Great Writer

Sometimes, I wish I could write eloquently and easily. To tell you the truth, it is very difficult for me to write. I find it difficult to encapsulate everything that is going through my head. I have so many different emotions, thoughts, and beliefs that I hardly know where to start. My mind typically races and my fingers can't keep up. By the time I get one thought down, the next one has moved on and I can't keep track. No, I'm not manic, just overwhelmed with all that is inside me. I would love to pick a topic and blog about it. When it comes down to it though, I draw a blank. Again, I think I struggle with where to start and where to take it and how to end it. I would love to give witty repartee about psychology, or deep spiritual thoughts. It would be great to talk about science or politics. Another part of me is afraid of expressing my opinions too freely and then getting stuck on a certain point, or worse still not knowing everything or being told I am wrong. Perhaps, part of my writer's block is merely a fear of being rejected and discovered a fraud. Come to think of it, isn't that almost every one's basic fear?

Sleepy

I have been so incredibly sleepy today. I didn't realize just how exhausted and physically beaten down this past week has made me. I have been having a very lazy day today. I have really enjoyed not having my work phone on all the time. When I think about tomorrow and turning it back on and getting back to work, the anxiety in my gut wells up and makes it to my throat. I don't want to dread work, but I am. I dread everyone wanting things from me. Most of all, I dread hearing the phone ring. It makes me feel nauseous just thinking about it. Sometimes, it seems the phone doesn't stop ringing, and I either want to scream or hurl the phone across the room and smash it into a hundred pieces. Completely illogical, but there is something satisfying about that image. I really want to enjoy my work, but I find I dread it more often now. Everytime I get a new job, I think, this is going to be great. It usually doesn't take long for me to hate it. I think the reason being is that work takes all of me. When I get home at the end of the day or on the weekends, I have nothing left to give. That bothers me, because I end up sucking life out of people rather than giving life to the people that mean the most to me. Work seems to illicit an shut down mode on me. Unfortunately, being single, I am forced to work in order to live. I don't have the luxury of having a husband "bring home the bacon", while I focus on making a home for him and any children. I really wish work didn't drain me. I want to enjoy my life, not merely exist. I don't want to be sleepy because I am so stressed out my body has to sleep to recup. I want to have energy and life. I just don't know how to resolve this and make it better. I see no path that I can take that will make this better. It is so frustrating when you can't see the path and you feel lost.

Stress Endurance

This last week has been an incredible challenge for me. My stress level has been out the roof and my sleep has been poor. This is primarily due to not really sleeping for one whole night a week ago. I had a client act up which resulted in me driving to the Denver Metro Area and picking her up at the ER. This in itself is not a big deal. It's that I had to leave at 1:00 in the morning. I then took her back to the office while I waited for daybreak so I could find her respite. UGH! The drama I have to deal with can leave, thank you very much. I can't say much more on the subject given confidentiality issues, but I have been moderately grumpy all week.
The great part of all this drama is finding out that I have friends and people who care about me. I have felt loved by them and incredibly supported. God has given me an incredible amount of strength, despite my grumpiness and somewhat bitter heart. I wonder what He could do with me if I let go of those latter two things. Anyway, I have felt loved and cared for by my Savior and the people He has blessed me with called friends (especially Dawn and Lyndsey). Sometimes, I don't understand this path I am currently on. I find that I want to know from God what purpose He has for me at this moment of my life. I have a hard time being content with the journey. I am sometimes like a small child, always asking, "Why?".
One thing I have become very aware of is that God is incredibly patient, loving, and merciful. I look at my own human reaction to people's negative behavior and I get fed up. Does God? The Bible recounts that God does get frustrated, disappointed, and doles out consequences. But, He always calls us back to Him and He is always saying that his reasons for feeling and acting the way He does is because we have hurt Him. We spit in His face even when He has built us a mansion and covered us in beautiful garments. When He found us, we were naked and covered in dirt and blood. He picked us up and cleaned us up. So often, how do we thank Him? I am amazed at His ability to love us even when we hurt Him over and over again. No one on this earth could possibly love us like that. We would bail on a person who acted this way towards us, but God doesn't. Consequences, yes, but abandonment, no. Oh Thank You Jesus! I do not deserve such love and mercy. None of us do. Perhaps, part of my current trials and path are to learn to love as He does. WOW! That will be a hard road, but to become more like Him...that is a gift for the world.

Stuck

Well, this is an adventure. Here I am, all ready to go home for the day. I get in my car and what happens...NADA! There was a momentary click and then complete silence. Great! I think my car battery is dead. I am now waiting for my cousin and her fiance to come and give my car a jump. At least I have my laptop to keep me amused. So far, I have plucked my eyebrows, trimmed my finger and toenails, put on lipstick, cleaned my purse, and now I am doing this. This has all occured in the last 30 minutes. Oh well!
At least it is really pretty out today. I can enjoy the day somewhat.
I am still fighting a bug. The stomach stuff appears to be over. However, my ear is still giving me occasional pangs. If it doesn't get better, I may have to go to the doctor and make sure I am not getting an ear infection. I haven't had one of those since college. If I recall, they are not fun and are actually quite painful.
I have Bible Study on Thursday nights, but I figured I should go home and rest to ensure that I get well sooner. Sitting in my car is not what I had pictured, but I'm not exerting myself terribly. It will be nice to get home and chill. I was so happy to take a shower this morning. That is the one thing I hate about being sick is feeling gross and dirty. I don't think I could live without indoor plumbing. I am very spoiled. :)
I didn't work quite a full day today (6 hours). I am seriously trying to figure out what kind of realistic boundaries I can make so that I don't get burned out. It is a challenge. I didn't expect this much pressure with this job. However, if I don't make some parameters now, I will burn out very quickly.
Well, this is definately a rambling blog. Isn't that what this is here for? Tee Hee.

Home Sick

Well, here I am in bed, sick. It's a bummer, because I was supposed to go to this training today and it is really good. Plus, I was supposed to have a karaoke night with some of my consumers tonight. However, I also think it is a good thing. Things have been crazy in my life with work and I think I needed a break. No phone, no crises or fires to put out. That's what my job feels like right now, I am more of a firefighter and crisis fixer. I was talking with my friend, Dawn, after our training session yesterday, and I told her one of the reasons I became a counselor was to help fix things for people. The problem? I can't fix everything and yet, I feel a huge sense of failure and inadequacy if I don't fix it. I feel a great deal of pressure to make some one's problems go away. Who do I think I am, God? Uh, no. The trainer yesterday spoke of how we can get a god complex. He's right. I believe I have to fix it; I have to make it better; I have to end the suffering. The reality is that my power is limited and we live in a fallen world where suffering is not always avoidable. I cannot fix everything. So, why do I still feel great anxiety when I can't? That is my dilemma. Perhaps, being sick has allowed me the time to reflect rather than continuing to survive and bulldoze my way through each day. I wish I could have been sick on another day rather than today, but it will all work out. My body is tired from the stress it has endured the last couple of weeks and continues to deal with (although at a lower level - Praise the Lord for that blessing).
Well, I have had my fill for writing right now. I am tired and need to sleep some more.

Summation of My Day

In one sentence, "The only predictable thing in life is that life is unpredictable."

Just For Fun - A to Z

[A] - AVAILABLE: YES!

[B] - BIRTHDAY: November 10

[C] - CRUSHING? I have no idea what this means!

[D] - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Coca-cola

[E] - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Barb, Dawn, Lyndsey

[F] - FAVORITE MUSIC GROUP/BAND: I don't really have a favorite. I guess it would be Jars of Clay at the moment.

[G] - GUMMY BEARS OR WORMS: Bears (this is a silly one)

[H] - HOMETOWN: Holton, KS

[I] - INSTRUMENT(s): Flute and Piccolo

[J] - JUICE- Cranberry

[K] - KILLED SOMEONE: No

[L] - LONGEST CAR RIDE: Holton, KS to somewhere near Bemidji, MN

[M] - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: Chocolate

[N] - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3 sisters

[O] - ONE WISH: To Love God above all other things

[P] - PERSON WHO CALLED YOU LAST: Lorna, the RN I work with

[Q] - QUESTION YOU'LL ASK GOD WHEN YOU DIE: No questions, just praise.

[R] - REASONS TO SMILE: Jesus Christ

[S] - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Hide by Joy Williams

[T] - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 7:45 am

[U] - UNDERWEAR: Today, light green

[V] - VEGETABLE(S): Asparagus, Okra, Tomato (I know, it's technically a fruit), Broccoli, Corn, Carrots, Potato, Brussel Sprouts (yes, I like them), spinich, greens, cucumbers, the list can go on

[W] - WORST HABIT: gritting or clicking my teeth

[X] - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: teeth, bladder

[Y] - YOUR FAVORITE ANIMAL(s): CATS!!!!!

[Z] - ZODIAC SIGN: Scorpion