Mixed Feelings

While I had a productive day at work, there is still so much to be completed. I have mixed feelings about all the things happening in my life, both professionally and personally. I feel very discouraged when I look at my state of affairs and yet, I can' t help but praise God. Even though I feel discouraged with all other aspects of my life, I feel hope because I know he is with me and loves me. I don't deserve such love and grace! I look at my life and feel a certain level of disappointment with my present self. And yet, he looks at me with adoring eyes and a heart bursting with love and compassion. How can this be?! Why do you love me continuously, Lord, when I chase after other lovers to fill me up versus you? Why do you keep pursuing me as though I am a priceless treasure? How do you see value when I sometimes think I should end up in the junk pile? These things are beyond my understanding. I am so thankful for them.

I wish they would override the level of anxiety I feel. My anxiety is my own doing, a result of poor choices that I must face consequences for in the near future. I feel trapped and all I want to do is escape. I want to be a different person. I can't change things as they stand now. I can only pray for wisdom and strength to do what I must do next. I feel crippled by fear, anxiety, and self-loathing. I don't feel strong enough to cope with everything that I must deal with now and tomorrow. I just want someone to come in and take care of me. I'm tired of being independent. So, I ask you God, how do I let you take care of me? How do I respond to you as though you were tangible and present with me? How do I completely trust you with the very fiber of who I am without fear that I will get hurt? I know I want you to fix it all, but that you also allow us to face the consequences of our own sin. I don't know how to be with you every second of every minute of every hour of my day. I want to, but it seems unattainable and so I try to fill up that emptiness inside with substitutes. The only thing that gives me hope at all is that you love me and are there, even if I can't touch you, smell you, see you. I am also thankful for the people you have put in my life that love me despite my flaws. They are a precious gift and they reflect a piece of you to me. Thank you for their presence in my life. You and they are my light that keeps me moving forward. So, even though things can be tough, I hurt, and I may feel discouraged, I have hope and joy in You and these dear people in my life.