Why?

I don't get it. I try, but it just doesn't happen. Why are there people out in the world that only want to make your life miserable? I mean, do they think, "I can't wait until I can find something to get so and so in trouble." That is sick! It is so demented. Do I ever do that? If so, I need to stop - NOW!
I already have issues with perfectionism, so when someone can't wait to "tattle" on me and announce what a horrible person I am, it hits a pretty big nerve. So how do I handle this, especially in a professional relationship? If it was a personal relationship, the answer would be easy. I would cut off my relationships with such an abusive person. In a professional relationship though, I'm not sure. I have tried dealing with this person in a diplomatic fashion. I have tried to give guidelines, set boundaries, and yet maintain a level of compassion and empathy for this person. It doesn't seem to matter. The person is rather Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One minute things are okay and the next I am getting antagonism and threats are being muttered to others about how much trouble I am going to be in for making a decision I made. It is not in my natural wiring to be a "hard-***", but I feel like that is what I need to be in this situation. I need to let this person "have it", but I don't think I know how to let a person have it. I hate conflict! I mean really hate it. I like harmony. My life has been anything but harmonious lately. I am starting to feel desperate. That isn't good, because desperation leads to poor decisions on my part. Desperation leads to quitting my job with no thought for the consequences. It also leads to more heartache. I keep reminding myself that "this too shall pass" and in fact one part will come to an end in the near future. It's just getting there that is the battle. But the other part of my job isn't going away anytime soon, unless I have other people intervene and back me up. Did I mentions that I really hate conflict. Ugh!
It's late, I'm hungry and tired. I need to get some sleep. Perhaps, tomorrow will look brighter after 8 hours of sleep.

Better Day

Well, I am thankful to say that today has been a much better day so far. God has really been helping me stop and think about the words that are leaving my mouth. I have noticed a larger desire to be encouraging rather than pessimistic and whiny. I have a lot to do at work, but my feeling of being overwhelmed has decreased. God is good! I am so thankful for His presence and work in my life. But I also know that to continue requires complete surrender on my part. This is not always easy, but necessary.

Grace of God

So, today was a particularly rough day for me. I am still feeling yucky, but I am not as bad as I was earlier. I have been wrestling with God about my feelings of loathing towards myself. He keeps reminding me that I have His grace. He has forgiven me and it is time to move forward. So, why am I still stuck in the same spot? I am so disillusioned with myself. I know I have made some mistakes and I have looked at them so I can learn and change. My perfectionist tendencies have taken a big blow the past couple of days because I haven't even been close to attaining those high expectations. I am tired of my attitude and I really want to change it. I suppose that is the first step. The reality is that I don't know what else to do with my stress but complain, gripe, and check out. Right now, I am at the point of being so disgusted with my complaining, that I would rather check out and spare myself and others the pain of listening to me. I know I process with words, but I don't' feel like anything is changing. If my words aren't helping me reach a resolution then I need to SHUT UP.
I am at the point where I just want to quit my job. The only problem is that I don't think there is a job out there that will go smoothly and meet all my needs. There will always be something wrong. That is my problem. At the same time, I have a tendency to stick with jobs that are not good for me, because I convince myself that I need to stick it out for the people I work with. I am holding onto my current position because of some of the people. But is that the right answer? I have been so stressed lately, that I question the fit of this job. Should a job make you feel this stressed and anxious? These are questions I have to ask myself. I don't want people to suffer more because I stink at my job or I hate my job. I don't know. I wish I did, but I am not sure if it is possible to really know.
I'm depressed and anxious. This is not the best state of mind to be making any decisions about my job. Plus, I don't know what I would do instead. Oh well. Tomorrow is another day (of which I am actually dreading and wishing it were Saturday rather than only Wednesday).
I really need God's grace and love to sustain me right now. I really need wisdom from God. I really need a hug and to feel God holding me tight to Him.

Updated Home Page

Just FYI, my home page has been updated. I dont' blog there, but it has some fun stuff that doesn't post well here. To get there, click on Jenn's Home Page in the links section to the right. :)

Love One Another

It is such a catch phrase, love one another. It is easy for us to say, but is it really that easy to do? No, I don't think so, at least, not in our own power. I am always amazed at how Jesus loves us and it is only through Him that I am able to love others. It is because He loved them first. Jesus loves the broken, the wounded, the disabled, the sick, the poor. He loves the bullies and the behavior cases. He loves sinners of all shapes and sizes. Hallelujah, because I am one of them. Why is it that the above are so hard for us to love. Is it because they are different? Is it because they remind us of our fears? Is it because they try our very patience and create stress in our lives? Is it because we are afraid if we get to close, somehow, their misfortune will be contagious and will contaminate us? Is is because we all have an inferiority complex and we have to find someone, somewhere, who we can make lower than ourselves? We are all inflicted with a disease called pride and sin. Whether we are impacted by sin because we live in a fallen world (i.e. we have a disability or are sick) or because we make sinful choices, we all need the healing and salvation that Jesus brings. As Christians, we especially need to realize that we have not arrived. We need to stop covering ourselves in a veneer of self-righteousness. We are works in progress and the grace that we get from Jesus needs to be shared with the world around us. Is this easy? NO! I can't tell you how the situation I am in right now tries every patient ounce that is in me. Can I do this on my own? AGAIN, NO! It is only in allowing Jesus to have control of my life that I will be able to extend that which has been extended to me. It is by living moment by moment in His presence that I am able to live the life that He is calling me to.

Job Fair

Well, here I am at a job fair for work. We don't have a lot in the way of positions, but I am here representing Good Shepherd. I have to tell you how annoyed I am at the sign they posted to signify our table. The spelled shepherd wrong. They spelled it shepard. UGH! Please, use spell check. What would really be funny... if I made a spelling error in this blog. :) LOL

I have had a consumer with me all day today because she refused to go to work. I wasn't happy. It's really hard to get work done when she is around because she wants constant entertaining. She was also really emotional, which made things more challenging. I wish I could figure a way that would not be reinforcing for her missing work. Her provider was finally able to pick her up, so now I am killing time while the job fair winds down.

Working with people who have disabilities is a challenge at times and also rewarding. In some cases, I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. I have a great time with some of my consumers. They are funny and lively. The only part of my job I don't like is when it feels like I am working for mental health again. This usually entails crisis work or dealing with major behavior issues. It means trying to find a solution, fast, and fixing the situation now. This is when I absolutely hate my job. I hate that my phone rings and I am available 24/7. Lately, if I am home and the phone rings a scream can be heard throughout the house. I just want a break. I don't want to be needed all the time. Sometimes, I feel guilty for having these feelings. I don't' want to help anymore. I just want to be left alone.

Well, my battery is getting low and we will be wrapping up soon. I should go.

What Would Work?

I have been facing the issue that I never seem to be content in any job that I hold. I always end up feeling stressed out and drained. So what would work? What kind of job could I have that would supply for my financial needs and not have a high stress level, and would not leave me drained at the end of the day? Is there such a job out there for me? I wish I knew. I wish I could figure this out. I don't like feeling discontent, stressed out, and I don't like it that my friends have to hear me complain all the time. I want to give to my friends, not take away from them. For every day I work, I feel like I need a whole day to recuperate emotionally and mentally. Sometimes, I feel like I am just not wired to work full-time. But, as single woman, I don't have another person who can provide for me. I have to provide for myself. Working part-time would pay the mortgage and some utilities, nothing else. I know God has a plan for my life, I am just puzzled by my discontent, especially if God has led me to work in particular area. Sigh. I don't have any answers today, just questions.