I was supposed to have dinner with Dawn, but she is exhausted, too. So, we decided to get together tomorrow night instead. I have to decide on a movie to rent. I see movies so rarely, that I'm not sure what I want to get. Bless Dawn's heart, my TV broke and she is bringing over an extra TV she and Scott have so that we can watch movies together. I'm excited to hang out with her. We need some good old-fashioned girl time.
So, my latest challenge is learning to really trust God with my current situation. Financially, things can't be any more grim for me. I'm not making enough to pay more than my rent and utilities. I have no gas money, no grocery money, and no money to renew my malpractice insurance (which my job is dependent upon). I don't even have money to order my Arbonne so I can get paid my commission check (which would have at least bought groceries). I know God can provide for me, but I think I have been disappointed so many times, that I'm unsure whether he will. That's the issue, I just don't know what God is thinking or how he plans to deal with this area of my life. I'm looking for other jobs, but I've had no luck. Of course, it doesn't help that I am frustrated with my whole career outlook anyway. I have no expectations that God will miraculously provide, because if I do and he doesn't, it will be such a huge disappointment. Faith is certainly believing without seeing. I do have to admit that today has been a good day in regards to my relationship with God. I've been more aware of his presence in my life today and he has provided me comfort when I am weary. Come to think of it, I always see God providing for me emotionally more than physically. But, I would not give up the emotional support. I suppose if I had to choose one, I would choose the emotional. I don't know why. Perhaps, I realize that is a part of me that is the most fragile and needs the most divine intervention. However, God cares about both my emotional and physical so I shouldn't limit him to just one area. I know he has provided in the physical area before, I just don't seem able to remember it.
What I really hope for is that I would get this lesson that God is trying to teach me, because it seems to be something we keep revisiting. The general lesson involves me trusting God with something and then everything gets yanked out from underneath me. Whether that is living arrangements, financial, relationships, or job, I continually get doors once opened slammed shut or it is completely taken from me. Sometimes, I admit, it's because I was listening more to myself than God, but there are times where God clearly spoke and reaffirmed and then took it away. I don't get it. I still don't get the big picture this lesson is meant to teach me. And, am I learning whatever this lesson is or am I doomed to repeat it again?
I will keep plugging away and I will keep trusting God. Why? Because he is more reliable than anything else in this world. Because, he gave me eternal life, adopted me as his child, and calls me his princess. I know I can't think the way God thinks, but his Word has promised that everything will ultimately end up for his glory and the good of his people (which I am one of). This is hard, but to give up on God would make it harder.
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