of our own sin. I don't know how to be with you every second of every minute of every hour of my day. I want to, but it seems unattainable and so I try to fill up that emptiness inside with substitutes. The only thing that gives me hope at all is that you love me and are there, even if I can't touch you, smell you, see you. I am also thankful for the people you have put in my life that love me despite my flaws. They are a precious gift and they reflect a piece of you to me. Thank you for their presence in my life. You and they are my light that keeps me moving forward. So, even though things can be tough, I hurt, and I may feel discouraged, I have hope and joy in You and these dear people in my life.

More Babies and God's Blessings

I had great fun over Memorial Day, because I got to see my friends Dawn and Lyndsey and play with their little boys. I had so much fun being around them, their husbands and family, and of course, their baby boys. I hadn't seen Austen in about 2 weeks and it is amazing how much he has grown. It's been even longer since I saw Jackson and he keeps getting bigger, too. I am so thankful that both of my friends have time to be mom's and not worry about hurrying back to the workplace. This is such a treasured time and they do grow and change fast!

Being around them makes me long for a family of my own. It was so nice to hold them, help them to feel safe, and ease their crying. I don't know about poopy diapers, yet, but I suppose if they are my own child's, I wouldn't mind. I actually looked online at a potential online dating service. A part of me thinks I'm feeling really desperate. But, that is how Dawn met Scott and he is an amazing guy. Both Dawn and Lyndsey found amazing men to be their husbands. I hope I will have that blessing in my life (preferably sooner rather then later) someday.

Work continues to be challenging. I have experienced several anxiety attacks this week from feeling so overwhelmed. I would like to blame part of it on hormones. I feel more sane today, but we will see how long it lasts. Right now, I am in bed on the computer (obviously, if I am blogging) and my boys are taking naps. Agape is in the chair by the desk and Dante is laying next to me. I worked out in my garden this afternoon after I got home. I mowed the front lawn (YUCK!) and weeded (another YUCK!), but it makes everything look so pretty. It was really windy this afternoon and between the wind and sweat, I had to take a shower. Now I smell like Arbonne's Unwind, which if you've never smelled before, you are missing out. I've been enjoying cheese and crackers with wine, too. Overall, I feel this was a satisfactory day. I feel a sense of calm, which is always welcome.

Whenever I feel this good inside, I always think to thank God for his many blessings. I cherish these moments as they don't occur too often in life. It's so easy to get busy and caught up in things that I forget to thank God for the little things - things like a garden, my cats, a warm bed, a good glass of wine, and air conditioning when the wind makes it impossible for your allergies to stay under control. It's times like these that I think about all God has done for me and I am in awe. There is a song that Aaron Shust sings called "My Savior, My God" that puts life into perspective. He sings, "That He would leave His place on high. And come for sinful man to die". I am overwhelmed at the thought of a great prince, leaving his kingdom to sacrifice himself so that I too, can become a princess in that kingdom. There is nothing special about me that would make him want to share his kingdom with me, but he does it anyway. He does it because he loves me, even though I don't deserve it. WOW! God's love for me, for all of us, is so amazing and incomprehensible. We rarely love someone without strings attached. We often can't tolerate it when a person keeps wronging us again and again. We can only stand betrayal so many times before we wash out hands of a person. Yet, God takes us back time and time again and he keeps loving us, even though we betray him, we curse him, we flaunt other lovers in front of him. I don't get it, but I am thankful for it.

These are the rest of the lyrics to the song by Aaron Shust, "My Savior, My God"

I am not skilled to understand

What God has willed, what God has planned

I only know at His right hand

Stands one who is my Savior

I take Him at His word and deed

Christ died to save me; this I read

And in my heart I find a need

Of Him to be my savior

That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, so once did I

Before I knew my Savior

Chorus:

My Savior loves, My Savior lives

My Savior's always there for me

My God: He was, my God; He is

My God is always gonna be

My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be

Yes, living, dying, let me bring

My strength, my solace from this spring;

That He who lives to be my King

Once died to be my Savior

That He would leave His place on high

And come for sinful man to die

You count it strange, so once did I

Before I knew my Savior

Chorus:
My Savior loves, My Savior lives
My Savior's always there for me
My God: He was, my God; He is
My God is always gonna be
My Savior loves, My Savior lives

My Savior's always there for me

My God: He was, my God; He is

My God is always gonna be

Tomorrow

So, I have this meeting I am dreading tomorrow. It's a meeting about someone in my program at work. It took me a while to figure out why I get so mad every time I think about it. I finally figured it out. I feel like this meeting is merely a way to try and pacify me, like they really care about this person and want to make things better. I feel like I am going to go into this meeting, speak my opinion (and a trained professional opinion), and it will fall on deaf ears. I don't think they really plan on doing anything tomorrow and they will only allow a very unhealthy situation to persist in the life of this person I work with. I feel so powerless and helpless. I feel like it doesn't matter what I do to help, it won't make a difference. I HATE feeling powerless and helpless. I struggle with in a way that brings out the lion in me. I get very edgy, irritable, and am prone to fits of temper when I feel this way. If people really want to see me mad, this is the best way to make me feel. I hope and pray I don't lose it tomorrow. I hope and pray they can grasp the situation and not be "idiots" like I think they sometimes act.

Quiet Evening

I had quite the day today. I went out with one of the people serviced in my program and we played tennis. We had a good time, but I was absent minded and forgot the sunscreen. My arms got burned. They aren't too bad, but any burn isn't good for you. We then went out to lunch and talked politics and religious symbolism in movies. It was quiet lovely. When I got done, I made some phone calls and then headed out to Gulley's Gardening Center and bought some flowers. I got home and watered the yard, took a shower, and promptly fell asleep, despite my attempts at resisting.
My cat, Dante, is now trying to make it difficult for me to type by laying on my chest and left arm. However, I had both hands on the keyboard and I can still go at it. Oops! He got offended that I was paying more attention to typing then him. Sorry, Bubbie.
Oh, yes, I should tell you what flowers I bought today. I bought some yellow and white gazania's. These are really cool because they have purple around the center. I got three different colors of petunias, a Lantana, 2 things of violas for the front porch, some basil and dill, columbine seeds, moss rose seeds, and I think California poppy seeds. No, no, I'm not going to grow poppies and make opium! YAH! :)-
I was so tired tonight, I just watered them and let them be. I will plant them either tomorrow night or the next. I am so excited to see my flowers grow and bloom. My cacti are getting buds. Normally, I think they are a big nuisance. I would not have thought of putting them in my garden, but the previous owners put them there. However, when I first saw them bloom, I was blown away. The flowers are absolutely gorgeous. One has yellow flowers and the other pink. My red yarrow is about to start blooming and the yellow is already in full force. A lot of my succulents are also blooming. I will have to take some pictures and post them. My rock garden flowers are also blooming. My lavender has doubled in size and is developing flower buds. My columbine has multiple flowers on it. Oh, I just love it all.
I am seriously thinking of having a brunch at my house, outside, for my providers. We will see. I just want to have time on my porch and enjoy other people. At the very least, I should have my girlfriends and their adorable babies come over. I am also thinking of having a tea party. I love tea parties and things associated with tea. I promise not to make it too girlie, Dawn. :)
Well, I should check a few things for work, since I will be at a training in the morning and then a Good Shepherd Employee Recognition event in the afternoon. Both are in Denver. It should be fun, but it does make it difficult to get things done. Oh well, I will just enjoy what I can. If I constantly worry about how much I have to complete, I won't enjoy days like today and tomorrow.