Dragging

Well, it has been a while since I blogged anything. To tell you the truth, I have been struggling to put words to my life. I have been mildly depressed lately and that usually stunts my ability to articulate myself. I am feeling somewhat better now. I restarted some of my medications. I pray God finds a way to help me afford them. Since I don't have health insurance, and no one will take cover me, my medications cost upwards of $700. OUCH! So, I am stuck with a dilemma of pay the money or risk falling into depression again. I have been amazed at how just a few days back on my old dosage again has made a difference in my heaviness factor. My spirit doesn't feel as heavy, I wouldn't say I'm walking on air yet, but just the little bit taken off my shoulders is a relief. I do still find myself a bit anxious and weepy, but hopefully, they will be alleviated soon. My energy level has been pretty low too, so I look forward to having more of that.

On another note, work is draining me. As I told a friend of mine...

I am tired of dealing with everyone else's sin in a fallen context. I can't "fix" them if they are not being sanctified by Christ! How in the world do I think I can fix them? Well, I can't fix them, only Christ can and he can use me to do that, but if they don't have Christ, what in the world do I think is going to be accomplished? I'm tired of taking home everyone else's sin with me! I'm tired of people expecting me to have the perfect answer to "cure" this family or that person. I'm tired of looking at these families and seeing what is wrong through my Biblical worldview and then having no way to explain that to them because they aren't Christians. A part of me wonders, if this is really where I am supposed to be, why is it not sustaining me financially, emotionally, and spiritually? Why does carrying other people's burdens mean mine becomes heavier?

Needless to say, I am still struggling with these issues. I don't have an answer, just a directive to keep plugging along and to lean on Jesus more and harder. Tonight, at church, during worship, I sat down and just listened to the music. I was feeling very weary and anxious. It was during this time that I felt Jesus put his hand in between my folded hands and it was this incredible sense of safety and protection. It was one of those special God moments. I could imagine myself leaning on him and pressing his hand to my face and in that image, I felt loved, embraced, taken care of. I thought of the passage where Jesus says, "Take my yoke on you and learn from me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and my load is not hard to carry" (Matthew 11:29-30). Even writing about it brings a certain internal peace that I wish would stay inside me forever. I wish this feeling of safety, peace, and security never left me. But as soon as I start doing life, it goes away. It only appears when I am extremely quiet. I need it when I am busy and under pressure, too. Perhaps, that is something that comes with maturity and growth in Christ.

Well, that is all for now. I hope I feel like blogging again soon.
Here are some more pictures of my boys. :)