Sleepy

I have been so incredibly sleepy today. I didn't realize just how exhausted and physically beaten down this past week has made me. I have been having a very lazy day today. I have really enjoyed not having my work phone on all the time. When I think about tomorrow and turning it back on and getting back to work, the anxiety in my gut wells up and makes it to my throat. I don't want to dread work, but I am. I dread everyone wanting things from me. Most of all, I dread hearing the phone ring. It makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it. Sometimes, it seems the phone doesn't stop ringing, and I either want to scream or hurl the phone across the room and smash it into a hundred pieces. Completely illogical, but there is something satisfying about that image. I really want to enjoy my work, but I find I dread it more often now. Everytime I get a new job, I think, this is going to be great. It usually doesn't take long for me to hate it. I think the reason being is that work takes all of me. When I get home at the end of the day or on the weekends, I have nothing left to give. That bothers me, because I end up sucking life out of people rather than giving life to the people that mean the most to me. Work seems to illicit an shut down mode on me. Unfortunately, being single, I am forced to work in order to live. I don't have the luxury of having a husband "bring home the bacon", while I focus on making a home for him and any children. I really wish work didn't drain me. I want to enjoy my life, not merely exist. I don't want to be sleepy because I am so stressed out my body has to sleep to recup. I want to have energy and life. I just don't know how to resolve this and make it better. I see no path that I can take that will make this better. It is so frustrating when you can't see the path and you feel lost.