I now realize that I have issues with super needy people. I hate it when people expect me to hold their hand for every little thing. I just want to scream, "Figure it out!" I don't, because it wouldn't help anyone and I would feel bad afterwards. Super needy people drain me and suck me dry. They prevent me from getting done what I need to get done. They are almost co-dependent on me. YUCK! This was the part of therapy that would burn me out so fast. I am not your savior! Good grief, get a grip. I think one of the reasons I don't tolerate this well is due to the fact that I have to figure it out without someone holding my hand. Sure, I have people in my life who speak wisdom to me, but it's usually done out of response to a situation I am in rather than me pestering them with a load of questions. What about this? How does this work? Can you check on that? OYE! I also don't call them multiple times a day with questions. While I like to have control (don't most people) I don't have to know everything or be in complete control of every situation. I have a person in my life right now who does all of these things. She is about to drive me crazy.
Then I have another person in my life who has greatly disappointed me. I knew she could be bitter and slightly vindictive, but I never imagined her to be this bitter and vindictive. She has to always do a one up. She has always had issues with her family, but I didn't foresee her engaging in this type of behavior as a professional. She goes out of her way to be unpleasant and then lies to me about her behavior. She thinks the world owes her and anyone who ticks her off, she is going to punish, even if it means hurting the people she does care about who surround her. She has put me in a tight spot and I do resent it. I tell her about appropriate behaviors and she nods her head and agrees with me, but then she turns around and does the opposite. Why? Because her pride can't handle it. She can't "turn the other cheek". What ticks me off most of all is she professes to be a loving Christian. Right now, her behavior is anything but Christian. I want to say certain things to her, but a part of me is afraid to be the next target on her list.
These two women are a central part of my stress level right now. I want to love them, to like them, to be friends with them, but their behavior repels me. I am at the point where I want nothing to do with either of them. That does grieve me. However, I am at the point where keeping a close connection with these women is toxic to me. I can' t control or change their behavior and personality. I am withdrawing from them, mostly out of self-preservation, but also with the thought that they need to figure this out. I am not going to keep swooping in to smooth things over. I can't do this. They can't see that their behavior takes time away from other people who need me just as much. They only see themselves and that really ticks me off. I know we are all selfish at different times. I know we all have our personal agendas. When our agenda is so important that we don't think or care how it impacts those around us, what does that say about our character?
Whenever I write about the things that frustrate me, I always feel like I have to hold a mirror up to my face and see if I am guilty of the same thing. I don't think I am guilty of the same behaviors and attitudes of the two women mentioned above. But, do I become so selfish that I fail to see how I impact those I love? Does it impact the people I work with, go to church with, or talk with in casual conversation? I'm not sure. *SIGH* Sometimes, I wish I would stayed in biology and become an optometrist. At least I would be dealing with eyes more and less with the complexity of human relationships. But, NOOOO, I was fascinated by human relationships and wanted to see how they ticked. Guess, what, I still don't know, even after 2 degrees in the field. I don't think I ever will know. Sometimes, I want to quit and become a cosmologist (study of the universe for those who don't know).
Actually, what I want to do the most, I may never get a chance to do. I want to be a mom. I want to have a family. I want to home school my kids and have dinner ready for my husband when he gets home. I want to pour all of myself into my family. But alas, my family consists of two cats. I'm too tired from work to put myself out there. I am too emotionally drained to work at a new relationship. I am well into my mid-30's now and I feel my clock slowing down. I would love the experience of being pregnant, but I may not get the opportunity with my health issues on top of my age. I would be happy to adopt. I can't be a single parent. My personality deems that one thing must absorb me completely and I can't do a job and raise a child on my own. I would have to work extra hard to support myself and a child. That would take energy and time away from my child. I would be letting someone else raise her or him. Plus, I think it is important to have a mother and father in a family. If a single parent family can be avoided, I think it should be. Anyway, would I really be doing any child a favor by being gone half of the time just for the sake of saying I am a mom? Now that seems selfish.
God may still have a plan for me to become a wife and mother. I really don't know what He has planned. I do know I have to be content with what He has in mind for my life. He knows my heart and he knows my longing to have a family. He will help me fill that space somehow. I was listening to some sermons online earlier tonight and one of them talked about whether God was "big enough" in my life. At times, He is. Other times, He isn't. I would love it if I could surrender easily to Him. He is so great and powerful. Surrender isn't easy for me. Goodness, who is it easy for? Probably the people who have already struggled over the issue for years and finally figured it out, they are the only ones who deal with it better (although I am sure it is still hard to surrender, but not as hard).
Wow! I have been writing really long blogs lately. I guess I have a lot on my mind that I need to express. I don't know what it is about writing it down and sending it out into cyberspace that makes me feel better. It's almost as though I am releasing it and I don't feel like I am hanging and needing to express more. Does that make sense? Well, I should post now, before I find something else to talk about.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Pondering & Frustration
The past couple of days have been incredibly stressful and exhausting. I feel like I am working non-stop. Tonight, I can't seem to go anymore. I have more work I need to do, since I have a deadline by Friday, but I can't bring myself to do it. I am so tired, physically and mentally. The only thing that continues to keep me going is Jesus. Many times, I can visualize myself embracing Him and hiding in His arms. Lately, all I can imagine is that my head is against His chest, my arms hang limp at my sides and my knees are starting to buckle. His arms are holding onto me. I can't hold onto Him, I am too tired, too weak, but His strength will hold me up. Even now, if I see myself collapsing, unable to keep my head against his chest, I know that He will be holding me while I am on the floor, in the dirt, unable to move. He is there telling me He loves me and will not leave me. He will nurse me back to health. This is all I have right now. God has asked me if I can trust Him with my stress, my worry, my anxiety. I remember praying, "I know you can handle anything in my life. I don't know how to let go, though." It amazes me that He is so incredibly patient with my doubt.
Things continue to go towards the negative at work versus the positive. Through it all, I don’t hate my job. That is a miracle. I just want all this jumbled mess to be fixed and go away. I have so many issues with providers and families. Then, when I met with my boss, he told me I now have to learn my supervisor's job (billing mainly) in case they don't get someone hired to take her place before she leaves (she gets the joy of becoming a stay at home mom very soon). Now, some people might think, "what's the big deal?" Billing in her job is no easy task. It is lengthy, it is tough, and the people who are to give her the information she needs to complete the process, don't always cooperate. Since I already feel overloaded with my own issues and paperwork, this is more work to push me. I really do feel I am at a breaking point. It feels like something could snap inside me at any moment. I don't know what that would like. I have noticed feeling more depressed lately and wanting to sleep more. My brain and my body are screaming at me to stop. If I snap, will I have a complete nervous breakdown? Will I have a meltdown? I am at the point where I am bound to shoot off at the mouth and say something that could create more issues than solve any. A part of me wants to stick it to people, tell them to suck it up and quit thinking they are the most important thing in the world. I won't do that, but there are many dialogues in my head where I really give it to people.
On top of all this, my dear friend, is undergoing a similar experience. The only difference is that she has a family that will feel the effects of her stress. She doesn't want this for her family and she is feeling very overwhelmed. I try to offer a sounding board, but I am not in a position to help her. I am angry at the other people that work with her on this one case, because they have placed her in compromising situations. They are the ones that can help her, but they aren't. She is not getting the support she needs which only adds to her stress level. I have worked on a case similarly to the one she works with now. Here person has high needs which takes a toll on those around her. No one else seems to care about this girl, but my friend. Everyone else doesn’t want to deal with her, so they push her off on the most vulnerable person on the team. WHAT? I feel indignant at their response and I want to tell them how incredibly unprofessional they are. Actually, I want to tell them they are horrible people, not just for treating my friend the way they are, but also for treating this young woman horribly. I know it is hard to work with people who seem to suck you dry and you see little results for change. However, that doesn’t mean you don't treat her with dignity and try to help her in someway. I can't imagine bearing her load and not having some issues. I wish I could help her change, but she has some cards stacked against her that hinders the help from making a lasting difference. Does that mean someone should give up on her? NO! Everyone but my friend has given up on her. I find that revolting. Where is hope? Isn't that what keeps us going in a world that is damaged, fallen, and corrupt. We hope for a brighter tomorrow. We hope that we can put wrongs to right. We hope that there are people out there who love us and won't abandon us. There are people in our society who are without hope. Aren't we, as human services professionals, a beacon of hope? We believe we can help people make their life better. When people who work in this field stop caring, we are at greater risk of harming these people then helping them. A person should get out of the field and go work at Macy's when they stop caring. At least they are at a lower risk of causing great harm to a person.
Even as I write this, I have to hold up a mirror to myself and ask if I am just as guilty. Perhaps, I have reached a stopping point with some people and not closed things properly with them. Yes, that was a form of abandonment. These people trusted me and I let them down. I have to repent of that and ensure that I don't do that again. For the most part though, I at least try to ensure that the person I work with has someone to support them and fall back on. This is especially true if that person doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to keep on the right path. I know there are mistakes I have made in the past and the best thing I can do is learn from them and ensure I don't make the same mistake again. I am one person who can make a huge impact (positively or negatively) on another individual, I have to remember that whatever I do. So, what happens when it is a team of professionals who all turn their back to someone? Everything falls to the person who chooses not to turn her back. That person is truly driven by a great God and a conviction that we all deserve to be treated with dignity. I am very proud of her for not conforming with the rest. She has taken on things she didn't have to because of her role in this person's life, but the people that are supposed to fill in the gaps aren't. She is choosing to be an anchor, even though the tempest is trying to rip the ship apart and put it adrift out to sea. The chain that connects her to the ship also gets whipped around, pulled on, and it's strength tested. The boat needs more anchors, but right now, she is the only one. What a farce? A team of professionals, each with an anchor to through down, abandoned ship when the waters were calmer. They sit at the bottom of the ocean with nothing to connect them to a ship and preventing them from helping a ship stay safe.
I don't know how God has the patience to let us muck everything up so badly. I would want to take control and say, "You do this and fix that. You help so and so", and everyone would have to listen. They couldn't refuse me. God doesn't work that way. He gives us free will and we use it for better or worse. Our choices, good or evil, impact those around us. Our sin creeps into other lives and makes their life a little darker. Oh, how far we have fallen! God lets us know that we are imperfect and we really only care about ourselves. He didn't create us to be like that! Humanity made the initial decision to listen to a liar rather than God and now the whole universe has "gone to hell". As a Susan Ashton song goes, "Lord, Lord when are you coming back!" We need deliverance from ourselves. Thank God there is a Savior. Thank God this life will not continue in destruction and decay, at least for those who follow Him and trust in Him.
Things continue to go towards the negative at work versus the positive. Through it all, I don’t hate my job. That is a miracle. I just want all this jumbled mess to be fixed and go away. I have so many issues with providers and families. Then, when I met with my boss, he told me I now have to learn my supervisor's job (billing mainly) in case they don't get someone hired to take her place before she leaves (she gets the joy of becoming a stay at home mom very soon). Now, some people might think, "what's the big deal?" Billing in her job is no easy task. It is lengthy, it is tough, and the people who are to give her the information she needs to complete the process, don't always cooperate. Since I already feel overloaded with my own issues and paperwork, this is more work to push me. I really do feel I am at a breaking point. It feels like something could snap inside me at any moment. I don't know what that would like. I have noticed feeling more depressed lately and wanting to sleep more. My brain and my body are screaming at me to stop. If I snap, will I have a complete nervous breakdown? Will I have a meltdown? I am at the point where I am bound to shoot off at the mouth and say something that could create more issues than solve any. A part of me wants to stick it to people, tell them to suck it up and quit thinking they are the most important thing in the world. I won't do that, but there are many dialogues in my head where I really give it to people.
On top of all this, my dear friend, is undergoing a similar experience. The only difference is that she has a family that will feel the effects of her stress. She doesn't want this for her family and she is feeling very overwhelmed. I try to offer a sounding board, but I am not in a position to help her. I am angry at the other people that work with her on this one case, because they have placed her in compromising situations. They are the ones that can help her, but they aren't. She is not getting the support she needs which only adds to her stress level. I have worked on a case similarly to the one she works with now. Here person has high needs which takes a toll on those around her. No one else seems to care about this girl, but my friend. Everyone else doesn’t want to deal with her, so they push her off on the most vulnerable person on the team. WHAT? I feel indignant at their response and I want to tell them how incredibly unprofessional they are. Actually, I want to tell them they are horrible people, not just for treating my friend the way they are, but also for treating this young woman horribly. I know it is hard to work with people who seem to suck you dry and you see little results for change. However, that doesn’t mean you don't treat her with dignity and try to help her in someway. I can't imagine bearing her load and not having some issues. I wish I could help her change, but she has some cards stacked against her that hinders the help from making a lasting difference. Does that mean someone should give up on her? NO! Everyone but my friend has given up on her. I find that revolting. Where is hope? Isn't that what keeps us going in a world that is damaged, fallen, and corrupt. We hope for a brighter tomorrow. We hope that we can put wrongs to right. We hope that there are people out there who love us and won't abandon us. There are people in our society who are without hope. Aren't we, as human services professionals, a beacon of hope? We believe we can help people make their life better. When people who work in this field stop caring, we are at greater risk of harming these people then helping them. A person should get out of the field and go work at Macy's when they stop caring. At least they are at a lower risk of causing great harm to a person.
Even as I write this, I have to hold up a mirror to myself and ask if I am just as guilty. Perhaps, I have reached a stopping point with some people and not closed things properly with them. Yes, that was a form of abandonment. These people trusted me and I let them down. I have to repent of that and ensure that I don't do that again. For the most part though, I at least try to ensure that the person I work with has someone to support them and fall back on. This is especially true if that person doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to keep on the right path. I know there are mistakes I have made in the past and the best thing I can do is learn from them and ensure I don't make the same mistake again. I am one person who can make a huge impact (positively or negatively) on another individual, I have to remember that whatever I do. So, what happens when it is a team of professionals who all turn their back to someone? Everything falls to the person who chooses not to turn her back. That person is truly driven by a great God and a conviction that we all deserve to be treated with dignity. I am very proud of her for not conforming with the rest. She has taken on things she didn't have to because of her role in this person's life, but the people that are supposed to fill in the gaps aren't. She is choosing to be an anchor, even though the tempest is trying to rip the ship apart and put it adrift out to sea. The chain that connects her to the ship also gets whipped around, pulled on, and it's strength tested. The boat needs more anchors, but right now, she is the only one. What a farce? A team of professionals, each with an anchor to through down, abandoned ship when the waters were calmer. They sit at the bottom of the ocean with nothing to connect them to a ship and preventing them from helping a ship stay safe.
I don't know how God has the patience to let us muck everything up so badly. I would want to take control and say, "You do this and fix that. You help so and so", and everyone would have to listen. They couldn't refuse me. God doesn't work that way. He gives us free will and we use it for better or worse. Our choices, good or evil, impact those around us. Our sin creeps into other lives and makes their life a little darker. Oh, how far we have fallen! God lets us know that we are imperfect and we really only care about ourselves. He didn't create us to be like that! Humanity made the initial decision to listen to a liar rather than God and now the whole universe has "gone to hell". As a Susan Ashton song goes, "Lord, Lord when are you coming back!" We need deliverance from ourselves. Thank God there is a Savior. Thank God this life will not continue in destruction and decay, at least for those who follow Him and trust in Him.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Expectations
Today, I found out that something I wanted to have may not happen. It's amazing how we develop expectations and when they aren't fulfilled, it affects us deeply. For some people it means your spouse does not live up to everything you hoped for, for others it means not getting a desired promotion, others it's performing the best you can do and not being recognized or being passed over for someone else. Sometimes, our expectations center around the type of love, affection, and attention we receive from others. When that person doesn't deliver, it hurts us deeply. But is it really the other person or thing's fault? I don't think so. It is mostly our desire taking over and being discontent with what is already present.
I have been struggling with God. I am being asked to release something without the guarantee that it will turn out the way I want it. I am being asked to submit to His will rather than listening only to my own will. It isn't new that He is asking me to lay something down at His feet. He does that to every one of His children. He calls us to daily sacrifice our own will for His. None of us does this perfectly. I certainly don't. I have my own agenda and I will do what I need to obtain it. God tells me that anything that consumes me more than Him is an idol and I am an idolater. I am an idolater. There are many things in my life that consume me more than my Savior. If I dwell on how I fall short though, I become works driven rather then depending on God's grace. I will become consumed with how I have to do better rather than focusing on worshipping Jesus. Doing better then becomes my new idol. Larry Crabb talks about how we are self-obsessed versus God-obsessed. This issue today has really held a mirror up to my face and announced to me that I am self-obsessed and not God-obsessed. It has revealed to me my priorities. I need to turn around (aka repent), focus on God, and do my best at what I am called to do versus worry about what I am or am not entitled to. As I come to grips with this, it is easier to let go. I can release these things to God and trust Him to guide me. He is my fulfillment. Nothing else can truly fill me the way He can.
I have been struggling with God. I am being asked to release something without the guarantee that it will turn out the way I want it. I am being asked to submit to His will rather than listening only to my own will. It isn't new that He is asking me to lay something down at His feet. He does that to every one of His children. He calls us to daily sacrifice our own will for His. None of us does this perfectly. I certainly don't. I have my own agenda and I will do what I need to obtain it. God tells me that anything that consumes me more than Him is an idol and I am an idolater. I am an idolater. There are many things in my life that consume me more than my Savior. If I dwell on how I fall short though, I become works driven rather then depending on God's grace. I will become consumed with how I have to do better rather than focusing on worshipping Jesus. Doing better then becomes my new idol. Larry Crabb talks about how we are self-obsessed versus God-obsessed. This issue today has really held a mirror up to my face and announced to me that I am self-obsessed and not God-obsessed. It has revealed to me my priorities. I need to turn around (aka repent), focus on God, and do my best at what I am called to do versus worry about what I am or am not entitled to. As I come to grips with this, it is easier to let go. I can release these things to God and trust Him to guide me. He is my fulfillment. Nothing else can truly fill me the way He can.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
Keeping Up
I'm waiting for church to start in another half hour. Currently, I am sitting in the church cafe drinking a low-fat, sugar free vanilla latte. Having diabetes is so much fun! Please note the sarcasm. I did splurge and got a cookie to go with it, since I had a really healthy lunch with minimal carbs in it and a safe latte.
I am very proud of myself because I just finished a report I should have finished in November. Of course, the only way to complete it was to do it on the weekend. I also have to prepare for a training next Saturday that I am conducting. We also need to update our trainings and so I have a bunch of videos to review. When I get back to work I have to finish balancing 11 checkbooks that I am way behind on, audit 16 record books, take care of deficiencies in my other audits, complete assessments and programs for too many people, finsih an investigation, complete billing, and deal with all the other little emergencies that people bring up. This has to be completed by February 11! This is when I hit the hysterical panic button my friend Dawn gave me for Christmas. I have started a list of things I am going to give to our admin so I don't feel so overwhelmed.
I did get to spend part of the afternoon with my friends, John and Lyndsey. They are expecting their baby in 10 weeks. I can't wait to meet him. We played on their Wii, which was very fun. Then we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. It's always nice to get together with them. You guys are amazing and I am thankful you are in my life.
Well, it looks like the 4:30 service is over with. The cafe is flooded with people again. Some people are getting coffee on the way out and others are getting it for the way in. Pastor Rob preaches tonight. We are studying out of the book of Nehemiah. We are focusing on the elements of worship discussed in the book and what things try to take over and remove those elements from our worship today. We don't use the same items of worship today, but we look at the use of each item and what that looks like in contemporary culture. It has been a really good series so far.
Well, I guess that is all for now. Everyone keep warm and write to you soon!
I am very proud of myself because I just finished a report I should have finished in November. Of course, the only way to complete it was to do it on the weekend. I also have to prepare for a training next Saturday that I am conducting. We also need to update our trainings and so I have a bunch of videos to review. When I get back to work I have to finish balancing 11 checkbooks that I am way behind on, audit 16 record books, take care of deficiencies in my other audits, complete assessments and programs for too many people, finsih an investigation, complete billing, and deal with all the other little emergencies that people bring up. This has to be completed by February 11! This is when I hit the hysterical panic button my friend Dawn gave me for Christmas. I have started a list of things I am going to give to our admin so I don't feel so overwhelmed.
I did get to spend part of the afternoon with my friends, John and Lyndsey. They are expecting their baby in 10 weeks. I can't wait to meet him. We played on their Wii, which was very fun. Then we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse. It's always nice to get together with them. You guys are amazing and I am thankful you are in my life.
Well, it looks like the 4:30 service is over with. The cafe is flooded with people again. Some people are getting coffee on the way out and others are getting it for the way in. Pastor Rob preaches tonight. We are studying out of the book of Nehemiah. We are focusing on the elements of worship discussed in the book and what things try to take over and remove those elements from our worship today. We don't use the same items of worship today, but we look at the use of each item and what that looks like in contemporary culture. It has been a really good series so far.
Well, I guess that is all for now. Everyone keep warm and write to you soon!
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