Pondering & Frustration

The past couple of days have been incredibly stressful and exhausting. I feel like I am working non-stop. Tonight, I can't seem to go anymore. I have more work I need to do, since I have a deadline by Friday, but I can't bring myself to do it. I am so tired, physically and mentally. The only thing that continues to keep me going is Jesus. Many times, I can visualize myself embracing Him and hiding in His arms. Lately, all I can imagine is that my head is against His chest, my arms hang limp at my sides and my knees are starting to buckle. His arms are holding onto me. I can't hold onto Him, I am too tired, too weak, but His strength will hold me up. Even now, if I see myself collapsing, unable to keep my head against his chest, I know that He will be holding me while I am on the floor, in the dirt, unable to move. He is there telling me He loves me and will not leave me. He will nurse me back to health. This is all I have right now. God has asked me if I can trust Him with my stress, my worry, my anxiety. I remember praying, "I know you can handle anything in my life. I don't know how to let go, though." It amazes me that He is so incredibly patient with my doubt.

Things continue to go towards the negative at work versus the positive. Through it all, I don’t hate my job. That is a miracle. I just want all this jumbled mess to be fixed and go away. I have so many issues with providers and families. Then, when I met with my boss, he told me I now have to learn my supervisor's job (billing mainly) in case they don't get someone hired to take her place before she leaves (she gets the joy of becoming a stay at home mom very soon). Now, some people might think, "what's the big deal?" Billing in her job is no easy task. It is lengthy, it is tough, and the people who are to give her the information she needs to complete the process, don't always cooperate. Since I already feel overloaded with my own issues and paperwork, this is more work to push me. I really do feel I am at a breaking point. It feels like something could snap inside me at any moment. I don't know what that would like. I have noticed feeling more depressed lately and wanting to sleep more. My brain and my body are screaming at me to stop. If I snap, will I have a complete nervous breakdown? Will I have a meltdown? I am at the point where I am bound to shoot off at the mouth and say something that could create more issues than solve any. A part of me wants to stick it to people, tell them to suck it up and quit thinking they are the most important thing in the world. I won't do that, but there are many dialogues in my head where I really give it to people.

On top of all this, my dear friend, is undergoing a similar experience. The only difference is that she has a family that will feel the effects of her stress. She doesn't want this for her family and she is feeling very overwhelmed. I try to offer a sounding board, but I am not in a position to help her. I am angry at the other people that work with her on this one case, because they have placed her in compromising situations. They are the ones that can help her, but they aren't. She is not getting the support she needs which only adds to her stress level. I have worked on a case similarly to the one she works with now. Here person has high needs which takes a toll on those around her. No one else seems to care about this girl, but my friend. Everyone else doesn’t want to deal with her, so they push her off on the most vulnerable person on the team. WHAT? I feel indignant at their response and I want to tell them how incredibly unprofessional they are. Actually, I want to tell them they are horrible people, not just for treating my friend the way they are, but also for treating this young woman horribly. I know it is hard to work with people who seem to suck you dry and you see little results for change. However, that doesn’t mean you don't treat her with dignity and try to help her in someway. I can't imagine bearing her load and not having some issues. I wish I could help her change, but she has some cards stacked against her that hinders the help from making a lasting difference. Does that mean someone should give up on her? NO! Everyone but my friend has given up on her. I find that revolting. Where is hope? Isn't that what keeps us going in a world that is damaged, fallen, and corrupt. We hope for a brighter tomorrow. We hope that we can put wrongs to right. We hope that there are people out there who love us and won't abandon us. There are people in our society who are without hope. Aren't we, as human services professionals, a beacon of hope? We believe we can help people make their life better. When people who work in this field stop caring, we are at greater risk of harming these people then helping them. A person should get out of the field and go work at Macy's when they stop caring. At least they are at a lower risk of causing great harm to a person.

Even as I write this, I have to hold up a mirror to myself and ask if I am just as guilty. Perhaps, I have reached a stopping point with some people and not closed things properly with them. Yes, that was a form of abandonment. These people trusted me and I let them down. I have to repent of that and ensure that I don't do that again. For the most part though, I at least try to ensure that the person I work with has someone to support them and fall back on. This is especially true if that person doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to keep on the right path. I know there are mistakes I have made in the past and the best thing I can do is learn from them and ensure I don't make the same mistake again. I am one person who can make a huge impact (positively or negatively) on another individual, I have to remember that whatever I do. So, what happens when it is a team of professionals who all turn their back to someone? Everything falls to the person who chooses not to turn her back. That person is truly driven by a great God and a conviction that we all deserve to be treated with dignity. I am very proud of her for not conforming with the rest. She has taken on things she didn't have to because of her role in this person's life, but the people that are supposed to fill in the gaps aren't. She is choosing to be an anchor, even though the tempest is trying to rip the ship apart and put it adrift out to sea. The chain that connects her to the ship also gets whipped around, pulled on, and it's strength tested. The boat needs more anchors, but right now, she is the only one. What a farce? A team of professionals, each with an anchor to through down, abandoned ship when the waters were calmer. They sit at the bottom of the ocean with nothing to connect them to a ship and preventing them from helping a ship stay safe.

I don't know how God has the patience to let us muck everything up so badly. I would want to take control and say, "You do this and fix that. You help so and so", and everyone would have to listen. They couldn't refuse me. God doesn't work that way. He gives us free will and we use it for better or worse. Our choices, good or evil, impact those around us. Our sin creeps into other lives and makes their life a little darker. Oh, how far we have fallen! God lets us know that we are imperfect and we really only care about ourselves. He didn't create us to be like that! Humanity made the initial decision to listen to a liar rather than God and now the whole universe has "gone to hell". As a Susan Ashton song goes, "Lord, Lord when are you coming back!" We need deliverance from ourselves. Thank God there is a Savior. Thank God this life will not continue in destruction and decay, at least for those who follow Him and trust in Him.